4:50am.... RS

At 4:50am one morning I awoke to the sounds of someone knocking shit over in my living room. No way in hell that could possibly be happening, I thought, rolling back over.


At 4:52am I heard the same sounds again. Only this time it was much louder. And now I was wide awake and 100% sure someone other than me was in my house. The adrenaline overwhelmed me.

I sat up in bed with a big-ass smile and thought to myself “Hell yeah!” It’s about time! I’m about to fuck someone up!"

I had been waiting for years to have the opportunity to deliver the equivalent level of physical pain and suffering to someone that I had experience mentally and emotionally during the last thirty years.  If you’ve read a single story on this blog up to this point I’m sure you understand why the prospect of taking someone out might seem delightful to me.  Now was the time to put a stop to someone’s ability to walk upright and breathe. Some fool burglar picked the wrong house to fuck with and now a steep price would be paid.

I grabbed the tomahawk from under my bed. Yes, I have a tomahawk under my bed. Why you might ask? For times just like this! That’s why.

I slowly opened my bedroom door, and tip-toed down the hall. I heard the noise again, and realized what it actually was. There was no one inside of my home but rather someone outside of it. Someone was beating on my door. Disappointment shot through my body as I realized I would not be able to just run into the living room and detach their head from their body with my handcrafted Instrument of Mayhem. Who the hell would be beating on my door at 4:53 am? Doesn’t matter. This is the last door that they will ever knock on again…

I walked to the front door; my lethal weapon of doom in-hand. I yanked the door open; tomahawk concealed behind my back but still ready to strike.

Much to my surprise... it was the police...

Fuck!!!!

My tomahawk and jaw both hit the floor at the same time. My mind was working at 100 mph. I wasn’t ascertaining why the police were visiting this early in the morning. I was trying to figure out why the chance to bludgeon the skull of some poor unsuspecting burglar had just been stolen from me by Johnny Law. And why was he shining that flashlight in my face? Perhaps if I was to kill this dude, I would be justified and exonerated. Madness by light blindness seemed like a reasonable defence?

"Sir, your car alarm has been going off for over an hour, and the neighbors called us."

My car alarm is going off? Just then I realized that my car alarm was in fact going off. I don’t know how I missed the loud sound. Perhaps because I was too busy getting ready to commit murder, and call it self defense.

Long story short... something had tripped the alarm in the middle of the night (probably a stupid squirrel, or some such thing). After turning off the alarm and watching the cops climb in their car and drive away I picked up my tomahawk and walked sullen back to my bedroom, without having collected my kill.

God spends whole days laughing at me. Of this I am certain…

RS