The Painfully Obvious… RS

This blog is going to be horrible… but I’m putting it out there anyway…

In this current economy I am certainly just as happy as the next guy to have a job.  Unemployment is nearly 10% and I’m the first one to admit that I’m no one special.  I could be gone tomorrow and no one would even notice.  I mean the last thing I want is to see my little girl wearing tattered and torn up clothing while standing in line at the soup kitchen because Daddy ain’t shit. 

But just because I’m thankful to have my job doesn’t mean that I like this shit so I’m always on the lookout for something new.  Yesterday morning I got reacquainted with an old associate who works in Human Resources for a company that I would have some interest in if given the opportunity.  The best part is that this individual reached out to me…  That’s always a plus!

I told him what I do, what my strengths are, what I like to do and what I think I think I would be best at.  I even explained to him the facets of my current job that make me unhappy.

After a 30 minute conversation, this fool came back with… “Well the first thing you need to do is updated your resume…”

SLAM ON THE BREAKS!!!!!  THROW THAT SHIT IN REVERSE!!!!!  BACK THE FUCK UP!!!!!

After thirty minutes of conversation this clown comes back with updated your resume!  He has not even seen my resume yet and he suggests that I need to update it already… which means one thing to me…  This fool is a talking head with simple talking points.   He probably wasn’t even listening to me.  And what’s worst?  That was pretty much the end of the conversation.  He didn’t have much more for me.  Why did you even bother to reach out to me with that shit?

While it may make since that my resume may need tweaking for certain jobs… how stupid is that response really?  If you are looking for a job of course you need to update your resume.   How about some suggestion on how?  How about a few suggestions on what I might need to focus on and who I might want to talk to…  No…?  That all you got man?  Nothing more?

That got me thinking about other painfully obvious stupid shit idiots could say to you in your time of need.   Below I have compiled a small list.

Statement:  I’m fat and sloppy.  Help!

Response:  Hmmm… Maybe you should workout…

Rebuttal:  Great!!!  How about a workout plan?  Maybe show me a thing or two in the gym?  No…?  That’s cool.  I’ll just workout.  I’ll be over at the bench press trying to hurt myself if you need me.

Statement:  I’m in middle of the desert and I’m dying of heat exhaustion and starvation.  Help!

Response:  Hmmmm…  You should probably try to cool off and get something to eat and drink.

Rebuttal:  Great!!!!  Perhaps your dumb ass could point me to a cactus to suck water from or perhaps a recently dead camel that I could tear the flesh from and eat while sucking the humps dry…  Seen any trees I could stand under for shade?  No…?  Oh don’t worry about then.  I’ll just hold my hand over my face and drink my own sweat.  After that I’ll eat one of my own fingers.

Statement:  Hey, I’m drowning over here.  Help…

Response:  Hmmmm…  Maybe you should get out of the water.

Rebuttal:  Good call dick!  Any idea of how I might do that seeing as how I’m fucking drowning over here.  Maybe you could toss me a life preserver or even a tree branch.  No…?  Ok, no big deal then.  I’ll just try to get out of this water that I’m drowning in.  While I do that could you please grab my towel?  No…?  Don’t worry about it then.

Statement:  Yo, I’m trapped underneath of this car.

Response:  Wow.  You should probably try to get from underneath of that thing.  Man that shit looks heavy. 

Rebuttal:  Good idea.  I think I’ll try to get from underneath of this car…

Now you know that last rebuttal was as fuckin stupid as the response.  So my question is when you tell me to update my resume what should my response actually be?

Response:  Ahhh… Good idea.  I will update it.  I will change the date ahhhh…..

I’m reminded of a scene in John Milton’s Paradise Lost.  In the opening sceen Satan is trapped in the fires of Hell for 10,000 years after being defeated by God.  He cries out to his right hand man (whose name I forget) that he wants out.  To which his friend replies “We’ll let’s get outta here.”  Then they get up and leave.  You mean after 10,000 years you didn’t think to just try to get up and bounce?

Foolishness!!!!

Am I being too obtuse here people?  Please let me know.  Drop me some comments.  Maybe I’m out of line but isn’t all that shit painfully obvious?

RS

Please pass the tissues... LB

There's nothing like being a woman. You know like having the ability to pee standing up. Market value salaries.  The ability to lift heavy objects without the fear of breaking a nail or the ability to grow facial hair without judgement. OH WAIT... That's men... yea being a girl sucks!

With the amount of estrogen seething through my pores it causes issues - to say the least! The worst occasion happened to be when I cried while driving home from work at a Wachovia radio commercial for identity theft. For some reason knowing that Wachovia had my back if I were to become a victim was too much for my heart to handle.

Yesterday afternoon, I come home and as usual immediately turn the tv on. I happen to stumbled upon a jif peanut butter commercial and by the end I could feel the tears welling up. I have included the commercial because I want you to see how much this is NOT a tear jerker. Yet for some reason, my body rebels against my brain and I can feel the tears welling up.




But the worst commercial and the one I personally think has ruined Sarah Mclachlan career is her animal cruelty commercial. Whenever her song "Angel" comes on all I can see and hear are abused dogs. If I see the commercial come on I turn the channel and never come back.  Simply, because I know I'll be seeing abused dogs for the entire show.  I officially HATE that song and that commercial.  But of course I've included it for your viewing pleasure. 

And just as an FYI.... Estrogen has also ruined the following for me...

• Annual Dog Show
• Almost every episode of Grey's Anatomy
• ET - which I still refuse to see it because I know I will cryThat insurance commercial where people do nice things for each other.  

But I'm hoping I'm not alone in this... I realize most of what I write on this blog is never read, but for the 3-4 die hard fans who read this blog on a semi-regular basis... Write in and share the commercials and movies or whatever that have ruined your life. 

LB

LB's housekeeping tip #001

Have guests coming unexpectedly?  Here's what I do to create a great inviting smell to welcome people as they come to visit. 

Forget candles, infusers or incense.  Head for the fridge and cook some bacon!  It works as a snack to help you keep up your energy as you entertain your guests and nothing is more inviting than the smell of fresh cooked bacon.

HGTV ain't got nothing on me!
LB

Playing Hard to Get... LB

To best understand this post, you will need to read yesterday's.  Here's the link 

So it turns out that things are not always as they seem. Funny enough, the man who sexyily (is that a word?) threw my heavy box into the car was in fact my new neighbor. HE LIED. HE LIED not only to me, but TO MY MOMMA!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG… WTF… and a few other acronyms I can’t think of right now.


OK highly attractive man who lives right down the hall from me. How would you think that I wouldn’t figure out! You live right down the hall from me. WTF!
I just got rejected and HARD! REAL HARD! I realize that I only look like Halle Berry when the room is highly shaded, but still. Lying sir… only makes me want you harder!
This is real folks, cue Hi-Five song. “He’s playing hard to get, he’s playing… but he likes me… he likes me!”

Special Addendum:
I told my mother that there was a man who moved into the apt down the hall. She suggested I bring him pie, but left some important words for me as well. She said, “LB, before you bring the pie, make sure to shave your face!” Good lookin’ out mom. She always has my back!

LB

New Neighbor... LB

Currently, in my lovely apt building I am the only tenant on my floor.  But just yesterday, there were movers bring stuff into an apt down the hall from me. 

There were two men dressed in movers gear while a third much more attractive man oversaw the work.  As I walked past him to take out my trash he kindly greeted me. 

I took a quick assessment.  No ring, attractive, nice build, can obviously afford movers and polite.  SCORE!  I threw out my trash and hightailed it back to my apt, for some personal renovations!  I quickly did my hair, threw on some make-up and smothered myself in scented lotion.

When my mother came by the apartment later on that day she also noticed the cute new neighbor and true to form had already chatted him up before she even got to my door. 

The minute she came into my place she said, "I saw your new neighbor he's cute!"  I answered very nonchalantly, "Yea, I think I said hello to him earlier"

As my mother and I left my apt we took with us a large box that required both of us to carry.  Without missing a beat my mother, sees the new neighborman and exclaims, "You're a big strong man, why don't you help me and my daughter carry this to our truck."

The man took that big box with one hand and tossed it on his shoulders.  I was so turned on, I wanted to hump his leg right there in the hallway! 

As he loads the box effortlessly into the trunk my mother asks, are you the one moving into the apartment.  He answers, "No Ma'am" 

"No Ma'am!"  In just that instant the look on both our faces change.  We ignored him for the rest of the afternoon.  The disappointment hung thick in the air.  Worst part, what moved in was some chick with a yappy dog I wanna kick in the throat everytime I see it.      

LB
PS... I hope my new neighbor never reads this post!

40 Days of Lent... RS

I grew up Catholic although I'm not really practicing anymore.  During Lent Catholics famously give up something special or important to them for a 40 day time period which I believe symbolizes the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert when he was tempted by Satan.

While on the phone with my mother on Fat Tuesday (the day before Lent starts) she asked me what I was giving up for Lent.  At that point I told her that I have decided to give up being an miserable, angry human being...

Silence... before bellowing laughter....

"You can't make it one day without being angry about something or angry at someone.  We both know that."

I have no idea what that woman said the rest of the conversation because she could barely compose herself.

Thanks for being supportive of me Mom...

RS

From the mouths of babes... LB

My friends kids call me Uncle Leslie.  I do not bother to correct them. 
Children are honest and they call it as they see it.

LB