What if I had a stalker... LB

I had a few folks email me about my stalker post. They asked what if you really did have a stalker? This is how I think it would go down. 

Stalker Log
Week 1
Routine check of her refrigerator uncovers many packages of bacon, various diet drinks and I Can't Believe It's Butter Spray.

Routine check of her panty drawer was disappointing.. moving on.

Spent a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. How much does she really eat. ... Oh now I get it. She's purging in each of the parking lots.

Routine check of top ebay and google searches... Hair removal, time machines, adult pajamas with the feet, bacon of the month club

Week 2
Nightly ritual the same:
Crying in the shower
Applied acne cream - 20 mins
Shaving back, neck, face and stomach
Please note: She has not shaved under arms or legs since I started observing her.

Eating Habits:
Pretty healthy overall. But twice a week when she eats her night carbs, she puts on a wig and only refers to herself as Joan.

Bedtime:
Takes the same picture of Worf from Star Trek: Next generation to bed with her... every night!

Sleep
Snuck in to lie next her. The sound of the fart was deafening and my eyes are still burning. Never smelled anything like that from a human. Took two wash cycles to get that stink out of my clothes. (Note my aunt mentioned to try tomato juice, works for skunk attacks)

WEEK 3 - FINAL WEEK
Monday & Tuesday- STILL Spending a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. STILL purging in the parking lots. She got out of her car to ask if I'd hold her hair.

Wednesday - For the love of all that's holy.... What was that!

Thursday - She left me hot chocolate and warm baked cookies. Not sure if it's to keep me close or bribe me into not revealing what I saw yesterday. Either way it's not working... I can't take this anymore.

Friday... She noticed I wasn't outside and she sent me an edible arrangement and a card with some naked pics. I couldn't even eat my melon arrangement.

Saturday ... I put in a two week notice at my building. She's outside every night, trying to get me to come back.

Sunday... I know your reading this... I keep seeing crumbs from your night carbs JOAN. I will call the police if you continue to come by unannounced.

LB

Special Addendum....
I do actually have a stalker, no bull.  Here's how the real life story goes.

A few nights ago I had just pulled into my driveway.  When I saw a black station wagon, heavy tints starting backing into my driveway.  (now this happens often as people get lost in our development and so I'm used to seeing cars partially back into a driveway in order to make a turn)  But this is guy continued to back all the way up my driveway until his car was completely parallel to my own.  He then rolls down the window and asks, "You going to dinner?" 
My first response was "I don't know you sir, but the answer is no.  I'm going to the dentist." (it was actually true)  Then I followed up by saying to the man.  "I am confused are you looking for something?" 
He answered, "I've already found it" and peeled off down the driveway.  Now if I wasn't creeped out before I was by then. That was 3 days ago. 

Update: I have not seen him since.  But as with any other stalker, they are not supposed to be seen.  So if I go missing, know that it is no accident.  And seek help!  

One Man Doing the Manly Things That Men Do… RS

I recently had a conversation with a very dear female friend of mine (who may or may not contribute to this blog and whose initials may or may not be LB) about the things that women do that they consider womanly vs. the shit that men do that we consider MANLY!! She went on for about 10 minutes and I can tell you this for certain… I didn’t pay one bit of attention to anything she said after lip gloss. Not one word… But she did get me thinking about man stuff so when she finally shut up I went into a long monologue about one of my average days as a MANLY MAN…

I get up and go to work like most average men. I hate that shit like most average men and then I leave at EOD like most average men. It’s when I get home that my need to act in MANLY ways comes into play… So I rolled up in the drive way, got out of the car and found myself bored out of my mind. I walked into my garage, took inventory of my surroundings, formulated a plan and then built a motorcycle from scratch. That’s right, built a motorcycle!!! From scratch!!! Not a dirt bike. A motorcycle! With minimal supplies and basically out of scrap metal just sitting in my garage from the day I tore apart that Ford F150 because I didn’t like its paint job. I didn’t even have any tools. I just bent mental into shape with my bare hands and fused it together with brute strength, the way that real men do. When I was done I threw it on my back and jogged to the gas station to fill it up with Diesel fuel. Then I hopped on the bike and road it to the gym.

When I got to the gym I wasn’t tried but was short on time after having to fuse the steal together with raw strength, so I decided that I wasn’t going to push myself too hard or too long. So I decided to Bench… because that’s what men do. So I loaded up the bar with 225lbs and benched for a half an hour straight. I didn’t even take any breaks. I hit like 400 reps, racked that shit and just walked out of the gym without saying anything to anyone… like real men do.

When I got out side I saw some Average Joe admiring my bike. So I tossed his bitch ass the keys and gave him the bike. My kindness was for two very selfish reasons. One, maybe it would help him be more manly and two, because I might need something to do tomorrow after work and chasing the down the guy who “stole my bike at the gym” and beating him savagely without any evidence of mercy or remorse was just as good as any thing else I could have come up with to do.

Then I ran home… wait… sprinted home… at full speed. It was like a five mile run. When I got home I wasn’t sweating or even tired… but I was starving. So I sprinted a few miles father and found a cow pasture, where I attacked and killed a cow before ripping out handfuls of flesh from it side and swallowing it whole. I didn’t even chew it. I didn’t need to… because I’m a MAN… and chewing raw steak is not what REAL MEN do…

After my meal I returned home and showered. I was well fed, got my workout in, got a ride in and was clean. But something was missing… Ahhh, I know. So I walked into the back yard, picked up my Axe and chopped wood… because that’s what men do. They weren’t even my trees. They were the neighbor’s trees. So as a sign off good will I build them a garage out of the wood since technically it was theirs anyway. Hell, I didn’t care. I was tired of seeing there cars anyway. Now they have some place to put them.

After the wood was chopped and the garage was built, I went inside, sat on my couch, put one hand down my pants, used the other to grab the remote… and turned on Football… Because that’s what REAL MEN do… Later that night I pleasured several women but I try not to get into my personal life on this blog.

When I finished my tail of MANLY DEEDS I looked up at my homegirl… who was applying a fresh coat of lips gloss to her already highly glossed lips. Oh well… she’s a woman.

RS

Ridin Dirrrty! LB

For those of you who know me. You'll know that I'm really lazy about keeping up with my car's maintenance. But today it caught up with me. 

I am 10,000 miles past my last scheduled oil change which puts me about about 13000-15000 over due. In addition, since my move, I have not completed the process to get my title switched to my new state of residence. Which is where this story will begin.

Today whilst, picking up supplies for a work project I was stopped by a cop. And I can assure you, just the site of the red and blue lights made me pee just a tiny bit in my pants. See, my car registration expired 6 months ago.

The officer gets out the car and says to me "Ma'am are you aware that your out of state tags are expired. I kept my answers short and concise. I replied, "yes" He then asked me to see my license, registration and proof of insurance. Here's where things get a little hairy....

1. My license - while I did get a new license. (you avid readers, will remember I did a post on it.) I was carrying around my temporary one - which expired 2 weeks ago. The real license is in my house somewhere, I just can't seem to remember where I placed it. So I was essentially driving with an expired license.

2. Registration and Proof and insurance - As I opened the glove compartment box, what should fall out but 3 unpaid parking tickets. Yet there was no registration or proof of insurance to be found.

He took my expired temporary license and went back to check my name in the system. (With as many unpaid parking tixs as I have, I know I got warrants) So when the officer came out of the car, I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. "Ma'am could you please step out of the vehicle." The vision of my car being towed to a police impound lot was very clear in my head. But instead he just asked why I haven't updated my registration. "I answered him, officer, I started the process but there has been a delay getting the title from my previous homestate which is why the car does not have updated tags. (It was actually an honest answer)

I then asked him in these exact words, "officer, am I going to die. i.e. go to jail." He laughed said no and let me go. With no warning, no ticket, nothing. There are only 4 words to describe how I got out of that without the need for bail money. Jesus. Is. My. Homeboy!

LB

Stalking is a victimless crime.... LB

Today’s lesson… Stalking is a victimless crime. Personally, I believe stalking has many benefits.


1. Stalking raises the self esteem of the stalkee – wouldn’t you feel like a million bucks if you knew there was someone out there was interested in Every. Little. Thing. You. Did.

2. Stalking allows me to finally get out of the house at night

3. Stalking allows you to wear black, which is very slimming

4. Stalking inspires you to purchase top of the line camera equipment, which everyone needs anyway

5. Stalkers can actually PREVENT home invasions. No burglar is going to rob a house under constant surveillance.

But more importantly, it is a way for you to really stay connected to those who you’ve have fallen out of touch with or those who purposefully asked that you stay away from them. Always remember… Go away simply means hold me close. There were many nights I just laid next my loved one, simply stroking their hair… I stole from their brush. Or on cold nights, I’d find myself drawing little hearts in fog created by my breath against their windows. Those invisible hearts were a metaphor for our love. I don’t know what that metaphor is but I know one to be there.

But the key is to make your stalking productive for both yourself and your loved one. For example, while they are in the shower. Gently fold their towels and neatly place them somewhere they can reach it. If they haven’t made their bed. Do so, and leave a mint or some other memento of yourself on the pillow, so they can know you’re thinking of them. I personally like to sit on every pillow. Makes me feel like they are resting their heavy heads in my lap every night. You’ll quickly learn it’s the little things that bring comfort - and the excitement of not knowing who is doing all these wonderful things for them, is EXACTLY what your loved one wants. (Despite what they tell police) You need to keep things fresh. Everyone wants to be with someone who has a little mystery surrounding them, so you’re not the boring old girl they used to date then dumped for some 60 pound sexually misguided pre-teen with dreams of making it on Top Model. But I digress.

It’s the holidays and a perfect time to go through your phone book, high school yearbooks, prayer lists from church programs and find those people who really struck a chord with you over your many years of life and begin to learn about them. This is where job gets a little dirty as searching through their garbage is a necessary evil. But remember you’re not sorting through their garbage, these people have basically given you clues to their heart and anything worth locking away in your house forever never to be seen again is worth working for. For example, look through their magazines. If you see a page ripped out, go to your local bookstore or library and find out what page it was. If the missing page was an ad for a new Ipod. Buy it, place it on their door step, or as an alternative, place it in the trunk you plan to rest their weary heads in one day. The music you would have uploaded to it from a few casual searches of their computer will be a good friend for the long car ride to their new home. (With you of course, which will be a delight, when they finally realize that you two are really perfect together.)

Well, that is the end of today’s lesson, have a wonderful Christmas and one small thing, you should really turn the water off while brushing your teeth every morning. It’s really not good for the environment.

LB

An Unfortunate Yet True Story.... LB

While at Panera taking a lunch break. I saw a cute man sitting alone and I decided to try to grab his attention by bending over a counter with a straw in my mouth. I was attempting to show off my skills by feeding the straw thru the hole at the top of the cup. But I missed the hole and ended up stabbing the roof of my mouth with the straw instead. So now to match the bruise on the side of mouth the dentist left me on Tuesday,  I now have one on the roof of my mouth as well.


All I taste is shame.

LB

Weight Room Conversations... RS

I used to workout with two other guys at my gym. I prefer to workout with others because it breaks up the monotony of the routine and provides you with the challenge of trying to keep up with the other guys. It makes something that isn’t really that much fun just a little bit more fun. We didn’t hang out much outside of the gym (only on rare occasion) be we had a good relationship). When a guy was missing in action, we gave him shit. When a guy was complaining about the job, or his woman or his kids, we gave him shit. But it was always in good fun.

Both of these guys were older than me and we are all from very differ upbringings and very different ethnic backgrounds.

One guy was a 42 year old Korean transplant who used to compete as an amateur bodybuilder and detailed cars for living. He was married and had three girls ages 12, 10 and 8.

The other guy was a 35 year old Mexican immigrate who ran a landscaping biz. He had two girls ages 15 and 5.

I'm an inner city Black kid, from DC with a 9 year old princess of my own.

The majority of our workout time was spent making fun of each other in between sets. And since we resembled the United Nations it was usually for some ethnically charged reason. Lots of jokes about ribs, rice, tacos, noodles, chicken, picking cotton, using chop sticks, building railroads, swimming the Rio Grande, etc... Talk of John Shaft, Bruce Lee, Pancho Via, Mike Tyson, Cesar Chavez, Tupac and Jakie Chan.... Dry Cleaning, Nail Shops, Black Exploitation Movies, Rib Shacks, Cinco De Mayo, Taco Stands, Do Jo’s, Crips, Bloods.... It never stopped... But again... all in fun...

One day that all changed... when in between sets... we talked at length about what parts we liked... and didn't like... about the movie... Hanna Montana, which all of us had been forced to see the previous weekend with our children... And it was a serious conversation... until we actually realized what we were talking about.... The point was brought to our attention by several other gym patrons who decided to jump in and help us realize that we were in fact in the Man Cave talking about a 16 year old Country singer and how we would have filmed her movie differently.

The shame rolled off of all three of us more profusely then the sweat. Effectively... our workout was over at that point. I didn’t even finish my final set of whatever exercise we were doing. I just went to the locker room, grabbed my gym bag an left... I drove home in defeat. None of us ever spoke of that conversation ever again.

RS

Things I've learned this holiday weekend... LB

1. Do buy a Snuggie
2. While at Thanksgiving dinner it is apparently OK to fake an orgasm.
3. Do take the Snuggie with you into the bathroom while puking. It will be your only friend against cold tile floors and porcelain toilets
4. It's OK for 6-8 of your closets friends to crash a wedding (The White House crashers should take lessons.  I'm not invited to about 80% of the events I attend!)
5. Do not wear the Snuggie naked. It's like a hospital gown, your back will always be cold.
6. When you watch enough porn, it becomes as natural as watching an episode of Barney (words of wisdom from a well-meaning cousin, also shared at the thanksgiving dinner table)
7. Do wear the Snuggie backwards like a robe and pretend your a character from Harry Potter. British accents required.
8. The cousin/suitor got a promotion AND has been working out since the last time I saw him. (Definitely missed out on that gravy train)
9. Always reverse the Snuggie when letting guests wear it (only applicable if you wear the Snuggie while naked.)
10. Do not take pictures of yourself wearing a beret and aforementioned Snuggie and then email said pics to a friend. Those images will definitely come back to haunt you.

LB