Stalking is a victimless crime.... LB

Today’s lesson… Stalking is a victimless crime. Personally, I believe stalking has many benefits.


1. Stalking raises the self esteem of the stalkee – wouldn’t you feel like a million bucks if you knew there was someone out there was interested in Every. Little. Thing. You. Did.

2. Stalking allows me to finally get out of the house at night

3. Stalking allows you to wear black, which is very slimming

4. Stalking inspires you to purchase top of the line camera equipment, which everyone needs anyway

5. Stalkers can actually PREVENT home invasions. No burglar is going to rob a house under constant surveillance.

But more importantly, it is a way for you to really stay connected to those who you’ve have fallen out of touch with or those who purposefully asked that you stay away from them. Always remember… Go away simply means hold me close. There were many nights I just laid next my loved one, simply stroking their hair… I stole from their brush. Or on cold nights, I’d find myself drawing little hearts in fog created by my breath against their windows. Those invisible hearts were a metaphor for our love. I don’t know what that metaphor is but I know one to be there.

But the key is to make your stalking productive for both yourself and your loved one. For example, while they are in the shower. Gently fold their towels and neatly place them somewhere they can reach it. If they haven’t made their bed. Do so, and leave a mint or some other memento of yourself on the pillow, so they can know you’re thinking of them. I personally like to sit on every pillow. Makes me feel like they are resting their heavy heads in my lap every night. You’ll quickly learn it’s the little things that bring comfort - and the excitement of not knowing who is doing all these wonderful things for them, is EXACTLY what your loved one wants. (Despite what they tell police) You need to keep things fresh. Everyone wants to be with someone who has a little mystery surrounding them, so you’re not the boring old girl they used to date then dumped for some 60 pound sexually misguided pre-teen with dreams of making it on Top Model. But I digress.

It’s the holidays and a perfect time to go through your phone book, high school yearbooks, prayer lists from church programs and find those people who really struck a chord with you over your many years of life and begin to learn about them. This is where job gets a little dirty as searching through their garbage is a necessary evil. But remember you’re not sorting through their garbage, these people have basically given you clues to their heart and anything worth locking away in your house forever never to be seen again is worth working for. For example, look through their magazines. If you see a page ripped out, go to your local bookstore or library and find out what page it was. If the missing page was an ad for a new Ipod. Buy it, place it on their door step, or as an alternative, place it in the trunk you plan to rest their weary heads in one day. The music you would have uploaded to it from a few casual searches of their computer will be a good friend for the long car ride to their new home. (With you of course, which will be a delight, when they finally realize that you two are really perfect together.)

Well, that is the end of today’s lesson, have a wonderful Christmas and one small thing, you should really turn the water off while brushing your teeth every morning. It’s really not good for the environment.

LB