Georgetown Hoyas and DC Sports... RS

I try my best not to take my personal feelings about things and put them on this blog…  But today I will do just that…. 

Just look at this picture!!!  Its says it all...

Fuck Washington DC sports!!!  The Redskins go 4-12 this year including a lose to the Detriot Lions who until that point had not won a game since Christ was crucified… the Capitals get up 3-2 on the Penguins in Hockey on to lose 4-3 while the Pens go on to win the Stanly Cup…  The Hoyas kill Duke, Villanova, Syracuse, UConn and make it to the final off the Big East Tournament only to get blasted in the first round by Ohio University, a team that me and four of my co workers could bean 4 out of 5 times. 

I’m a Redskins season ticket holder…  I’m selling every ticket next season b/c we just picked up Larry Johnson who’s got more miles on him than my old Chevy Blazer and Rex Grossman who has vagina (no offence to any of my readers who actually have vaginas).

I’m a pseudo Georgetown season ticket holder in that I’ve got the hook up to go to pretty much any game I want to go to at any time during the season.  I won’t be partaking in that hook up next year as I’m boycotting that shit because Gtown is bunch of Choke Artist.  Fuck Georgetown!

The Nationals (who sometimes forget to put the “O” in their name, fools)  signed the greatest rookie pitcher in the last 50 yrs and paid him $15Million even though to date he has done nothing yet.  He will fail miserably this I promise you.  Why?  Because he’s here in DC and DC sports are trash!  Fuck!!!

All of these fools have been letting me down since I was 12 years old ( the last Redskins Superbowl victory).  I give up on all of them… until next season when I promise you the Redskins will be 14-2 and win the Superbowl and the Hoyas finish 27-3, win the Big East and then the National Championship.  You heard it here first people!  Write it down!  2011 is DC’s year!

And stop sending me hateful emails and text about the Hoya’s losing yesterday.  I get it you bastards!  I saw the game!

RS

Holistic Health... RS

Warning… this is not my normal funny type of blog about how my life is a disaster...  Well I guess it kind of is…

I hope this comes off right and for the first time in my life I don’t mean to offend…  Well, yes I do…

Although I don't love my job... my company is very good.  Every week they host some kind of Holistic Life seminar to promote life balance.  They encourage employees to attend as many of these as possible and all but mandate that we attend one per qtr.  I think that's great.  This might be the first company I’ve worked for that gave a damn about its people.  I've been here six months and  yesterday I went to my second seminar.  It was on “Eating Right for your Body Type”.  I'm into health and fitness so that was right up my alley...

So I walk in... and it’s me and two white guys (I’m a Black Male if this is your first time reading this blog)... and every black/overweight female administrative assistant in the company.  Now I have no issues with Black women specifically and I have no issue with overweight people.  Many of you who know me know that I myself used to be overweight.  But I can’t stand Black people when they embarrass me in public by virtue of simply being "Black"... 

These women talked through the whole presentation and had an adverse comment about everything the poor presenter had to say...  "Oh black people don't do this and we don't do that...  We don't eat like that... we don't cook like that... we can’t workout like that…  it’s not in our culture, etc…"  On and on for the entire hour! 

Meanwhile back at the ranch... the poor woman giving the presentation IS A BLACK WOMAN!!!!  I could not get out of there fast enough.  It was killing me having to sit there and listen to excuse after excuse for not trying to better yourself.  I spent most of the time thinking to myself… Why the hell did you even come here today anyway?  To waste this poor woman’s time?  To kill and hour of work?  Clearly it wasn’t to better yourself.

When I left I wanted to stop and apologize to the speaker for my people’s behavior... but then I remembered... I'm a Dark Indian named Tonto Jenkins who makes war clubs and spear.... so I simply walked out of the room in shame...

Am I out of line people?  Am I asking too much?  Am I missing something there.  Let me know.  I’d love to get some feedback.  I promise to be funny again in my next blog…

RS

Avoidance.... RS

For the last two business days I have managed to duck my boss entirely....  Good days for me.  However this morning.... when I got on the elevator... there that mother fucker was....  Goddamnit!!!!!

Him: "RS, I haven't seen you in days.  Have you been avoiding me?"

Me:  "Yes, yes I have actually."

Awakware silence.  Doors open.  I walk out and never looked back....

I will get fired today...
RS

Not as good as I used to be.... LB

I become more and more like my mother with each passing day.  One painfully obvious moment was just last week. 

Before we go there we must take a small trip down memory lane. 

Picture it: 
Christmas 1991, I had just gotten the Super Nintendo game system and my mother had challenged me to a game of super mario kart.  I was killing her!  Slaughtering her!  It was glorious!  After a thorough beating my mother puts down her controller and says.  "You may have me in this, but I am the queen of jacks"  She them pulls out this dusty squede pouch from the kitchen (I always wondered what was in that thing) and began to challenge me in a game as old as the sweet saviour himself.  I said "You can't compare JACKS to the superior gaming experience that is Super NES."

Fast forward to last week...
I was on the phone with a dear friend and had expressed my desire to get a PS3 (that is Play Station for those non gamers) instead of a blue ray player.  My friend replied something to the effect that I shouldn't bother because I suck at video games.  I replied, "Suck as video games, my Tetris scores are off the richter"  My friend pretty much shut down that conversation by saying "I don't believe you just used your Tetris scores to prove your need for a PS3." (those may not have been the exact words but that was the gist.  Actually the real gist is that I am a loser... hence the need for this blog. 

I might as well throw out the old Birth Control packs and start pushin out babies, cause when it comes to video I'm on straight mom status!

Darn shame really.

LB

"Who are you?" "I'm Batman..." RS

Yesterday I went to the barber shop to get my hair cut.  This is not a process that I typically take any joy in at all.  I hate waiting in line.  I hate listening to all of the hip hop gossip that I have little or no interest in.  “When is Lil Way gonna go to jail?”   I don’t care.  “When is so and so gonna drop their new album?”  I don’t care!!  The only thing I do enjoy about its is during football season when I get to talk shit about how my Redskins will crush whoever they are playing.  I do on Saturdays during the season because if I went on Sunday I would simply get made fun of because my team in counterfeit.  But I digress…

I tried to pay as little attention as possible as I sat there listening to Meet the Press on my Ipod.  There are just more important things going on in the world than whether or not the neighbors know Trey Songz name or not.  But just when I think this is just going to be another day at the shop… it happens…

Batman walks up in that mother fucker…  Yes, Batman…  The Caped Crusader…

By that I mean some fool walked in with an actual Utility Belt!!!  Four, maybe five cell phones all in belt holders hanging from this guys belt.  At least two regular pagers clipped to that very same belt.  And old school Time Port 2 Way Pager that dropped out of rap videos back in 2001 (I got rid of mine last summer but to my credit it hasn’t been activated since 2004).  This man also had a Swiss Army Knife or a utility tool of some kinds that I can’t even begin to fully describe and what seemed to be some kind of a nail filing set complete with mirror.  There was so much technology hanging from his waist that he has to have testicular cancer from all of the radio waves by now if he didn’t already have it already.

While all of that was disturbing and made him look rather foolish it was the grappling hook that really took the cake.  This dude actually had a grappling hook hanging from his belt.  Who the hell has a grappling hook hook?  I sold mine back in 2007 and replaced it with pair of suction cups.

I swear this fool all but kicked in the door to the shop like somebody's hero and stood there in the door with his hands on his hips staring all of us down like we where the Joker, the Riddler and Two Face.  He looked like a circus clown standing there with his belt lighting up like Marry Go Round and his knives and self propulsion devices shimmering in the light.

Now, I’m not one to make fun of people as I myself am a complete and total disaster… but who the hell is this guy and why isn’t is possible for him to just give out one phone number?  Maybe I’m seeing this the wrong way.  Can I get some help from the congregation?

RS

The Painfully Obvious… RS

This blog is going to be horrible… but I’m putting it out there anyway…

In this current economy I am certainly just as happy as the next guy to have a job.  Unemployment is nearly 10% and I’m the first one to admit that I’m no one special.  I could be gone tomorrow and no one would even notice.  I mean the last thing I want is to see my little girl wearing tattered and torn up clothing while standing in line at the soup kitchen because Daddy ain’t shit. 

But just because I’m thankful to have my job doesn’t mean that I like this shit so I’m always on the lookout for something new.  Yesterday morning I got reacquainted with an old associate who works in Human Resources for a company that I would have some interest in if given the opportunity.  The best part is that this individual reached out to me…  That’s always a plus!

I told him what I do, what my strengths are, what I like to do and what I think I think I would be best at.  I even explained to him the facets of my current job that make me unhappy.

After a 30 minute conversation, this fool came back with… “Well the first thing you need to do is updated your resume…”

SLAM ON THE BREAKS!!!!!  THROW THAT SHIT IN REVERSE!!!!!  BACK THE FUCK UP!!!!!

After thirty minutes of conversation this clown comes back with updated your resume!  He has not even seen my resume yet and he suggests that I need to update it already… which means one thing to me…  This fool is a talking head with simple talking points.   He probably wasn’t even listening to me.  And what’s worst?  That was pretty much the end of the conversation.  He didn’t have much more for me.  Why did you even bother to reach out to me with that shit?

While it may make since that my resume may need tweaking for certain jobs… how stupid is that response really?  If you are looking for a job of course you need to update your resume.   How about some suggestion on how?  How about a few suggestions on what I might need to focus on and who I might want to talk to…  No…?  That all you got man?  Nothing more?

That got me thinking about other painfully obvious stupid shit idiots could say to you in your time of need.   Below I have compiled a small list.

Statement:  I’m fat and sloppy.  Help!

Response:  Hmmm… Maybe you should workout…

Rebuttal:  Great!!!  How about a workout plan?  Maybe show me a thing or two in the gym?  No…?  That’s cool.  I’ll just workout.  I’ll be over at the bench press trying to hurt myself if you need me.

Statement:  I’m in middle of the desert and I’m dying of heat exhaustion and starvation.  Help!

Response:  Hmmmm…  You should probably try to cool off and get something to eat and drink.

Rebuttal:  Great!!!!  Perhaps your dumb ass could point me to a cactus to suck water from or perhaps a recently dead camel that I could tear the flesh from and eat while sucking the humps dry…  Seen any trees I could stand under for shade?  No…?  Oh don’t worry about then.  I’ll just hold my hand over my face and drink my own sweat.  After that I’ll eat one of my own fingers.

Statement:  Hey, I’m drowning over here.  Help…

Response:  Hmmmm…  Maybe you should get out of the water.

Rebuttal:  Good call dick!  Any idea of how I might do that seeing as how I’m fucking drowning over here.  Maybe you could toss me a life preserver or even a tree branch.  No…?  Ok, no big deal then.  I’ll just try to get out of this water that I’m drowning in.  While I do that could you please grab my towel?  No…?  Don’t worry about it then.

Statement:  Yo, I’m trapped underneath of this car.

Response:  Wow.  You should probably try to get from underneath of that thing.  Man that shit looks heavy. 

Rebuttal:  Good idea.  I think I’ll try to get from underneath of this car…

Now you know that last rebuttal was as fuckin stupid as the response.  So my question is when you tell me to update my resume what should my response actually be?

Response:  Ahhh… Good idea.  I will update it.  I will change the date ahhhh…..

I’m reminded of a scene in John Milton’s Paradise Lost.  In the opening sceen Satan is trapped in the fires of Hell for 10,000 years after being defeated by God.  He cries out to his right hand man (whose name I forget) that he wants out.  To which his friend replies “We’ll let’s get outta here.”  Then they get up and leave.  You mean after 10,000 years you didn’t think to just try to get up and bounce?

Foolishness!!!!

Am I being too obtuse here people?  Please let me know.  Drop me some comments.  Maybe I’m out of line but isn’t all that shit painfully obvious?

RS

Please pass the tissues... LB

There's nothing like being a woman. You know like having the ability to pee standing up. Market value salaries.  The ability to lift heavy objects without the fear of breaking a nail or the ability to grow facial hair without judgement. OH WAIT... That's men... yea being a girl sucks!

With the amount of estrogen seething through my pores it causes issues - to say the least! The worst occasion happened to be when I cried while driving home from work at a Wachovia radio commercial for identity theft. For some reason knowing that Wachovia had my back if I were to become a victim was too much for my heart to handle.

Yesterday afternoon, I come home and as usual immediately turn the tv on. I happen to stumbled upon a jif peanut butter commercial and by the end I could feel the tears welling up. I have included the commercial because I want you to see how much this is NOT a tear jerker. Yet for some reason, my body rebels against my brain and I can feel the tears welling up.




But the worst commercial and the one I personally think has ruined Sarah Mclachlan career is her animal cruelty commercial. Whenever her song "Angel" comes on all I can see and hear are abused dogs. If I see the commercial come on I turn the channel and never come back.  Simply, because I know I'll be seeing abused dogs for the entire show.  I officially HATE that song and that commercial.  But of course I've included it for your viewing pleasure. 

And just as an FYI.... Estrogen has also ruined the following for me...

• Annual Dog Show
• Almost every episode of Grey's Anatomy
• ET - which I still refuse to see it because I know I will cryThat insurance commercial where people do nice things for each other.  

But I'm hoping I'm not alone in this... I realize most of what I write on this blog is never read, but for the 3-4 die hard fans who read this blog on a semi-regular basis... Write in and share the commercials and movies or whatever that have ruined your life. 

LB