What if I had a stalker... LB

I had a few folks email me about my stalker post. They asked what if you really did have a stalker? This is how I think it would go down. 

Stalker Log
Week 1
Routine check of her refrigerator uncovers many packages of bacon, various diet drinks and I Can't Believe It's Butter Spray.

Routine check of her panty drawer was disappointing.. moving on.

Spent a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. How much does she really eat. ... Oh now I get it. She's purging in each of the parking lots.

Routine check of top ebay and google searches... Hair removal, time machines, adult pajamas with the feet, bacon of the month club

Week 2
Nightly ritual the same:
Crying in the shower
Applied acne cream - 20 mins
Shaving back, neck, face and stomach
Please note: She has not shaved under arms or legs since I started observing her.

Eating Habits:
Pretty healthy overall. But twice a week when she eats her night carbs, she puts on a wig and only refers to herself as Joan.

Bedtime:
Takes the same picture of Worf from Star Trek: Next generation to bed with her... every night!

Sleep
Snuck in to lie next her. The sound of the fart was deafening and my eyes are still burning. Never smelled anything like that from a human. Took two wash cycles to get that stink out of my clothes. (Note my aunt mentioned to try tomato juice, works for skunk attacks)

WEEK 3 - FINAL WEEK
Monday & Tuesday- STILL Spending a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. STILL purging in the parking lots. She got out of her car to ask if I'd hold her hair.

Wednesday - For the love of all that's holy.... What was that!

Thursday - She left me hot chocolate and warm baked cookies. Not sure if it's to keep me close or bribe me into not revealing what I saw yesterday. Either way it's not working... I can't take this anymore.

Friday... She noticed I wasn't outside and she sent me an edible arrangement and a card with some naked pics. I couldn't even eat my melon arrangement.

Saturday ... I put in a two week notice at my building. She's outside every night, trying to get me to come back.

Sunday... I know your reading this... I keep seeing crumbs from your night carbs JOAN. I will call the police if you continue to come by unannounced.

LB

Special Addendum....
I do actually have a stalker, no bull.  Here's how the real life story goes.

A few nights ago I had just pulled into my driveway.  When I saw a black station wagon, heavy tints starting backing into my driveway.  (now this happens often as people get lost in our development and so I'm used to seeing cars partially back into a driveway in order to make a turn)  But this is guy continued to back all the way up my driveway until his car was completely parallel to my own.  He then rolls down the window and asks, "You going to dinner?" 
My first response was "I don't know you sir, but the answer is no.  I'm going to the dentist." (it was actually true)  Then I followed up by saying to the man.  "I am confused are you looking for something?" 
He answered, "I've already found it" and peeled off down the driveway.  Now if I wasn't creeped out before I was by then. That was 3 days ago. 

Update: I have not seen him since.  But as with any other stalker, they are not supposed to be seen.  So if I go missing, know that it is no accident.  And seek help!