First of all, FUCK Valentine's Day!!!
That being said, last year I decided to spend a few hundred bucks of my hard earned cash to try to show my girlfriend a good Valentine’s Day Weekend.
I decided on shopping and dinner in Georgetown. Best combination of both on planet Earth if you ask me. We got dressed up and hit M St. like we had money to burn. We were in and out of shops and boutiques all afternoon before having a nice dinner at a great restaurant in the city.
After all of that I did my best to keep her away from her cell phone because the last thing I needed was one of her friends calling her to tell her how great their man had treated them. If that happens you spend the rest of the night getting compared to some fool you don’t even know. With that done… I had made it through another V Day.
But wait, you knew that wouldn’t be the end. The next morning she told me that she had a surprise for me. Wow. This is an interesting turn of events. I certainly didn’t see this coming, but I liked the sound of it.
When we got in the car I finally gave in and asked where we were going and what her surprise was. I didn’t expect her to tell me but I decided that I would play along. This would prove to be a costly mistake.
"We are going to Couples Therapy...." she said.... "I think it’s long over due..."
HIT THE BREAKS.... STOP.... BACK THE FUCK UP...!!!! WHAT??????
What the fuck did you just say??? We are going where and doing what? For a brief moment it was as if the world around me had actually stopped moving. The cars around us froze. Birds stopped flying in mid air. The wind ever stopped blowing. It actually stopped blowing! I could feel the anger starting to bubble up inside of me. It wasn’t a slow burn either. It was almost instantaneously a raging forest fire from Hell. Within seconds I had already started plotting ways to kill this woman slowly. Slow was key! It was important that she have time to suffer adequately and gain a through understanding of how treachery and dishonesty do not go unpunished.
Are you kidding me...? After two days and nearly $300 of my hard earned cash this chick dreams up the absolutely ridiculous notion that it would be a good idea to pull me into couple’s therapy, thus implying that I have problems that need to be solved!!! Is she nuts....? Does she have any idea of what I'm capable of? Does she even know who she’s dating? Where did this courage and desire to die a slow, painful death come from? Was she looking to become some sort of mythological martyr for women across the globe on Valentine’s Day?
I was steaming on the inside. I tried to appear as if I was all in favor of this therapy thing but I was failing miserably. I could feel me face getting red with anger and hatred. I looked down my fist were balled up, my knuckles where completely white. I had even accidentally dug my nails into the palms of my hands. I was trapped and there was no place for me to go. My only option was to jump out of the car and tried to kill myself. But then she would not receive the suffering she was due.
We stopped at a stop light that seemed to stay red for hours. Sitting in silence I stared at her with malice. I could tell she wasn’t feeling so good about her plan anymore. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead and her hands were shaking. This brought quite a bit of joy to me and for a brief moment softened my rage. She realized that this was the worst idea since Eve bit the apple. It had dawned on her that this could very well be the end of her. After what seemed like hours, the light finally turned green.
We pull into the parking lot after a 15 minute drive having said practically nothing the entire time. My mind had switched gears from bringing an end to this woman’s life to how to make this therapy session a positive for me. It came to me quickly. I thought about all the shit she does that I hate and why. My new plan was to walk in and blast the therapist with this information first! I would make this session about her issues and not mine. Striking first was key. Anger seethed off of me. I got out of the car and followed the little lamb to slaughter.
We got to the front desk and the receptionist handed me a clip board to fill out some personal information. Good Lord. Not only do I have to spill the intimate details of my relationship to a stranger but first I have to write all the shit on a piece of paper to be put in some filing cabinet. More anger… more seething…
I started filling out the form but the questions seemed rather odd. How stressful is your job? How physical is your profession? You often do you exercise? Where do you hold the stress in your body? This shit wasn’t making any sense to me... until I looked at the top of the form and read the letter head. It was then that I realized that my evil girlfriend had brought me to... Massage Envy... for Couples MASSAGE Therapy....
Fuck.... She got me. And what’s worst was she knew she got me. She knew I was furious and just sat there and let it ride. I can’t believe I fell for that shit. I guess I got what I deserved.
Fuck Valentine’s Day and everything it stands for.
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