The Lawn Mower Man... RS

There are idiots running around all over the place.  These morons walk around freely without fear of consequence.  They prey on those of us with some level of intelligence and poison us with their idiocy.  They have no shame and will go out of their way to ensure their mindless rants of foolishness are noticed by all.  If only there was some way to avoid them entirely.  Alas, we normal, sane individuals are left with no way of telling them apart from others.  That is of course, until they open their mouths. 

Once upon a time, I lived in a pretty decent neighborhood, in a pretty decent house previously occupied by my grandmother in Columbus Ohio.  My family owned the house so I was paying cheap rent. I was pretty happy with the situation.  It was an older neighborhood with a ton of retireers with nothing to do, other than sit around and wait for the grass to grow, so they could cut it.  


Unfortunately for me, I had not yet reached that point in my life. I was back and forth to work five days a week, traveling like a mad man and trying to unwind on weekends.  Too often, I never got around to mowing my lawn. It was huge and often took over an hour. Yeah, I had a mower and I was more than physically capable of doing it myself, but why? 

Being lazy as hell, I looked into a few landscaping companies.  One of my aunts had found a guy before. He actually did the lawn on my house, after my grandmother moved out, and before I moved in. So adding the place back into his rotation would be relatively easy, I figured.  Plus the guy had been mowing it for a few years.  He charged me $35 each time; a little steeper than I wanted to pay, but you can’t really put a price tag on your time, effort and energies can you?

After a few weeks with the lawnmower man -- paying him $35 per week -- my mathematical reasoning kicked in. I was paying this guy $140 a month for no reason at all.  I knew it was time to stop being lazy, but something in me just wouldn’t let me make that leap.
 
Nonetheless, I finally called him up and told him not to come by. Going forward, I would have him do it every other week.  This well-conceived plan saved $70 a month, and still keep me from having to mow my own lawn.  Brians over brawn, I like to call it. 

Two weeks pass.  Since my neighbor was retired, and mowed his grass seemingly every single day, mine was looking pretty bad.  So I gave the old lawnmower man a call.  He called me back a day later, to schedule a time the following day and this is were the idiot within him came out, in full effect.  The charge would be $70 he told me.  What the hell?  Now I’m no Einstein and I’m certainly no calculus major, but I thought the charge was $35 per cut. 

The conversation with this jackass went like so...

Me:  “Why is it going to cost $70 this week?  You didn’t mow it last week and I’m all caught up with my payments.”

Moron:  “Because there is two weeks’ growth on it?”

Me:  “What?!!!!!!?”

Moron:  “Well it is twice as long, and will take me longer so I have to charge more.”

Wait a minute....  You have to be kidding me, right?  Who does this guy think he is, and more importantly, who does he think he is dealing with?

Me:  “Are you kidding?  You have an industrial riding mower and you don't bag the grass clippings. It will take you the same amount of time as every other time you mow it.”

Moron:  “But there is two weeks growth on it.  It will take more time.”

OK.  This conversation is not going the way I want.  Talking to someone who must believe that I am stupid is frustrating.  I decided to use his stupidity against him.

Me:  “So how much do you charge each time you do it?”

Idiot:  “$35”

Me:  “So if you are only mowing it one time this week, I don't understand how you think I would owe you $70.”

Idiot:  “Well, I did it two weeks ago and there is now two weeks of growth on it.”

If this guy says “two weeks of growth” one more time I’m going to lose my mind.  This has to be the worst negotiation offence I have ever heard in my life.  Sorry buddy, you’re not getting over on me today.

Me:  “I understand that.  So then, are you saying that if I wait 3 weeks it will be $105?  Does the cost just grow with the time and the grass?”

Jackass:  Silence

Me:  Four weeks means $140?  That way you’re sure that you always get the same amount of money each month right?

Idiot:  More silence.

Me:  Hello...?

Dummy:  “There would be more growth on it.”

Oh my God in heaven.  How the hell has this guy made it this far in life?

Me:  “You know what?  I think I'm going to start doing it myself, since I don't understand your rates.”

Moron:  “OK, I'll cut you a break on Friday and do it for $35.  How about that?”

What a deal.  I just negotiated this idiot down to his normal rate.

Me:  “No thanks.  I know that my math isn’t the greatest, but yours just lost you an account.”

Then I hung up on his stupid ass.  The next day, I was mowing my own lawn in 95 degree heat.  I guess that’s what I get.  But at least I still have my $70.  Two weeks of growth, huh?  I don’t understand stupid people.  I really don’t. 


RS