Netflix... LB

For those of you who do not have netflix. Get it immediately... tell them LB sent you and you'll be sure to receive absolutely no discount.

One of the best parts about Netflix is their ability to suggest other films you might like, based on prior movies viewed. I was browsing through their selections of suggested films, one in particular caught my eye.

It's your typical-run-of-the-mill-homoerotic-sci-fi-thriller

Which makes me think about doing my part to make society a better place by creating great gay porn titles.

These titles could be interchangeable with perhaps real life movies/autobiographies.

Teabaggers Tale: The real life autobigoraphie of the Lipton family
Blowing Smoke: Real like story of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
Wearing Pearl Necklaces: The Mikimoto story
Right hand / Left Hand: A love story

LB

Do you have any pictures?... RS

I was lying in bed next to my little girl one night after having just finished telling her another classic story about how Daddy saved the world from tyranny. I think it might have been something along the lines of how Daddy and 300 of his closest friends from the gym united to save the world from some oppressive madman who wore too much jewelry. But I digress…

As I stared down at the only thing on Earth that I’ve ever created that was of any worth at all, I started to think about how much she means to me. And I thought about how much less of a human being I’d without her… And so I saw the opportunity to create a moment that perhaps she would remember forever….

RS: “You know what little girl? When Daddy and Mommy made you we took everything that was good inside of us and put it into you. That’s why you are so wonderful.”

Baby Girl: “What do you mean? You didn’t make me. God made me.”

While this may be true I certainly had something to do with it. And while I will not battle with God for any reason I refuse to not get that credit I deserve for helping make this kid…

RS: “Yes baby, God made you but Daddy and Mommy help to bring you to Earth. And we took all that was good inside of us and…”

Baby Girl: “No you didn’t. How?”

Huh? Fuck! She wants to know how!! It’s too early to tell her how, isn’t it? She’s like seven!!!

RS: “Well, we took that best parts of ourselves and poured them into a glass. Then we gave the glass to God and He did the rest.”

Good one RS. She’s got to go for that one. It sounded so good and came out so pure that for a second I even believed that’s how it went down. But my kid is pretty smart and she was not to be fooled…

Baby Girl: “Nah ahh. I don’t believe you. Do you have any pictures?”

Pictures??? I almost choked on my tongue when she asked about pictures. I could barely contain my laugher as I thought about pictures of her mother and me pouring the best of ourselves into a glass for God. I almost passed out on the floor. Quickly I tried to compose myself.

RS: “No baby girl. Daddy doesn’t have any pictures…”

....but there might be some video tape floating around out there somewhere…

RS

My Chevy Blazer... RS

I’m a big fan of cars. I love them!! I hit car shows all the time. I’m in the dealers on the regular trying checking out the new hotness. That’s my thing I guess.

But up until now I’ve never had a really nice car. I’m very happy with what I drive today although the greedy bastard deep inside of me would always like to have more. But long ago I drove the worst car on planet Earth. It was a beat up old, used 1997, four door Chevy Blazer. It can only be described as red hot steaming garbage. I had to roll down the window to open the door. I only had one windshield wiper that worked. The air conditioner blew hot air in the summer and the heater blew cold air in the winter. My existence was salvaged only by a rather short commute to work.

I used to hate to go shopping or out to nice dinners because I knew I’d be driving the worst car in the parking lot. Rather than valet that hunk of junk I’d sometimes park it down the street and walk. I hated people with nice, new cars. Fuck them…

One day I was going to buy a new pair of shoes on a Saturday morning. I pulled into the parking lot of the local DSW. There were a lot of cars in the lot but waaaaaaaaaaaaay far from the door was parked what looked to be like a brand spanking new H2 Hummer. It was all black and sat up on 24” rims. It was obviously parked that far away from everything because the owner loved it, probably just got it, and didn’t want stupid people getting too close to it. I don’t blame them. Now that I have a nice car I sometimes do the same thing. That H2 was sick… And I was sick… with a lethal combination of anger, envy and rage.

So I quickly formed a diabolical scheme inside of my head to pass along some of my own suffering to the driver of the afformentioned H2. I drove all the way to the far side of the lot and parked my shitty ass Chevy Blazer right next to the brand new H2. But not just next to it. I was practically on top of it. That’s right. There could not have been an inch of space between my passenger door and the driver’s side door of the H2. I was so close to it that the friend I had traveling in my car with me had to crawl over the seat and get out on my side of the car. Then I ran into DSW to set up my looking post.

While my friend looked for shoes I stood at the front of the store pretending to look at the displays while I nonchalantly looking out the window for the owner of the H2 to make their way out to the parking lot. I couldn’t wait. And then it happened.

I watched the clown walk out of the store… across the parking lot… all the way to his car. I saw him actually see my shitty as ride parked all up on his brand new whip. I could feel the anger in swelling in his head. It fueled me. It kept getting better… I had a front row seat to see him proceed to start screaming profanities, jumping up and down and throwing up his hands up in anger and disgust… ALL IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE GIRL!!!!! She could not have been more than five years old!!!!!

Score one for RS!!!!!

My heart was overcome with joy and glee as I watched him enter into his car threw the passenger door, crawl over his seat and drive off in frustration.

I feel good right now just telling this story!!! What’s wrong with me?

-RS

The worst thing I've ever eaten... LB

PS…. This is not an old wives tales or urban folklore… this is the truth….

Many moons ago... I when I was a wee lass. (i.e when cellphones were as long as your forearm and the interweb was not what it is today) My mother was too tired to cook so decided we should go pick up Chinese for dinner.

I got my usual, beef and broccoli and an egg roll. About an hour later, what would be to date the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had hit me like a ton of bricks. I pretty much sublet my parents bathroom for two days. That Sunday, when I could stand or finish a sentence without vomiting. I heard my mother yell for me to come downstairs. She had just read an article about how the very same Chinese food restaurant we had gone to was shut down. WHY? Because they found 40 skinned cats all awaiting their fate, to become various dishes at the restaurant.

I’ll tell you what… It just proves my theory – that brown sauce can make anything taste delicious. (I wonder how it would taste with a little bacon in it)

-LB

Chivarly is not dead!.... LB

It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in DC so me and a male friend decided to take a trip to the zoo. Admission was free and we were broke.  We get to the vulture cages, to find one in particular sizing us up for lunch like we were rotting carcasses. (Maybe it was my new perfume.) Suddenly, It swooped down on us. And I will share with you that vulture with a 10 foot wingspan is no joke. When they come down on you, your life flashes before your eyes. Mine was mainly blank - not sure if that's a problem or not!?! 

The only separating him from us was a thin wire cage that surrounded the bird compound. While it was enough to keep him from pecking our eyes out, it was too much for my male friend who had, in his attempt to run away from the bird, pushed me towards the cage - TO BE EATEN!  He ran to another section of the zoo and promptly called me on my cell to see if I was "ok". Thus proving chivarly is not dead - as he did in fact, call to make sure I had not been eaten alive.  He then informed me as to where he was at, because he was NOT coming back to the bird section of the zoo.

PS. My friend may remember that story differently, as in, not pushing me towards the bird to die. But this is the true story!  By the way I will say in my friends defense . If there was a bullet coming towards me he would in fact stand between me and that bullet... until it became unsafe to continue doing so.

That's true friendship! 

The Water Cooler... RS

I used to work for a company that was so cheap that it refused to provide employees with clean drinking water. What the fuck? What the hell kind of company is this that won’t provide drinking water? Instead, we as individual offices had to rent our own water coolers and then purchase those giant water bottles that look like plastic beer kegs. It wasn’t that big of a deal and rather than drink out of that nasty ass water fountain we just paid the cost of the cooler.

I had worked for my boss for a few years at that point and when I got promoted to a new office and a new position, rather than change water cooler allegiances I just continued to pay him and get my water from his office. It was a good chance to come in and talk sports and man stuff a few times a day. We had a good relationship and getting out of my new office for a few minutes, where I was surrounded by people whose interest were not similar to mine, if only to drink a glass of water was well worth it… until that faithful day…

Parched and practically coughing up dust I grabbed my water bottle and began my trek several doors down the hallway to where my old office had been. I walked in the door and my replacement was sitting at my old desk trying his best to be half the man I am. Nice kid but I digress. My old boss was standing at the water cooler bending down to fill up his mug with his cell phone resting on his shoulder while he spoke on the phone. Because I am innately an evil individual I saw an opportunity that I could not resist unfold before my eyes…

And so it began…

From a dead stop I squared up my shoulders and ran toward him full speed. My replacement, whose desk faced the door, saw me coming. He had that “what the fuck are you doing?” look in his eyes. My old boss who was busy getting water and talking on the phone never saw me coming. As my speed continued to increase I launched myself into the air and executed a perfectly flawless version of the Karate Kid flying jump kick. “Hay Yah!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I came only inches from his head with my size 11 Steve Madden pointed tip dress shoe. His head popped up just in time to see the bottom of that very shoe all up in his grill.

This is where is got bad…

I scared the shit out of him! The high pitch shriek that came from that grown man was similar to that little girl Nute in the movie “Aliens”. Imagine him screaming out “Riiiipleeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs while throwing his hand up in the air like he was a football game doing the wave.

The cell phone went flying across the room and smashed into a wall. Water rained down all over the office like in a torrential down poor. My replacement and I busted out into laugher so hard that I can only try to describe it. I was laughing so hard that as I stumbled back toward the door I could barely stand up straight. I probably looked like I was drunk!

“What the hell’s wrong with you, you son of a bitch?” he screamed at me as he tried to recapture his grown man voice and maintain some level of dignity.

This is where it got worse…

With his best Cy Young impression (the most famous baseball pitcher of all time for those of you who don’t know) that fool drew back his arm. In his hand he held the mug which used to hold the water he was about to try to drink before I came in playing the Black Ninja. He fixed his dagger like eyes on me and then let that shit go…

I only had a fraction of a second to duck my head down in an attempt to save my life. As the mug sailed over my head I could actually feel it graze the base of my skull. I didn’t see it but I heard it crash on the wall behind me. It exploded into micro dust!!!

“Get the fuck out of my office and never come back in here again!!!!!!”

Still laughing despite nearly being killed by a NY Giants mug I stumbled out of there unharmed but still thirsty. The next day I joined the water club in my new office. It was just safer that way. I spent the rest of the week trying to explain to HR and my other office colleagues that I had had not actually Kung Fu’d the shit out of my old boss…

-RS

A Racially Senstive Subject ... LB

At work, I usually spend my time unwittingly signing up my friends for herpes support groups or tracking when the newest sci-fi convention is coming into town.

But I have real work to do this week.  Real work means I'm not able to crap away my day in idle conversation, I actually have to stay at my desk and show tangible work for my time spent on company computers.  My absence prompted my boss and co-worker to come by and visit.  Everyone was curious as why I wasn't around to shoot the breeze.  So I ...(and here's where I messed up)... said "I was working like.... A FIELD SLAVE, to get everything accomplished." 

I had no idea what I'd done would be irrevocably harmful to my future well being in this company.  I believed the smiles and subsequent laughter that followed from them was good.  An affirmation of the fact that I am capable of making people laugh.  But I was wrong and what's worse is what's been happening ever since. 

Now when I walk by, (and this is no lie) I hear my boss making the whip noises.  Every time she drops off a new project, it comes with the "Just crackin' the whip" statement attached.  She made a remark that she was working me too hard like one of PHARAOH's slave drivers...  The remark instantly made me flash back to the beating scene in roots and I'm waiting for her to slip up and refer to me as TOBY. 

I did this to myself people... I opened the floodgates.  Now I have two options...

1. Post this... and quit as my dear friend said to me.  Drop the laptop like the mic in Coming to America and run! 

or... more feasibly.... 

2. Curtail the joking, and appear to be the angry black woman in order to get some peace around here.  So.... let the eye rolling and neck wagging begin! 

(I thought about option 1 - but the cost of replacing that laptop would have come right out of my unemployment checks, can't have that!)

PS.. I just added this because I love the movie so much...