Before you read this... If you haven't yet... Please read Reflections on 2009... Part One
http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/12/reflections-on-2009-part-one.html
Now that you're all caught up... Here's part deux
Just a recap from the last post... I'M A JERK!
Just today, I was helping my mother assemble a tv stand. Now I've expertly assembled my entire first apartment. (Does anyone else hate using that S shaped tool IKEA gives you to assemble all their furniture. Couldn't imagine being a dude, wanting to feel manly and being reduced to cranking your whole project together. Leave it to the Swiss to find yet again another way to immasculate the American man. Might as well include skinny leg jeans in each box just for S's & G's)
Moving forward...
When the whole frame was put together and we were ready to stand it upright, the frame was wobbly at best. We spent 20 mins trying to fix it. Try as I may, I could not get the stand to become sturdy. I rescrewed everything in as directed. Still wobbly and practically falling apart, I gave up and began to diassemble the stand. It was at that point I figured out what happened. I was turning the screws in the wrong direction the whole time. (In my defense, it was a dimly lit room and thier arrows weren't very visible.)
We had already had the whole thing practically back in the box by the time I had figured it out and I didn't have the guts to tell my mother of the mistake. So instead, I chose to let her go on for about 30 minutes how she would never buy furniture from this maker ever again. And tomorrow, I'm sure she will head back into Lowe's and demand a refund for the chinsy piece of furniture they sold her. And I will stand right next to her in the customer service line, even more indignant and outraged that they could pass off crap like that to their customers.
Ah well... Better luck next time!
LB
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Reflections on 2009... Part One
It is only a few hours until 2009 is officially over. Thus I have taken some time to really reflect on my life. With all its ups and downs... One thing remains constant. I AM A JERK! This is going to be a long post, so I'm splitting it into two.
Part One.... This happened a little while ago but the shame is still pretty fresh.
A dear friend of mine asked me to put together a small dinner for his birthday. Which I gladly accepted. So the night before I stayed up, dutifully dipping long stemmed strawberries in chocolate. After which I wrapped each one in it's own cute little wrapper as a small party favor to each dinner guest.
I brought the coveted tray of delights to my office knowing that I would have to bring them straight to the party afterwards. I put them in the work refrigerator with a note that said "DO NOT TOUCH"
Right before the end of the work day, I went to retrieve the berries only to see that 3 were missing. I was distraught to say the least. I had worked so hard on each one, and now 3 people would not be able to have their own party favor thus ruining my plans for the party.
I promptly tell my boss about the theft and she in an act of kindness and wrath of which I'd never seen, sent out a SCATHING email to the ENTIRE company. [sidenote, we had a long history of people stealing food from the office refrigerator, but this set my poor boss over the top.] This email, in the most professional manner I'd ever seen, ripped the whole company a new one and promised that if the culprit came forward they would be spared their lives. (but perhaps nothing less)
The President of the company gave me $20 of his own dollars to offset the costs of the missing berries (which I was begrudingly forced to take) while everyone else came by and gave thier comments/theories on who they thought took the berries.
I left the office defeated, my party plans laid in ruins but I still had to pull myself together and make it work.
While driving to the restuarant to set up for the party. My roommate calls me to wish me luck on everything and says, "Oh by the way, I saw you left 3 of your strawberries here in the fridge. Don't worry, I didn't eat them so they'll be here when you get home."
I almost pulled my car into oncoming traffic.
I never told anyone at the office about the mixup. I just continued to further destroy the company morale by letting them believe they had thieves among them. I'm sure people at that office still speak of the story as though it was something of folk lore or an old wives tale. They pass down the story in new hire orientation to warn about the dangers of bringing your lunch to work and the poor girl who paid dearly for her mistake.
-LB
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm turning in to RS.... LB
OK...
I just want to preface this by stating that I am in fact going to seriously repent for the pain and suffering I cause to others. I'd like to attribute this behavior to prolonged exposure to RS.
Sometimes when my boss starts to get on my nerves, I like to get "even". I do this by toying with what no one ever should - a woman's quintessential need to not look fat/over eat in public. Now my boss is a beautiful person on the inside and out, but as with every employer/employee relationship it sometimes can be strained.
I will burn for this...
Example #1
We were at a holiday luncheon not too long ago. At the luncheon I kept remarking how good the pasta was and how I was so excited to order it. Now I knew coming in I was skipping the bread bowl and getting a salad for lunch. But my enthusiam caused my boss to stop her dieting you know... "for the holidays" and get a decadent dish as well.
She ordered first.... the decadent pasta dish. I was the last to order, so of course I get the garden salad with vinaigrette hold the croutons! She gave me this "What Happened?" look. I told her I was saving it for dessert. So once again the dessert menu comes and I plot on the most decadent chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse layers and of course TWO scoops of icecream ala cart. My boss lets down her guard and orders a slice of cheese cake.
When the waiter gets to me I order the seasonal berries with a small dollup of whipped cream... on the side.
Example #2
Fast forward to this morning. I was an hour late for work. So I decided to smooth things over by stopping by the nearest dunkin doughnuts. I called the boss from the road and asked her what she was wanted. She said if you're going to treat yourself, why not. I'll have a sausage croissant sandwich.
I ordered myself a bagel AND a low fat muffin. I ate the bagel in the car. I then brought in my boss' hot, greasy, calorie-laden breakfast sandwich and the low fat muffin to the office. My boss was more than happy to start tearing into her breakfast. After about 2 or three bites she asks me if I am going to eat my low fat muffin. I take one small bite declare it's not good and that I can't spare the calories anyway. I then toss the whole thing into the trash. After seeing the look on her face I knew it was the best 1.79 I've ever spent.
Regretfully - LB
I just want to preface this by stating that I am in fact going to seriously repent for the pain and suffering I cause to others. I'd like to attribute this behavior to prolonged exposure to RS.
Sometimes when my boss starts to get on my nerves, I like to get "even". I do this by toying with what no one ever should - a woman's quintessential need to not look fat/over eat in public. Now my boss is a beautiful person on the inside and out, but as with every employer/employee relationship it sometimes can be strained.
I will burn for this...
Example #1
We were at a holiday luncheon not too long ago. At the luncheon I kept remarking how good the pasta was and how I was so excited to order it. Now I knew coming in I was skipping the bread bowl and getting a salad for lunch. But my enthusiam caused my boss to stop her dieting you know... "for the holidays" and get a decadent dish as well.
She ordered first.... the decadent pasta dish. I was the last to order, so of course I get the garden salad with vinaigrette hold the croutons! She gave me this "What Happened?" look. I told her I was saving it for dessert. So once again the dessert menu comes and I plot on the most decadent chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse layers and of course TWO scoops of icecream ala cart. My boss lets down her guard and orders a slice of cheese cake.
When the waiter gets to me I order the seasonal berries with a small dollup of whipped cream... on the side.
Example #2
Fast forward to this morning. I was an hour late for work. So I decided to smooth things over by stopping by the nearest dunkin doughnuts. I called the boss from the road and asked her what she was wanted. She said if you're going to treat yourself, why not. I'll have a sausage croissant sandwich.
I ordered myself a bagel AND a low fat muffin. I ate the bagel in the car. I then brought in my boss' hot, greasy, calorie-laden breakfast sandwich and the low fat muffin to the office. My boss was more than happy to start tearing into her breakfast. After about 2 or three bites she asks me if I am going to eat my low fat muffin. I take one small bite declare it's not good and that I can't spare the calories anyway. I then toss the whole thing into the trash. After seeing the look on her face I knew it was the best 1.79 I've ever spent.
Regretfully - LB
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Riding in Silence... RS
OK… let me set this up…
I usually don’t bother to play the radio in my car anymore. Most of the today’s music doesn’t interest me and despite being under 30 years old I’d much rather listen to Blues music that was written 30 years before I was born. So the radio in my car is usually turned to the station I used to play my ipod.
So last night my office had our office Xmas Party. It was about 15 miles from the office to the location and several people were going to car pool. I offered to drive so that I was sure that I could leave when I was ready to go. One of my officemates asked if he could grab a ride with me to the party. I gladly said yes. I don’t know him that well but he was in the lobby looking for a ride and I’m the new guy and could stand to make a few friends here at the job.
We got in the car and I fired it up. Inside there was only silence as I had not yet plug in my ipod. About 5 minutes into the ride he jokingly asked me if I always ride in silence. I could not help but take advantage of the situation…
“Yes”, I responded. “It gives me time to reflect upon all of the evil I’ve done in my life…”
No words were spoken the rest of the trip. He road back to the office with someone else…
-RS
I usually don’t bother to play the radio in my car anymore. Most of the today’s music doesn’t interest me and despite being under 30 years old I’d much rather listen to Blues music that was written 30 years before I was born. So the radio in my car is usually turned to the station I used to play my ipod.
So last night my office had our office Xmas Party. It was about 15 miles from the office to the location and several people were going to car pool. I offered to drive so that I was sure that I could leave when I was ready to go. One of my officemates asked if he could grab a ride with me to the party. I gladly said yes. I don’t know him that well but he was in the lobby looking for a ride and I’m the new guy and could stand to make a few friends here at the job.
We got in the car and I fired it up. Inside there was only silence as I had not yet plug in my ipod. About 5 minutes into the ride he jokingly asked me if I always ride in silence. I could not help but take advantage of the situation…
“Yes”, I responded. “It gives me time to reflect upon all of the evil I’ve done in my life…”
No words were spoken the rest of the trip. He road back to the office with someone else…
-RS
A public service announcement: Coppin that new ish...
We've all had times when we've been "Ahead of the curve" whether it be a new artist, a fashion trend, etc. But when you become one of those people who pride themselves on having stuff before everyone else. It begins to bother me... a lot!
I. Being a fan of an artist (music) before everyone else...
How many times have I heard this (or said this) "Oh I was a fan long before they got famous." WHO CARES! The only thing that afforded you was the opportunity to pay less money to see them perform live. So what... you got the luxury of paying the $5 cover fee at your favorite dive bar vs. $50 nose bleed stadium seat 3 years later when their work actually mattered. Most likely they just had the chance to polish up their live performances on you before taking the good show on the road. It's like saying you had a chance to see the original Destiny's Child perform at a mall in Pensauken, NJ before they dropped their first single. You gets NO points for that. Nor do you get points for having sex with a super star BEFORE they became a super star. That means you just gave it up for free.
II. Coppin that ish... before anyone else .... (music)
OK... so somebody decided to leak you a track or a whole CD. Now what? Let me tell you why this annoys me to no end.
1. Half the time it's sooo illegal you can't even people you got it. Your like one of 20 people they leaked the music too, so when the bootlegs come out, guess who's door their knockin on!
2a. Scenario #1 - Your in the car with a friend, listening to your extra advanced yet to be released CD. Next thing you know you get to your favorite track. But your friend has no idea about this song and is not nearly as excited as you are about it. Which kinda brings down the excitement level when your hype and the person across from you is giving you the blank stare
2b. Scenario #2 - Fast forward to a few weeks/months later when the song is released. You and friend are in the car. Your friend ... hears the same track you were diggin like 3 months ago and is like THIS IS MY SONG! But you're OVER it... WHY... cause you been bangin that ish for months already. You even tried to get your friend into it as well but they weren't havin it. Now you're fighting cause you want to change the station and your friend wants to bang out to THEIR song!
III. Coppin that ish before anyone else ... fashion....
Now I get it.. the idea of being an individual and having an individual style that represents you. But on the real, folks are takin this too seriously... "I had those Gucci shoes before anyone else." GOOD FOR YOU! So now your the first one I can officially say was stupid for rockin that look in the first place. Like whoever decided it was cool for men to layer 2 fitted polo shirts and pop both collars. If that is your claim to fame... kill yourself!
This is your public service announcement for the day. I know it may seem harsh... but it had to be said!
LB
I. Being a fan of an artist (music) before everyone else...
How many times have I heard this (or said this) "Oh I was a fan long before they got famous." WHO CARES! The only thing that afforded you was the opportunity to pay less money to see them perform live. So what... you got the luxury of paying the $5 cover fee at your favorite dive bar vs. $50 nose bleed stadium seat 3 years later when their work actually mattered. Most likely they just had the chance to polish up their live performances on you before taking the good show on the road. It's like saying you had a chance to see the original Destiny's Child perform at a mall in Pensauken, NJ before they dropped their first single. You gets NO points for that. Nor do you get points for having sex with a super star BEFORE they became a super star. That means you just gave it up for free.
II. Coppin that ish... before anyone else .... (music)
OK... so somebody decided to leak you a track or a whole CD. Now what? Let me tell you why this annoys me to no end.
1. Half the time it's sooo illegal you can't even people you got it. Your like one of 20 people they leaked the music too, so when the bootlegs come out, guess who's door their knockin on!
2a. Scenario #1 - Your in the car with a friend, listening to your extra advanced yet to be released CD. Next thing you know you get to your favorite track. But your friend has no idea about this song and is not nearly as excited as you are about it. Which kinda brings down the excitement level when your hype and the person across from you is giving you the blank stare
2b. Scenario #2 - Fast forward to a few weeks/months later when the song is released. You and friend are in the car. Your friend ... hears the same track you were diggin like 3 months ago and is like THIS IS MY SONG! But you're OVER it... WHY... cause you been bangin that ish for months already. You even tried to get your friend into it as well but they weren't havin it. Now you're fighting cause you want to change the station and your friend wants to bang out to THEIR song!
III. Coppin that ish before anyone else ... fashion....
Now I get it.. the idea of being an individual and having an individual style that represents you. But on the real, folks are takin this too seriously... "I had those Gucci shoes before anyone else." GOOD FOR YOU! So now your the first one I can officially say was stupid for rockin that look in the first place. Like whoever decided it was cool for men to layer 2 fitted polo shirts and pop both collars. If that is your claim to fame... kill yourself!
This is your public service announcement for the day. I know it may seem harsh... but it had to be said!
LB
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Merry CHRISTmas! LB
My office informed me this week that it is my job to decorate the office. Just as an FYI... I know I'm a girl... and I know I also overuse the terms fabulous and fierce but, I. Do. Not. Decorate!
I decided to make it so that I would never be chosen to decorate again. This image which btw is my new desktop pic (Sorry hang in there cat!) was the impetus to my design theme.
I decided to make it so that I would never be chosen to decorate again. This image which btw is my new desktop pic (Sorry hang in there cat!) was the impetus to my design theme.
While trolling through various Christian bookstores, craft stores and my basement I stumbled on some great things.
Along with the bows and wreaths I also included... a 8'x6' nativity cutout.... Bought 2 to drape both walls of the hallway. (you need two... having one is like a great a great HD tv with no sound system)
I found this while rummaging through my own things. I am really tempted to suggest this as a topper to the Christmas tree. It's actually a scanned copied of a self-published pamphlet entitled... Jesus was a colored. Print Date circa 1930
I also found red paint on sale. I was tempted to paint a Red X on my door with a sign that said
"The Angel of Death is not welcome here! (i.e. Management)
I'm pretty sure that they are going to revoke my corporate Amex card.
LB
No Sick Days for Me... RS
I may have mentioned before that I used to work for a company that I just couldn’t stand and I worked with people that for the most part I hated. Today however, I’m lucky enough to have a job I can stomach while working with people that I actually like. This fact was made evident to me this past week while I was dying of the worst cold that I’ve had in nearly 30 yrs of life. It was so bad in fact that for the first time in ages I actually had to take a few sick days and stay home (although they made my take my laptop with me and I actually spent most of my sick time running reports and calling in for conference calls… but I digress….).
Anyway, the fact that I was home sick made me realize how much I really do like the people that I currently work with… because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would have ever take a sick day at my last job. NO WAY IN HELL. I would not have given them that kind of respect. Instead, I would have drug my sick ass out of bed, un-showered, unshaven, and unhealthy, wearing the most raggedy gear I owned just so I could spread the sickness!!! I would have walked in sniffling and coughing while using my hands to rub my nose. Then, only after sneezing all over my hands as many time as possible would I have gone on a handshaking expedition all through the office (for those of you who follow this blog regularly, you can rest assured that the first stop would have been the Cyclopes’ office and given his blind ass a bear hug http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/11/cyclopes-and-can-of-fruit-cocktail-rs_1143.html). Watching my colleges fall ill with similar symptoms over the next few days brought me a certain joy that I cannot describe to you in mere words… Oh the joy…
But, here at the new spot… no need for that as I am surrounded by wonderful people who have mutual respect and admiration for each other. So I spared them the plight of sickness that others in my past may have deserved. However, I did consider heading over to my old office, walking in and exchanging greetings… FUCKERS…
-RS
Anyway, the fact that I was home sick made me realize how much I really do like the people that I currently work with… because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would have ever take a sick day at my last job. NO WAY IN HELL. I would not have given them that kind of respect. Instead, I would have drug my sick ass out of bed, un-showered, unshaven, and unhealthy, wearing the most raggedy gear I owned just so I could spread the sickness!!! I would have walked in sniffling and coughing while using my hands to rub my nose. Then, only after sneezing all over my hands as many time as possible would I have gone on a handshaking expedition all through the office (for those of you who follow this blog regularly, you can rest assured that the first stop would have been the Cyclopes’ office and given his blind ass a bear hug http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/11/cyclopes-and-can-of-fruit-cocktail-rs_1143.html). Watching my colleges fall ill with similar symptoms over the next few days brought me a certain joy that I cannot describe to you in mere words… Oh the joy…
But, here at the new spot… no need for that as I am surrounded by wonderful people who have mutual respect and admiration for each other. So I spared them the plight of sickness that others in my past may have deserved. However, I did consider heading over to my old office, walking in and exchanging greetings… FUCKERS…
-RS
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Holla at me about Church on Sunday.... RS
Since we have started this blog many of our readers have suggested that we (specifically me) would probably be doing ourselves and the rest of the worlds a huge service by attending a church service of some kind. Perhaps Jesus could save me from the sickness that is inside of my head and heart....(although it has already been establised in a previous blog that that my in fact not be the case... http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/11/can-jesus-really-save-me.html )
But it is probably true that it would not be a bad idea to at least give it a try....
So one of our very dear readers who is also a very dear friend of mine actually invited me to attend church with her. I thought that was a very nice gesture and decided that I would take her up on her offer and try to change my life for the better. However, in the midst of the evil, gloom, doom and despair that consistently runs around in my head and heart I new that I would forget about her kind gesture. So I asked my dear friend to remind me the day prior to this evangelical outing. And she did... via... TWITTER...
Huh??? She did what?
For normal people that may have worked... but here is the funny thing about that... She has my number... my email and even knows where I live... But rather than use any of these normal means by which to contact me... she chose to TWITTER me...
That's right... She didn't call... She didn't send an email.... She didn't even Facebook me (is that how you say that??? I have not idea). She has never twittered me before in our lives and suddenly that was the way to get up with me...
Let me explain this.... You see... MY SALVATION IS ON THE LINE AND THIS CHICK CHOOSE TO DEPEND ON TWITTER TO SAVE ME FROM THE FIRES OF HELL.
No one had ever twittered (is that how you say that shit) me before. I didn't even know how to check it until if figured it out about a week after the fact. So in essence my soul will burn in Hells hottest fire for an additional week at after the rapture because my homegirl decided that twitter is the new Angel Gabriel...
To make matter worse... she text me this morning to let me know... that she wouldn't be able to make it. I got right back in bed... I'm going to Hell and will most likely be seated in the third row...
-RS
But it is probably true that it would not be a bad idea to at least give it a try....
So one of our very dear readers who is also a very dear friend of mine actually invited me to attend church with her. I thought that was a very nice gesture and decided that I would take her up on her offer and try to change my life for the better. However, in the midst of the evil, gloom, doom and despair that consistently runs around in my head and heart I new that I would forget about her kind gesture. So I asked my dear friend to remind me the day prior to this evangelical outing. And she did... via... TWITTER...
Huh??? She did what?
For normal people that may have worked... but here is the funny thing about that... She has my number... my email and even knows where I live... But rather than use any of these normal means by which to contact me... she chose to TWITTER me...
That's right... She didn't call... She didn't send an email.... She didn't even Facebook me (is that how you say that??? I have not idea). She has never twittered me before in our lives and suddenly that was the way to get up with me...
Let me explain this.... You see... MY SALVATION IS ON THE LINE AND THIS CHICK CHOOSE TO DEPEND ON TWITTER TO SAVE ME FROM THE FIRES OF HELL.
No one had ever twittered (is that how you say that shit) me before. I didn't even know how to check it until if figured it out about a week after the fact. So in essence my soul will burn in Hells hottest fire for an additional week at after the rapture because my homegirl decided that twitter is the new Angel Gabriel...
To make matter worse... she text me this morning to let me know... that she wouldn't be able to make it. I got right back in bed... I'm going to Hell and will most likely be seated in the third row...
-RS
Friday, December 11, 2009
What if I had a stalker... LB
I had a few folks email me about my stalker post. They asked what if you really did have a stalker? This is how I think it would go down.
Stalker Log
Week 1
Routine check of her refrigerator uncovers many packages of bacon, various diet drinks and I Can't Believe It's Butter Spray.
Routine check of her panty drawer was disappointing.. moving on.
Spent a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. How much does she really eat. ... Oh now I get it. She's purging in each of the parking lots.
Routine check of top ebay and google searches... Hair removal, time machines, adult pajamas with the feet, bacon of the month club
Week 2
Nightly ritual the same:
Crying in the shower
Applied acne cream - 20 mins
Shaving back, neck, face and stomach
Please note: She has not shaved under arms or legs since I started observing her.
Eating Habits:
Pretty healthy overall. But twice a week when she eats her night carbs, she puts on a wig and only refers to herself as Joan.
Bedtime:
Takes the same picture of Worf from Star Trek: Next generation to bed with her... every night!
Sleep
Snuck in to lie next her. The sound of the fart was deafening and my eyes are still burning. Never smelled anything like that from a human. Took two wash cycles to get that stink out of my clothes. (Note my aunt mentioned to try tomato juice, works for skunk attacks)
WEEK 3 - FINAL WEEK
Monday & Tuesday- STILL Spending a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. STILL purging in the parking lots. She got out of her car to ask if I'd hold her hair.
Wednesday - For the love of all that's holy.... What was that!
Thursday - She left me hot chocolate and warm baked cookies. Not sure if it's to keep me close or bribe me into not revealing what I saw yesterday. Either way it's not working... I can't take this anymore.
Friday... She noticed I wasn't outside and she sent me an edible arrangement and a card with some naked pics. I couldn't even eat my melon arrangement.
Saturday ... I put in a two week notice at my building. She's outside every night, trying to get me to come back.
Sunday... I know your reading this... I keep seeing crumbs from your night carbs JOAN. I will call the police if you continue to come by unannounced.
LB
Special Addendum....
I do actually have a stalker, no bull. Here's how the real life story goes.
A few nights ago I had just pulled into my driveway. When I saw a black station wagon, heavy tints starting backing into my driveway. (now this happens often as people get lost in our development and so I'm used to seeing cars partially back into a driveway in order to make a turn) But this is guy continued to back all the way up my driveway until his car was completely parallel to my own. He then rolls down the window and asks, "You going to dinner?"
My first response was "I don't know you sir, but the answer is no. I'm going to the dentist." (it was actually true) Then I followed up by saying to the man. "I am confused are you looking for something?"
He answered, "I've already found it" and peeled off down the driveway. Now if I wasn't creeped out before I was by then. That was 3 days ago.
Update: I have not seen him since. But as with any other stalker, they are not supposed to be seen. So if I go missing, know that it is no accident. And seek help!
Stalker Log
Week 1
Routine check of her refrigerator uncovers many packages of bacon, various diet drinks and I Can't Believe It's Butter Spray.
Routine check of her panty drawer was disappointing.. moving on.
Spent a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. How much does she really eat. ... Oh now I get it. She's purging in each of the parking lots.
Routine check of top ebay and google searches... Hair removal, time machines, adult pajamas with the feet, bacon of the month club
Week 2
Nightly ritual the same:
Crying in the shower
Applied acne cream - 20 mins
Shaving back, neck, face and stomach
Please note: She has not shaved under arms or legs since I started observing her.
Eating Habits:
Pretty healthy overall. But twice a week when she eats her night carbs, she puts on a wig and only refers to herself as Joan.
Bedtime:
Takes the same picture of Worf from Star Trek: Next generation to bed with her... every night!
Sleep
Snuck in to lie next her. The sound of the fart was deafening and my eyes are still burning. Never smelled anything like that from a human. Took two wash cycles to get that stink out of my clothes. (Note my aunt mentioned to try tomato juice, works for skunk attacks)
WEEK 3 - FINAL WEEK
Monday & Tuesday- STILL Spending a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. STILL purging in the parking lots. She got out of her car to ask if I'd hold her hair.
Wednesday - For the love of all that's holy.... What was that!
Thursday - She left me hot chocolate and warm baked cookies. Not sure if it's to keep me close or bribe me into not revealing what I saw yesterday. Either way it's not working... I can't take this anymore.
Friday... She noticed I wasn't outside and she sent me an edible arrangement and a card with some naked pics. I couldn't even eat my melon arrangement.
Saturday ... I put in a two week notice at my building. She's outside every night, trying to get me to come back.
Sunday... I know your reading this... I keep seeing crumbs from your night carbs JOAN. I will call the police if you continue to come by unannounced.
LB
Special Addendum....
I do actually have a stalker, no bull. Here's how the real life story goes.
A few nights ago I had just pulled into my driveway. When I saw a black station wagon, heavy tints starting backing into my driveway. (now this happens often as people get lost in our development and so I'm used to seeing cars partially back into a driveway in order to make a turn) But this is guy continued to back all the way up my driveway until his car was completely parallel to my own. He then rolls down the window and asks, "You going to dinner?"
My first response was "I don't know you sir, but the answer is no. I'm going to the dentist." (it was actually true) Then I followed up by saying to the man. "I am confused are you looking for something?"
He answered, "I've already found it" and peeled off down the driveway. Now if I wasn't creeped out before I was by then. That was 3 days ago.
Update: I have not seen him since. But as with any other stalker, they are not supposed to be seen. So if I go missing, know that it is no accident. And seek help!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
One Man Doing the Manly Things That Men Do… RS
I recently had a conversation with a very dear female friend of mine (who may or may not contribute to this blog and whose initials may or may not be LB) about the things that women do that they consider womanly vs. the shit that men do that we consider MANLY!! She went on for about 10 minutes and I can tell you this for certain… I didn’t pay one bit of attention to anything she said after lip gloss. Not one word… But she did get me thinking about man stuff so when she finally shut up I went into a long monologue about one of my average days as a MANLY MAN…
I get up and go to work like most average men. I hate that shit like most average men and then I leave at EOD like most average men. It’s when I get home that my need to act in MANLY ways comes into play… So I rolled up in the drive way, got out of the car and found myself bored out of my mind. I walked into my garage, took inventory of my surroundings, formulated a plan and then built a motorcycle from scratch. That’s right, built a motorcycle!!! From scratch!!! Not a dirt bike. A motorcycle! With minimal supplies and basically out of scrap metal just sitting in my garage from the day I tore apart that Ford F150 because I didn’t like its paint job. I didn’t even have any tools. I just bent mental into shape with my bare hands and fused it together with brute strength, the way that real men do. When I was done I threw it on my back and jogged to the gas station to fill it up with Diesel fuel. Then I hopped on the bike and road it to the gym.
When I got to the gym I wasn’t tried but was short on time after having to fuse the steal together with raw strength, so I decided that I wasn’t going to push myself too hard or too long. So I decided to Bench… because that’s what men do. So I loaded up the bar with 225lbs and benched for a half an hour straight. I didn’t even take any breaks. I hit like 400 reps, racked that shit and just walked out of the gym without saying anything to anyone… like real men do.
When I got out side I saw some Average Joe admiring my bike. So I tossed his bitch ass the keys and gave him the bike. My kindness was for two very selfish reasons. One, maybe it would help him be more manly and two, because I might need something to do tomorrow after work and chasing the down the guy who “stole my bike at the gym” and beating him savagely without any evidence of mercy or remorse was just as good as any thing else I could have come up with to do.
Then I ran home… wait… sprinted home… at full speed. It was like a five mile run. When I got home I wasn’t sweating or even tired… but I was starving. So I sprinted a few miles father and found a cow pasture, where I attacked and killed a cow before ripping out handfuls of flesh from it side and swallowing it whole. I didn’t even chew it. I didn’t need to… because I’m a MAN… and chewing raw steak is not what REAL MEN do…
After my meal I returned home and showered. I was well fed, got my workout in, got a ride in and was clean. But something was missing… Ahhh, I know. So I walked into the back yard, picked up my Axe and chopped wood… because that’s what men do. They weren’t even my trees. They were the neighbor’s trees. So as a sign off good will I build them a garage out of the wood since technically it was theirs anyway. Hell, I didn’t care. I was tired of seeing there cars anyway. Now they have some place to put them.
After the wood was chopped and the garage was built, I went inside, sat on my couch, put one hand down my pants, used the other to grab the remote… and turned on Football… Because that’s what REAL MEN do… Later that night I pleasured several women but I try not to get into my personal life on this blog.
When I finished my tail of MANLY DEEDS I looked up at my homegirl… who was applying a fresh coat of lips gloss to her already highly glossed lips. Oh well… she’s a woman.
RS
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Ridin Dirrrty! LB
For those of you who know me. You'll know that I'm really lazy about keeping up with my car's maintenance. But today it caught up with me.
I am 10,000 miles past my last scheduled oil change which puts me about about 13000-15000 over due. In addition, since my move, I have not completed the process to get my title switched to my new state of residence. Which is where this story will begin.
Today whilst, picking up supplies for a work project I was stopped by a cop. And I can assure you, just the site of the red and blue lights made me pee just a tiny bit in my pants. See, my car registration expired 6 months ago.
The officer gets out the car and says to me "Ma'am are you aware that your out of state tags are expired. I kept my answers short and concise. I replied, "yes" He then asked me to see my license, registration and proof of insurance. Here's where things get a little hairy....
1. My license - while I did get a new license. (you avid readers, will remember I did a post on it.) I was carrying around my temporary one - which expired 2 weeks ago. The real license is in my house somewhere, I just can't seem to remember where I placed it. So I was essentially driving with an expired license.
2. Registration and Proof and insurance - As I opened the glove compartment box, what should fall out but 3 unpaid parking tickets. Yet there was no registration or proof of insurance to be found.
He took my expired temporary license and went back to check my name in the system. (With as many unpaid parking tixs as I have, I know I got warrants) So when the officer came out of the car, I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. "Ma'am could you please step out of the vehicle." The vision of my car being towed to a police impound lot was very clear in my head. But instead he just asked why I haven't updated my registration. "I answered him, officer, I started the process but there has been a delay getting the title from my previous homestate which is why the car does not have updated tags. (It was actually an honest answer)
I then asked him in these exact words, "officer, am I going to die. i.e. go to jail." He laughed said no and let me go. With no warning, no ticket, nothing. There are only 4 words to describe how I got out of that without the need for bail money. Jesus. Is. My. Homeboy!
LB
I am 10,000 miles past my last scheduled oil change which puts me about about 13000-15000 over due. In addition, since my move, I have not completed the process to get my title switched to my new state of residence. Which is where this story will begin.
Today whilst, picking up supplies for a work project I was stopped by a cop. And I can assure you, just the site of the red and blue lights made me pee just a tiny bit in my pants. See, my car registration expired 6 months ago.
The officer gets out the car and says to me "Ma'am are you aware that your out of state tags are expired. I kept my answers short and concise. I replied, "yes" He then asked me to see my license, registration and proof of insurance. Here's where things get a little hairy....
1. My license - while I did get a new license. (you avid readers, will remember I did a post on it.) I was carrying around my temporary one - which expired 2 weeks ago. The real license is in my house somewhere, I just can't seem to remember where I placed it. So I was essentially driving with an expired license.
2. Registration and Proof and insurance - As I opened the glove compartment box, what should fall out but 3 unpaid parking tickets. Yet there was no registration or proof of insurance to be found.
He took my expired temporary license and went back to check my name in the system. (With as many unpaid parking tixs as I have, I know I got warrants) So when the officer came out of the car, I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. "Ma'am could you please step out of the vehicle." The vision of my car being towed to a police impound lot was very clear in my head. But instead he just asked why I haven't updated my registration. "I answered him, officer, I started the process but there has been a delay getting the title from my previous homestate which is why the car does not have updated tags. (It was actually an honest answer)
I then asked him in these exact words, "officer, am I going to die. i.e. go to jail." He laughed said no and let me go. With no warning, no ticket, nothing. There are only 4 words to describe how I got out of that without the need for bail money. Jesus. Is. My. Homeboy!
LB
Monday, December 7, 2009
Stalking is a victimless crime.... LB
Today’s lesson… Stalking is a victimless crime. Personally, I believe stalking has many benefits.
1. Stalking raises the self esteem of the stalkee – wouldn’t you feel like a million bucks if you knew there was someone out there was interested in Every. Little. Thing. You. Did.
2. Stalking allows me to finally get out of the house at night
3. Stalking allows you to wear black, which is very slimming
4. Stalking inspires you to purchase top of the line camera equipment, which everyone needs anyway
5. Stalkers can actually PREVENT home invasions. No burglar is going to rob a house under constant surveillance.
But more importantly, it is a way for you to really stay connected to those who you’ve have fallen out of touch with or those who purposefully asked that you stay away from them. Always remember… Go away simply means hold me close. There were many nights I just laid next my loved one, simply stroking their hair… I stole from their brush. Or on cold nights, I’d find myself drawing little hearts in fog created by my breath against their windows. Those invisible hearts were a metaphor for our love. I don’t know what that metaphor is but I know one to be there.
But the key is to make your stalking productive for both yourself and your loved one. For example, while they are in the shower. Gently fold their towels and neatly place them somewhere they can reach it. If they haven’t made their bed. Do so, and leave a mint or some other memento of yourself on the pillow, so they can know you’re thinking of them. I personally like to sit on every pillow. Makes me feel like they are resting their heavy heads in my lap every night. You’ll quickly learn it’s the little things that bring comfort - and the excitement of not knowing who is doing all these wonderful things for them, is EXACTLY what your loved one wants. (Despite what they tell police) You need to keep things fresh. Everyone wants to be with someone who has a little mystery surrounding them, so you’re not the boring old girl they used to date then dumped for some 60 pound sexually misguided pre-teen with dreams of making it on Top Model. But I digress.
It’s the holidays and a perfect time to go through your phone book, high school yearbooks, prayer lists from church programs and find those people who really struck a chord with you over your many years of life and begin to learn about them. This is where job gets a little dirty as searching through their garbage is a necessary evil. But remember you’re not sorting through their garbage, these people have basically given you clues to their heart and anything worth locking away in your house forever never to be seen again is worth working for. For example, look through their magazines. If you see a page ripped out, go to your local bookstore or library and find out what page it was. If the missing page was an ad for a new Ipod. Buy it, place it on their door step, or as an alternative, place it in the trunk you plan to rest their weary heads in one day. The music you would have uploaded to it from a few casual searches of their computer will be a good friend for the long car ride to their new home. (With you of course, which will be a delight, when they finally realize that you two are really perfect together.)
Well, that is the end of today’s lesson, have a wonderful Christmas and one small thing, you should really turn the water off while brushing your teeth every morning. It’s really not good for the environment.
LB
1. Stalking raises the self esteem of the stalkee – wouldn’t you feel like a million bucks if you knew there was someone out there was interested in Every. Little. Thing. You. Did.
2. Stalking allows me to finally get out of the house at night
3. Stalking allows you to wear black, which is very slimming
4. Stalking inspires you to purchase top of the line camera equipment, which everyone needs anyway
5. Stalkers can actually PREVENT home invasions. No burglar is going to rob a house under constant surveillance.
But more importantly, it is a way for you to really stay connected to those who you’ve have fallen out of touch with or those who purposefully asked that you stay away from them. Always remember… Go away simply means hold me close. There were many nights I just laid next my loved one, simply stroking their hair… I stole from their brush. Or on cold nights, I’d find myself drawing little hearts in fog created by my breath against their windows. Those invisible hearts were a metaphor for our love. I don’t know what that metaphor is but I know one to be there.
But the key is to make your stalking productive for both yourself and your loved one. For example, while they are in the shower. Gently fold their towels and neatly place them somewhere they can reach it. If they haven’t made their bed. Do so, and leave a mint or some other memento of yourself on the pillow, so they can know you’re thinking of them. I personally like to sit on every pillow. Makes me feel like they are resting their heavy heads in my lap every night. You’ll quickly learn it’s the little things that bring comfort - and the excitement of not knowing who is doing all these wonderful things for them, is EXACTLY what your loved one wants. (Despite what they tell police) You need to keep things fresh. Everyone wants to be with someone who has a little mystery surrounding them, so you’re not the boring old girl they used to date then dumped for some 60 pound sexually misguided pre-teen with dreams of making it on Top Model. But I digress.
It’s the holidays and a perfect time to go through your phone book, high school yearbooks, prayer lists from church programs and find those people who really struck a chord with you over your many years of life and begin to learn about them. This is where job gets a little dirty as searching through their garbage is a necessary evil. But remember you’re not sorting through their garbage, these people have basically given you clues to their heart and anything worth locking away in your house forever never to be seen again is worth working for. For example, look through their magazines. If you see a page ripped out, go to your local bookstore or library and find out what page it was. If the missing page was an ad for a new Ipod. Buy it, place it on their door step, or as an alternative, place it in the trunk you plan to rest their weary heads in one day. The music you would have uploaded to it from a few casual searches of their computer will be a good friend for the long car ride to their new home. (With you of course, which will be a delight, when they finally realize that you two are really perfect together.)
Well, that is the end of today’s lesson, have a wonderful Christmas and one small thing, you should really turn the water off while brushing your teeth every morning. It’s really not good for the environment.
LB
Thursday, December 3, 2009
An Unfortunate Yet True Story.... LB
While at Panera taking a lunch break. I saw a cute man sitting alone and I decided to try to grab his attention by bending over a counter with a straw in my mouth. I was attempting to show off my skills by feeding the straw thru the hole at the top of the cup. But I missed the hole and ended up stabbing the roof of my mouth with the straw instead. So now to match the bruise on the side of mouth the dentist left me on Tuesday, I now have one on the roof of my mouth as well.
All I taste is shame.
LB
All I taste is shame.
LB
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Weight Room Conversations... RS
I used to workout with two other guys at my gym. I prefer to workout with others because it breaks up the monotony of the routine and provides you with the challenge of trying to keep up with the other guys. It makes something that isn’t really that much fun just a little bit more fun. We didn’t hang out much outside of the gym (only on rare occasion) be we had a good relationship). When a guy was missing in action, we gave him shit. When a guy was complaining about the job, or his woman or his kids, we gave him shit. But it was always in good fun.
Both of these guys were older than me and we are all from very differ upbringings and very different ethnic backgrounds.
One guy was a 42 year old Korean transplant who used to compete as an amateur bodybuilder and detailed cars for living. He was married and had three girls ages 12, 10 and 8.
The other guy was a 35 year old Mexican immigrate who ran a landscaping biz. He had two girls ages 15 and 5.
I'm an inner city Black kid, from DC with a 9 year old princess of my own.
The majority of our workout time was spent making fun of each other in between sets. And since we resembled the United Nations it was usually for some ethnically charged reason. Lots of jokes about ribs, rice, tacos, noodles, chicken, picking cotton, using chop sticks, building railroads, swimming the Rio Grande, etc... Talk of John Shaft, Bruce Lee, Pancho Via, Mike Tyson, Cesar Chavez, Tupac and Jakie Chan.... Dry Cleaning, Nail Shops, Black Exploitation Movies, Rib Shacks, Cinco De Mayo, Taco Stands, Do Jo’s, Crips, Bloods.... It never stopped... But again... all in fun...
One day that all changed... when in between sets... we talked at length about what parts we liked... and didn't like... about the movie... Hanna Montana, which all of us had been forced to see the previous weekend with our children... And it was a serious conversation... until we actually realized what we were talking about.... The point was brought to our attention by several other gym patrons who decided to jump in and help us realize that we were in fact in the Man Cave talking about a 16 year old Country singer and how we would have filmed her movie differently.
The shame rolled off of all three of us more profusely then the sweat. Effectively... our workout was over at that point. I didn’t even finish my final set of whatever exercise we were doing. I just went to the locker room, grabbed my gym bag an left... I drove home in defeat. None of us ever spoke of that conversation ever again.
RS
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Things I've learned this holiday weekend... LB
1. Do buy a Snuggie
2. While at Thanksgiving dinner it is apparently OK to fake an orgasm.
3. Do take the Snuggie with you into the bathroom while puking. It will be your only friend against cold tile floors and porcelain toilets
4. It's OK for 6-8 of your closets friends to crash a wedding (The White House crashers should take lessons. I'm not invited to about 80% of the events I attend!)
5. Do not wear the Snuggie naked. It's like a hospital gown, your back will always be cold.
6. When you watch enough porn, it becomes as natural as watching an episode of Barney (words of wisdom from a well-meaning cousin, also shared at the thanksgiving dinner table)
7. Do wear the Snuggie backwards like a robe and pretend your a character from Harry Potter. British accents required.
8. The cousin/suitor got a promotion AND has been working out since the last time I saw him. (Definitely missed out on that gravy train)
9. Always reverse the Snuggie when letting guests wear it (only applicable if you wear the Snuggie while naked.)
10. Do not take pictures of yourself wearing a beret and aforementioned Snuggie and then email said pics to a friend. Those images will definitely come back to haunt you.
LB
2. While at Thanksgiving dinner it is apparently OK to fake an orgasm.
3. Do take the Snuggie with you into the bathroom while puking. It will be your only friend against cold tile floors and porcelain toilets
4. It's OK for 6-8 of your closets friends to crash a wedding (The White House crashers should take lessons. I'm not invited to about 80% of the events I attend!)
5. Do not wear the Snuggie naked. It's like a hospital gown, your back will always be cold.
6. When you watch enough porn, it becomes as natural as watching an episode of Barney (words of wisdom from a well-meaning cousin, also shared at the thanksgiving dinner table)
7. Do wear the Snuggie backwards like a robe and pretend your a character from Harry Potter. British accents required.
8. The cousin/suitor got a promotion AND has been working out since the last time I saw him. (Definitely missed out on that gravy train)
9. Always reverse the Snuggie when letting guests wear it (only applicable if you wear the Snuggie while naked.)
10. Do not take pictures of yourself wearing a beret and aforementioned Snuggie and then email said pics to a friend. Those images will definitely come back to haunt you.
LB
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