Netflix... LB

For those of you who do not have netflix. Get it immediately... tell them LB sent you and you'll be sure to receive absolutely no discount.

One of the best parts about Netflix is their ability to suggest other films you might like, based on prior movies viewed. I was browsing through their selections of suggested films, one in particular caught my eye.

It's your typical-run-of-the-mill-homoerotic-sci-fi-thriller

Which makes me think about doing my part to make society a better place by creating great gay porn titles.

These titles could be interchangeable with perhaps real life movies/autobiographies.

Teabaggers Tale: The real life autobigoraphie of the Lipton family
Blowing Smoke: Real like story of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
Wearing Pearl Necklaces: The Mikimoto story
Right hand / Left Hand: A love story

LB

Do you have any pictures?... RS

I was lying in bed next to my little girl one night after having just finished telling her another classic story about how Daddy saved the world from tyranny. I think it might have been something along the lines of how Daddy and 300 of his closest friends from the gym united to save the world from some oppressive madman who wore too much jewelry. But I digress…

As I stared down at the only thing on Earth that I’ve ever created that was of any worth at all, I started to think about how much she means to me. And I thought about how much less of a human being I’d without her… And so I saw the opportunity to create a moment that perhaps she would remember forever….

RS: “You know what little girl? When Daddy and Mommy made you we took everything that was good inside of us and put it into you. That’s why you are so wonderful.”

Baby Girl: “What do you mean? You didn’t make me. God made me.”

While this may be true I certainly had something to do with it. And while I will not battle with God for any reason I refuse to not get that credit I deserve for helping make this kid…

RS: “Yes baby, God made you but Daddy and Mommy help to bring you to Earth. And we took all that was good inside of us and…”

Baby Girl: “No you didn’t. How?”

Huh? Fuck! She wants to know how!! It’s too early to tell her how, isn’t it? She’s like seven!!!

RS: “Well, we took that best parts of ourselves and poured them into a glass. Then we gave the glass to God and He did the rest.”

Good one RS. She’s got to go for that one. It sounded so good and came out so pure that for a second I even believed that’s how it went down. But my kid is pretty smart and she was not to be fooled…

Baby Girl: “Nah ahh. I don’t believe you. Do you have any pictures?”

Pictures??? I almost choked on my tongue when she asked about pictures. I could barely contain my laugher as I thought about pictures of her mother and me pouring the best of ourselves into a glass for God. I almost passed out on the floor. Quickly I tried to compose myself.

RS: “No baby girl. Daddy doesn’t have any pictures…”

....but there might be some video tape floating around out there somewhere…

RS

My Chevy Blazer... RS

I’m a big fan of cars. I love them!! I hit car shows all the time. I’m in the dealers on the regular trying checking out the new hotness. That’s my thing I guess.

But up until now I’ve never had a really nice car. I’m very happy with what I drive today although the greedy bastard deep inside of me would always like to have more. But long ago I drove the worst car on planet Earth. It was a beat up old, used 1997, four door Chevy Blazer. It can only be described as red hot steaming garbage. I had to roll down the window to open the door. I only had one windshield wiper that worked. The air conditioner blew hot air in the summer and the heater blew cold air in the winter. My existence was salvaged only by a rather short commute to work.

I used to hate to go shopping or out to nice dinners because I knew I’d be driving the worst car in the parking lot. Rather than valet that hunk of junk I’d sometimes park it down the street and walk. I hated people with nice, new cars. Fuck them…

One day I was going to buy a new pair of shoes on a Saturday morning. I pulled into the parking lot of the local DSW. There were a lot of cars in the lot but waaaaaaaaaaaaay far from the door was parked what looked to be like a brand spanking new H2 Hummer. It was all black and sat up on 24” rims. It was obviously parked that far away from everything because the owner loved it, probably just got it, and didn’t want stupid people getting too close to it. I don’t blame them. Now that I have a nice car I sometimes do the same thing. That H2 was sick… And I was sick… with a lethal combination of anger, envy and rage.

So I quickly formed a diabolical scheme inside of my head to pass along some of my own suffering to the driver of the afformentioned H2. I drove all the way to the far side of the lot and parked my shitty ass Chevy Blazer right next to the brand new H2. But not just next to it. I was practically on top of it. That’s right. There could not have been an inch of space between my passenger door and the driver’s side door of the H2. I was so close to it that the friend I had traveling in my car with me had to crawl over the seat and get out on my side of the car. Then I ran into DSW to set up my looking post.

While my friend looked for shoes I stood at the front of the store pretending to look at the displays while I nonchalantly looking out the window for the owner of the H2 to make their way out to the parking lot. I couldn’t wait. And then it happened.

I watched the clown walk out of the store… across the parking lot… all the way to his car. I saw him actually see my shitty as ride parked all up on his brand new whip. I could feel the anger in swelling in his head. It fueled me. It kept getting better… I had a front row seat to see him proceed to start screaming profanities, jumping up and down and throwing up his hands up in anger and disgust… ALL IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE GIRL!!!!! She could not have been more than five years old!!!!!

Score one for RS!!!!!

My heart was overcome with joy and glee as I watched him enter into his car threw the passenger door, crawl over his seat and drive off in frustration.

I feel good right now just telling this story!!! What’s wrong with me?

-RS

The worst thing I've ever eaten... LB

PS…. This is not an old wives tales or urban folklore… this is the truth….

Many moons ago... I when I was a wee lass. (i.e when cellphones were as long as your forearm and the interweb was not what it is today) My mother was too tired to cook so decided we should go pick up Chinese for dinner.

I got my usual, beef and broccoli and an egg roll. About an hour later, what would be to date the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had hit me like a ton of bricks. I pretty much sublet my parents bathroom for two days. That Sunday, when I could stand or finish a sentence without vomiting. I heard my mother yell for me to come downstairs. She had just read an article about how the very same Chinese food restaurant we had gone to was shut down. WHY? Because they found 40 skinned cats all awaiting their fate, to become various dishes at the restaurant.

I’ll tell you what… It just proves my theory – that brown sauce can make anything taste delicious. (I wonder how it would taste with a little bacon in it)

-LB

Chivarly is not dead!.... LB

It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in DC so me and a male friend decided to take a trip to the zoo. Admission was free and we were broke.  We get to the vulture cages, to find one in particular sizing us up for lunch like we were rotting carcasses. (Maybe it was my new perfume.) Suddenly, It swooped down on us. And I will share with you that vulture with a 10 foot wingspan is no joke. When they come down on you, your life flashes before your eyes. Mine was mainly blank - not sure if that's a problem or not!?! 

The only separating him from us was a thin wire cage that surrounded the bird compound. While it was enough to keep him from pecking our eyes out, it was too much for my male friend who had, in his attempt to run away from the bird, pushed me towards the cage - TO BE EATEN!  He ran to another section of the zoo and promptly called me on my cell to see if I was "ok". Thus proving chivarly is not dead - as he did in fact, call to make sure I had not been eaten alive.  He then informed me as to where he was at, because he was NOT coming back to the bird section of the zoo.

PS. My friend may remember that story differently, as in, not pushing me towards the bird to die. But this is the true story!  By the way I will say in my friends defense . If there was a bullet coming towards me he would in fact stand between me and that bullet... until it became unsafe to continue doing so.

That's true friendship! 

The Water Cooler... RS

I used to work for a company that was so cheap that it refused to provide employees with clean drinking water. What the fuck? What the hell kind of company is this that won’t provide drinking water? Instead, we as individual offices had to rent our own water coolers and then purchase those giant water bottles that look like plastic beer kegs. It wasn’t that big of a deal and rather than drink out of that nasty ass water fountain we just paid the cost of the cooler.

I had worked for my boss for a few years at that point and when I got promoted to a new office and a new position, rather than change water cooler allegiances I just continued to pay him and get my water from his office. It was a good chance to come in and talk sports and man stuff a few times a day. We had a good relationship and getting out of my new office for a few minutes, where I was surrounded by people whose interest were not similar to mine, if only to drink a glass of water was well worth it… until that faithful day…

Parched and practically coughing up dust I grabbed my water bottle and began my trek several doors down the hallway to where my old office had been. I walked in the door and my replacement was sitting at my old desk trying his best to be half the man I am. Nice kid but I digress. My old boss was standing at the water cooler bending down to fill up his mug with his cell phone resting on his shoulder while he spoke on the phone. Because I am innately an evil individual I saw an opportunity that I could not resist unfold before my eyes…

And so it began…

From a dead stop I squared up my shoulders and ran toward him full speed. My replacement, whose desk faced the door, saw me coming. He had that “what the fuck are you doing?” look in his eyes. My old boss who was busy getting water and talking on the phone never saw me coming. As my speed continued to increase I launched myself into the air and executed a perfectly flawless version of the Karate Kid flying jump kick. “Hay Yah!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I came only inches from his head with my size 11 Steve Madden pointed tip dress shoe. His head popped up just in time to see the bottom of that very shoe all up in his grill.

This is where is got bad…

I scared the shit out of him! The high pitch shriek that came from that grown man was similar to that little girl Nute in the movie “Aliens”. Imagine him screaming out “Riiiipleeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs while throwing his hand up in the air like he was a football game doing the wave.

The cell phone went flying across the room and smashed into a wall. Water rained down all over the office like in a torrential down poor. My replacement and I busted out into laugher so hard that I can only try to describe it. I was laughing so hard that as I stumbled back toward the door I could barely stand up straight. I probably looked like I was drunk!

“What the hell’s wrong with you, you son of a bitch?” he screamed at me as he tried to recapture his grown man voice and maintain some level of dignity.

This is where it got worse…

With his best Cy Young impression (the most famous baseball pitcher of all time for those of you who don’t know) that fool drew back his arm. In his hand he held the mug which used to hold the water he was about to try to drink before I came in playing the Black Ninja. He fixed his dagger like eyes on me and then let that shit go…

I only had a fraction of a second to duck my head down in an attempt to save my life. As the mug sailed over my head I could actually feel it graze the base of my skull. I didn’t see it but I heard it crash on the wall behind me. It exploded into micro dust!!!

“Get the fuck out of my office and never come back in here again!!!!!!”

Still laughing despite nearly being killed by a NY Giants mug I stumbled out of there unharmed but still thirsty. The next day I joined the water club in my new office. It was just safer that way. I spent the rest of the week trying to explain to HR and my other office colleagues that I had had not actually Kung Fu’d the shit out of my old boss…

-RS

A Racially Senstive Subject ... LB

At work, I usually spend my time unwittingly signing up my friends for herpes support groups or tracking when the newest sci-fi convention is coming into town.

But I have real work to do this week.  Real work means I'm not able to crap away my day in idle conversation, I actually have to stay at my desk and show tangible work for my time spent on company computers.  My absence prompted my boss and co-worker to come by and visit.  Everyone was curious as why I wasn't around to shoot the breeze.  So I ...(and here's where I messed up)... said "I was working like.... A FIELD SLAVE, to get everything accomplished." 

I had no idea what I'd done would be irrevocably harmful to my future well being in this company.  I believed the smiles and subsequent laughter that followed from them was good.  An affirmation of the fact that I am capable of making people laugh.  But I was wrong and what's worse is what's been happening ever since. 

Now when I walk by, (and this is no lie) I hear my boss making the whip noises.  Every time she drops off a new project, it comes with the "Just crackin' the whip" statement attached.  She made a remark that she was working me too hard like one of PHARAOH's slave drivers...  The remark instantly made me flash back to the beating scene in roots and I'm waiting for her to slip up and refer to me as TOBY. 

I did this to myself people... I opened the floodgates.  Now I have two options...

1. Post this... and quit as my dear friend said to me.  Drop the laptop like the mic in Coming to America and run! 

or... more feasibly.... 

2. Curtail the joking, and appear to be the angry black woman in order to get some peace around here.  So.... let the eye rolling and neck wagging begin! 

(I thought about option 1 - but the cost of replacing that laptop would have come right out of my unemployment checks, can't have that!)

PS.. I just added this because I love the movie so much...

Wake up Call... RS

A while back my beautiful little Angel had the misfortune of breaking her leg at the beginning of her summer vacation. It was a horrible and tragic event for us both but sometimes I swear it was just a little bit worse for me than it was for her…

So one Sunday morning... I was awoken by the pitter patter of one little foot, two crutches and a cast dragging on the carpet, slowly creeping, into my bedroom...

"Daddy I'm not tired any more. I'm too excited..."

I had been hoping to sleep in a little longer that morning but realized that was not to be.... but then... I realized something far worse. It was still dark. And not just dark in my room. I mean it was dark outside. I turned my head toward my night stand to look at the clock and much to my horror... It was only 5:07am... IT’S SUNDAY MORNING DURING THE SUMMER!!!!! Its 5:07 am!!!!!!!!!!

Oh hell no!!!!

So I got up, looked at her and asked in my most pleasant and loving Daddy voice....
"What are you so excited about honey...?"
"You said we were going to Chucky Cheese today and I'm excited so I can’t sleep anymore..."
I thought I was having a nightmare or something.... This couldn’t be happening. I sat up in bed and thought to myself... I should terminate this apparition of my child right now for it could not actually be her this early in the morning. It simply made no sense. She’s a child. Children like to sleep. Therefore this cannot be her. And there is no way in hell she is so excited about Chucky Cheeses that she saw fit to come in to my room at 5:07am and disturb my slumber.

I realized that the termination of the beautiful small being standing before me was not an option. So I picked up my broken little angel, carried her to the living room, put her in front of the TV, turned on her favorite DVD and prayed that perhaps that would be enough for her to allow me to sleep at least a few more hours. Less than two hours later... at 7:00am I was again awoken by a sound. This time it was not the pitter patter of one foot, two crutches and a cast dragging on the carpet but rather the sound of on angelic little voice carrying out in a sweet melody…
"Daddy I'm hungry..."
F-Word!

Ok, got to get up and feed my child... which I then happily did. At that point it became clear to me that I was up for good. No shot at getting any extra shut eye that morning. So I started to do my normal Sunday morning stuff while she was watching TV. I figured Chucky Cheese would be a noon time endeavor so I’ve got five hours to kill before then . I washed dishes, paid bills, folded laundry... and then sat on the couch next to my baby to watch some TV. It was 11am by that point. One hour to go before Chucky Cheese time. And then the worst possible thing that could have happened… happened…

She looked up at me with her little puppy dog eyes, yawned and then had the audacity to say...
"Daddy, I'm sleepy. I'm going to take a nap."
WTF?? WTF x2!! I was about to lose my mind!!!!! She then proceeded to crutch her little behind down the hallway to her room... where she slept…… until…… 4pm!!!!!! I was sitting there all by myself for the next five hours wondering how all of this had happened. Perhaps if I hadn't sinned so much as a youth or lost my temper so many times as an adult this wouldn't be happening to me....

We didn't make it to see Chucky until after 5pm. She was lethargic the whole time….

RS

Unrecognized Phone Numbers... Works Like a Charm... RS

Once upon a time I was interviewing with an IT contractor that generated about $40M/year in top side volume. A mentor of mine that did business with the contractor on occasion connected me with the owner of the contract company with whom I quickly developed a good relationship. I had several interviews and it seemed like the offer was on its way... until this guy just disappeared. Didn't return phone calls... emails... nothing. It was like he was an phantom or something like that.

I suspected he was avoiding my calls so I had a friend call him (yep… LB). He picked up immediately because he didn't recognize the phone number. She hung up on him right away. Later, brief interaction would prove useful as it lead him to call her back several times and leave several voicemails offering his corporate services. Once I realized he was, in fact, alive I called from another number to try to set up a final meeting... He picked up (dick head). He sounded a little shocked when I told him who I was but he pretended to be glad to hear from me. I turned on my best “good future employee” voice and tried to work my magic. He confirmed the time, date and location for our meeting... and then that bastard never showed up... I told my mentor at about it and he told me not to pursue any further b/c the guy was unreliable. What? Then why the hell did you hook me up with this fool in the first place? Anyway, I digress…

Now, I’m nobody special but I don’t deserve to be dicked around by corporate thugs. So of course I had to come up with a sick scheme to make this clown understand that his actions were unacceptable and frustrated me greatly. My memory drifted back to when I had LB call him from a number he didn’t recognize and how he responded by basically stalking her to offer his services. It was at that moment that I formulated my Evil Plan of Doom. And after a few weeks of plotting I put Order 67 into effect. For weeks after our “cancelled” meeting this fool got a nice surprise from me… An ungodly amount of phone calls from random numbers that he most certainly would not have recognized to his office and cell phone numbers. How you ask? It was simple. I have several friends who work in VZW and Sprint stores across the region where he operates. I spoke with all of them and told them of my plight and they were happy to assist me in my time of need. They all began calling this fool everyday from different numbers, setting up fake business development meetings under the guise of real and fake companies. Then they would either not showing or calling an cancelling at the very last minute. We even had a schedule set up as well as restaurant reservation confirmed that he actually made. It was brilliant!

I know what you’re thinking. This would be an annoyance but nothing more than that. Well, yes and no. And the way I see it… it’s a little more no than yes. As the scam continued and his appointments continued to either not show or cancel he began calling them back regularly to try to reschedule these fake meeting and offer services. I guess business is slow for him if he’s chasing fake leads like this. This project went on for about two weeks before my friends simply got tired of the charade and stopped making the calls but by that time I was more than satisfied with the outcome. At the end of the day I got nothing out of it... except for the satisfaction of know that for a least a few days he was scrambling just like me.

Did I mention that my life is a dumpster fire???

-RS

The One That Got Away ... LB

A few years ago, my family began pressing me about why I wasn't married, or at least dating. My cousins lovingly referred to as aunt and uncle informed me that they had the PERFECT man for me. Their exact words were "He had a good job, he was a christian man, funny and lived in my area! He was perfect except for one small very inconsequetial thing. He was my cousin as well. Their nephew to be exact, you can work out the specifics of the family tree in your own head.

So on Christmas day as the family got together to celebrate the birth of Christ, (who's mother never bugged him about meeting a good Jewish girl) who shows up at the door but aforementioned "aunt" and "uncle" AND a plus 1. They brought my cousin/suitor to dinner. The entire night was filled with awkwardness, like when you sneeze and let out a fart at the same time in a group of people. My family, usually a raucous group, were eerily silent as I passed my cousin the greens at the dinner table, as if our hands would touch and we'd look into each other's eyes and do each other!  You know, just start pouring ladels of gravy all over our.... anyways...  I did my best to avoid him the rest of the evening and no, there were no fireworks.

But 4 years later I found myself thinking about him. I wonder, is he the one that got away? As my other cousin stated, I was crazy for letting him go. He was eligible for a pension- and that was good money! He also has a heart warming laugh reminiscent of Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons. But looking past the obvious point that he was a blood relative. What is most important is that I gave up the chance (perhaps my only) to form a committed union. I gave up the chance to keep our blood lines pure, like the English monarchy. And as I get into bed ALONE and COUSIN-LESS, I'll have to live with the pain of knowing I could have had it all.

LB

In a World of Violence... RS

Violence is never THE answer…. But it is always AN answer…. And usually a pretty goddamn good one. At least that is what has worked for me in my experience.

-RS

Realizations... LB

I have epiphanies all the time... thought I'd share a few with you!

Sometimes in life… your friends and family aren’t wrong. Your significant other really isn’t worth the $20 they borrowed from you.

Money can buy you happenis!

Saying your Bisexual is like saying you love tofu. We both know it's a lie, but I'll let you believe it if it makes you feel not gay.

Sometimes saying you have genital herpes can actually save your rep!

Is it me or does Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta use her kids as an excuse to do cruddy stuff. "Yea I'll stay with Big Poppa, and ruin his marriage to feed my kids. Yea, I'll eat/skin puppies alive and sell cute toddlers into white slavery if it means my babies stay drenched in Gucci... WTF Kim!"

I also realized today, my life is kinda like the Neiman Marcus cupcake car. At first glance it's gaudy and ridiculous but when you get a chance to really see it for what it's worth you realize all the work that went into it really culminated to a waste of valuable resources as well.

-LB

Out of Which Eye???... RS

I used to work for this clown a while back that only had one eye.  If you are a regular follower of this blog you know that I hated him and that he was actually Satan incarnate.  He was known to me and a few others affectionately as the Cyclopes.  It’s unlikely that anyone will attend his funeral if and when that day should come but that isn’t for me to say. 

One day, that fool joyfully walked into my office and smiled at me.  I knew at that very moment that something had to be wrong.

“RS, I feel like business is about to turn around for us.  I can see success in our futures.”

I couldn’t resist…

“Oh, really?  And out of which eye did you see this success? 

Silence…  Then an evil one eyed glare…  Then he walked away… 

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I made it at that evil layer of doom as long as I did…

Typical Marketing Meeting... LB&RS

These are the minutes from and actual marketing meeting for Deux Losers.  It is also a glimpse into the genius behind some of our upcoming "marketing campaigns"

RS: I got an idea to boost traffic to the blog
LB: Lay it on me
RS: We need a sex tape. Scandal sells!
LB: It's genius... Go ahead and get started... I'm right behind you
RS: No, I need to be behind you!  Our corporate sponsors prefer if we're both looking at the camera
LB: Fine! Let me grab my Snuggie, some baby oil and a prince mix tape. Oh and I like topless men, so oil up.
RS: We should start by posting a few sexy pictures of ourselves on the blog. I happen to have a few of myself.
LB: WTF? Why the do you have those handy?
RS: Ahhhhh… you never know when you might… well… never mind.
LB: I don't do sexy photos... I thought you knew that already. But once I figure out how to air brush chest hair from a photo it's ON!
RS: You have chest hair? I thought only old women in baptist churches grew chest hair. Oh well. I can work with that but do you mind waxing your upper lip. That shit could drive traffic away.
LB: Yeah, good point. I can do that.
RS: Great. Let’s do this shit!
LB: Can you also make sure there are exactly 6 double stuff Oreos there.
RS: Whatever you need. I will also need a jump rope and a pair of The Perfect Push ups.
LB: Now we just need a D-list tv personality to include so we can leak it to TMZ! What's Ms. Cleo been doing with her life?

And that people is how stars are made...

LB&RS

The Cyclopes and the Can of Fruit Cocktail... RS

I may have mentioned that I used to work for a Cyclopes and that I hated him… yada yada yada…

Well, on day I walked in on that fool stabbing the shit out of a can of fruit cocktail with a pair of scissors. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen and I stopped short of walking all the way in because I was not sure that what I was seeing was actually taking place (that and the fact that I was concerned for my safety). After taking a few minutes to really get an understanding of my surroundings and the situation at hand, I panned the room with my eyes to try and understand why the fuck he would be abusing his lunch. It simply made no sense. Had it done something to him. Was this some crazy Cycloptic ritual that I had to read about in the Odyssey? Then, next to the fruit cocktail on the desk I noticed the broken can opener which I will assume he broke while he was trying to open the can. I can only assume that because there is always the off chance that this idiot broke the can opener with the scissors as part of the Cycloptic. Again, I cannot be sure.

I stood there for about 30 seconds waiting for him to finish while holding in my laugher and trying to understand exactly what I was witnessing... The time continued to pass as I stood there unnoticed as he continued to kill that poor can. Obviously since he only has one eye he didn’t see me standing at the door (too bad he saw that damn cab though…). Sorry, I digress.

After a few moments I finally couldn't take it anymore and I asked him (while laughing profusely...) "What the fuck are you doing...?"

He nearly jumped out of his seat when I made my comment. Embarrassed and angry he responded... "What the fuck does it look like? I'm trying to eat my lunch. Get out of my office! Go away!"

Clearly this dude has issues.... I mean he was stabbing this shit out of this thing like in the movie Psycho. After witnessing the horrid event from hell... I quickly ran back to my side of the office and told everyone that I could find and would listen about what I had just witnessed...

I feel better about my position in life now. Perhaps it is not nearly the dumpster fire that I thought it was…

-RS

The Perfect Man - Part Deux! LB

After some additional soul searching, I've come up with a few additions to the perfect man list.

Must love bubble wrap
Must be 3 inches taller than me in my highest heel
Must have a love of fashion (Metrosexuals are strongly encouraged to apply)
Vespas and British accents are a PLUS!

I decided to put my list to the test... so I went to an "popular dating website"  After a lengthy Q&A session they showed me two matches based on my levels of emotional needs and wants. 

I did not expect these results... (click the read more link to see)

Driver's License.... LB

I went to the DMV to transfer my license this week. After a jovial conversation, with the DMV attendant, the man asks me to verify my information and subsequently takes my pic. I get to the front to retrieve my new card. The attendant, as he had done with the previous people in line, takes a look at me, takes another look at the card to verify he's giving it to the correct person. Then very politely says, here's your license SIR, have a nice day!

LB

"You Can't Catch Me"... RS

Did you have a favorite game when you were I child?  I’m sure I did but I can’t remember what it was.  But I can tell you what my child’s favorite game was when she was little.  My baby used to love the play the game “You can’t catch me!”  Yeah, you know what game I’m talking about.  The game where a little kids runs into the room screaming “You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!”  You know what tune I’m talking about.  Most of that time it’s either started with or followed up by a “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo” and a silly face or something cute like that.  We’ve all sung it and we’ve all had it sung to us. Stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, kids love that game for whatever reason.  My little nephew is at that age where he likes to play.  He feels as if he is a master at it.  We’ve all seen this skit unfold time and time again.  They run into the room, sing that catchy little jingle.  “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo, You can’t catch me.”  Maybe they stick out their tongues and stick their thumbs in their ears while waving their hands back and forth in an attempt to get you to chase them.  And then you get up from you nice cozy seat and scream out  “Oh yes I can” and run after that chasing them all through the house and having a wonderful time.

Small children’s fascination with this game always amazed me because it speaks to the magical/innocent mindset of the child.  But I have a question for all of those little children out there with their hands in their ears and their tongue sticking out…

WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I CANT CATCH YOU?  I mean for real though…?  I’m a 29 year old grown ass man.  I spend time in the gym running and lifting weights.  I’ve been in more fist fights than you’ve lived in months.  I’ve played sports at the highest of levels.  I’ve trained for years!  I’ve got keen vision and cat like reflexes.  You have no chance of getting away from me.  I fucking hate this game on a level that I can’t describe.  The sheer audacity of some ignorant five year old trying to tell me that I can’t snatch their little ass up off the ground faster than they can get those thumbs out of their goddamn ears and pull in that tongue is insulting.  Look at me and look at you.  You’re not even physically developed yet.  Come on man!  And I refuse to pretend like I don’t have the speed and agility to pounce on you like a cheetah on a gazelle.  I simply won’t do it.   I don’t care how cute and cuddly you are and I don’t care whose child you are.  You come at me with some “You can’t catch me”, I promise you, you’re little ass is getting delt with!

Let’s break down the physicality of this mismatch real fast.  You’re five. I’m almost thirty.  Your legs are 18 inches long max.  My legs are over three feet long.  Do that math fool!  That means I’ve only got to take one step to your two just to keep up with you let alone gain any ground on you.  And look at the size of my hands.  You think that when I wrap that shit around your miniscule little arm you’re going to be able to pull away from me?  Like hell.  I guarantee that I have more strength and musculature in one of my arms than you have in your whole damn body.  Once I’ve even got a piece of you it’s a done deal.  And you only weigh like 40lbs. I weigh 175lbs.  I’m like a locomotive once I get going.  I’ll snatch you up in the air in one motion while you’re still singing that stupid fuckin song from hell!

But just for the sake of argument let’s pretend that I would opt not to use my physically dominating stature as an advantage over you (not that I would ever allow you that kind of mercy).  Where the fuck are you going to go that I can’t go?  I mean seriously.  You only have but so many place at your disposal.  You can’t even leave the house without permission.  At best you might be able to go out into the yard but if is after dark you don’t even have that.  Where are you going to hide?  The bathroom?  I can get in there.  The basement?  Yeah, nice try.  I can walk down steps too.  You gonna hide in some kitchen cabinets?  Yeah, I’m tall and I can open those and snatch you ass out of there too.  How about you hide under the bed. Yeah kid, I’ve got long arms.  I’ll reach under there and drag you right out from underneath that mother fucker with minimal effort.  That’s for damn sure!

And the shit is only gonna get worse for you kid.  Because after I catch you and it’s your turn to try to catch me, guess what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna get in my mother fuckin car and drive the fuck off.  That’s right. Because I’m a grown ass man and there are places that I can go that you actually can’t catch me because your little ass isn’t allowed up in there.  You can’t leave the front yard!  But guess what.  I can!  And I’ve got a luxury SUV that will take me as far away as my heart desires.  So while you’re standing in the front yard trying to “catch me”, I’ll be at the strip club with my boys making it rain!

-RS

Perfect Man... LB

Every day, dozens of men (mostly prisoners and non-American citizens) write to try to find a way into my heart. Well the list of what makes a perfect man for is long, and ever-changing, so over the next few weeks/years/decades of my singleness we can discuss the many facets of what makes a "soulmate"
Here a just a few to begin with...

-Must be able to speak fluent Klingon and be well versed in Klingon mating rituals
-Must be a citizen of the United States with no proven ties to terrorism
-Must know CPR - as I often choke on grapes and small removable parts of toys
-Circumcised
-Vegetarians/Vegans/non-pork-eating-men need not apply
Once again folks... As I am like an onion with many many layers. So is the man of my dreams. Stay tuned as we peel through the layers to discover the true description of my soulmate!

Sex in the Shower... LB

I was forever scarred by the idea of sex in the shower one fateful Saturday afternoon in 1995. 

It all started as I was standing outside the bathroom in our old home waiting for the my mother to finish showering.  After a few knocks, the door unlocks and I distinctly remember how the steam seemed to race out the door and scatter down the hallway.  Out comes my father.... wrapped in a towel.  Next comes my mother also wrapped in a towel.  She waits until my father is far enough down the hall, then leans over to whisper in my ear.  "LB, enjoy sex in the shower while you are young.  Because when you're old, you're more concerned with who's hogging all the hot water!"

To this day, I still swallow a little vomit when I retell the story. 

LB

Roller Wrap... LB

I have an odd view on dating, completely and utterly reinforced by the fact that I fall in love with freaks of nature and/or they fall madly in love with me.  Rarely is the feeling mutual. 

One particular case happened to be when I met the bouncer/beautician/barber/electrician/RAGING CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL.

For 100 points in the bonus round please choose one of the following.

Please identify which date behavior is unacceptable:

A. Suggesting that you and a date go to a steak house and phonetically pronouncing Sal-mon and As- par-a-gus because you do not know what either is
B. Complementing your date on her make-up and following up by asking for a detailed list of her preferred cosmetic brand names and application techniques
C. Pointing out your date needs a touch-up and offering to give her said touch-up AND a complimentary roller wrap
D. During first date, declaring your desire to start a large family ... soon?!?!?!?! 
E. Ambushing date with a kiss on the lips when said date watched you cough, sneeze and blow your nose all day
F. All of the above

I don't even have to tell you what the answer is.

LB

Chicken Breast and the Nissan 350z... RS

I know you’re going to feel me on this one.  I know sometimes you just want to be left the hell alone right???  I know you do.  I’m no different.  Ok, hear goes…

I eat the same thing for lunch almost everyday.  Chicken Breast!  Why?  Because I’m a creature of habit and because chicken is cheap and easy!  And while I’m eating my chicken I like to sit at my desk and be left alone.  It’s the only time in the awful nine hours a day I spend at my job that I actually feel like a human being.  But for some reason, one of my office mates was determined to stop this from happening.  At least three times a week while I would be eating my lunch this fool would come over to my desk and say something stupid like “Chicken breast again?” 

Fuck!  This shit again?  Trying to be nice (which is usually not in my nature) I would simply nod my head in acknowledgement and say something like “yes, chicken breast again” or “yeah, chicken the breakfast of champions.”  But after three weeks of this nonsense I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was sitting at my desk one day and sure enough, here he came stomping through the office looking like a cabbage patch kid from hell.  “Hey RS, chicken breast again?”

I took off my glasses, off tossed them on my desk, slide my chair back, looked him in his eyes and asked him “Are we gonna do this every day man?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, are we gonna go though this whole ‘Are you eating the same thing for lunch again today’ charade every day of the week?  I’m just asking because I want to be mentally prepared for this if this is going to go on everyday.”

He was clearly confused by this turn of events.  “Wow man, you get up on the wrong side of the bed?”

I let that comment go and just went back to eating my food and ignored him as he walked away stupidly…

But of course… that could not be the end of it now could it…

Three hours later this fool came back to my office seemingly trying to smooth shit over with a truce of some kind.  He decided to try to tap into my love of cars which we had talked about before.  He had just bought a new one and wanted to show it to me.   I had already seen it in the parking lot and I will admit to you that it was serious!  It was a nasty Nissan 350z coup in metallic blue.  More often that not I would have been happy to run to the parking lot to check out the whip but today… again… I was simply not in the mood.

“Hey RS, you wanna come check out my car?  I just got this week.  It’s hot man!”

In less than a second I had already formulated the most evil of plans in my head.  I could see it unfolding in a manner that pleased me greatly as he stood before me smiling and excited about his new purchase and the prospect of showing it to me  “Hell yeah I wanna see your car man!  I saw it in the parking lot this morning.  That shit is hot!  Let’s go.  Go ahead, just let me grab my suit jacket.”

The super excited Cabbage Patch Kid from Hell ran out of my office towards the parking like he was a child running toward the tree on Christmas morning as I got up to grab my suit jacket.  Then I sat right back down at my desk and continued to work with zero intentions of getting up, going to the parking lot and looking at shit.  But I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t waiting for him to come back.  Yep, I would just be lying because I had a little something for his ass. 

About 15 minutes later he sheepishly walked back to my office and stuck his head in.  Hey RS, did you make it out side?  I didn’t see you out there.”

I took my glasses off, tossed them on my desk, slid my chair back, looked him in his eyes and spoke loud enough for all of the surrounding cubicles to hear.  “You’re right you idiot.  You didn’t see me out there because I wasn’t out there.  And that’s because I was never coming out there.  And I was never coming out there because I don’t give a fuck about your new car.  Not even a little bit.”  I paused for a moment to watch his facial expression change from confusion to disappointment, to embarrassment to shame and finally a hit off anger before I continued.  “Just like you shouldn’t give a fuck about what I eat for lunch.  We clear?”

He looked at my stupidly and shook his head at me in disgust.  That moment was a small moment of victory in what is essential a life of failure.   I have very few of them.

-RS

Meeting New People... LB

I've been desperately seeking ways to broaden my social circle.  I said, "Carpe Diem LB, you don't meet people by staying home watching old episodes of Battlestar Galatica!"  So I decided to go where the people are. My journey took me many places.

-Candle making class
-Star Trek fan club
-Nascar
-Hanging out near the entrances of William-Sonoma
-Posing as a confused patron in the cold and flu section of the grocery store.  (still fighting H1N1 8 weeks later)
-Becoming fans of shadow puppets and carbs on Facebook
-Reopening my Myspace account - didn't realize there were so many aspiring musician in the world. 
-Joining the flower club at my church

To date, all attempts have failed  :(

Motivation.... RS

When I lact movitavation at the gym, I walk down the row of treadmills and look for the girl with that phattest/most shaply booty and the smallest waist that I can find.  Then I get on the treadmill behind her and act like I'm chasing her.  Works every time.  This is the secrect to my athlectic build.  Again, I'm not sure what that says about me exactly other than that fact that I really love women!

-RS

I Used to Work for Keyser Soze... RS

I may have mentioned that I used to work for a Cyclopes… Well, at one time I actually did.  And I hated him!   At any rate, I was in my office discussing something with a that fool one morning. We were talking for about five minutes on an issues that we mostly agree on but only slightly disagree on how to come to the same end result. I was of the mindset that this fool was simply arguing with me for the sake of arguing but this was the norm. He was an argumentative Assholes by nature. However, in anticipation of such an event I had spent time the day before preparing myself for battle. I had done some extensive research the day before to prove my position and had printed it out and put in it a file waiting for the moment when this fool would walk into my office and start running his mouth. Like clockwork… his dumbass showed up right on time. And so the agreement began.


I let him go off on his foolish tangent to start. For the most part I said nothing. I could see in his eyes that he thought he had me on the run. Delusions of grandeur probably lead him to believe he was dominating like Shaq in the paint circa 2001. No the case though. I just played that shit cool and waited for balloon boy to run out of hot air. When he finally did I stated my case quickly and concisely. Then my time had come. I turned around while I was still talking to him to grab the file from my file cabinet. I smiled at the document that would almost certainly throw him into a fit of rage and force him to admit I was in fact correct. In my hand I held another moment of triumph... but when I turned back around (still talking to his dumbass) to show it to him my work... like Keyser Soze... he was gone.... No trace of him. None. Like Hoffa.... No evidence that he was ever there. Not in the hallway or anything. I even checked under my desk to see if he was hiding. This mother fucker just vanished into thin air like he was in the Matrix or some shit like that.

My jaw dropped to the floor. My only explanation was that when the moment came that he realized he was about to crash and burn he ran for safety… out of fear!! But was that true? Had he ever even been there at all? Had I just imagined the whole thing? I turned back around and put the file back in the cabinet... sat back down at my desk, shook my head and continued on about my business... unsure if the conversation had ever even taken place...

-RS

LB's driving essentials

If you've ever driven with me... you will know that every word of this is to true.  But for those you who have not had the pleasure of sharing a long drive home with me, below are my sacred beliefs to common driving situations.

1. When driving behind another car.
LB-ism: "Do not stop or slow down until you see the whites of their eyes"

2. Speeding
LB-ism: "If you're doing less than 70 (school zones are not exempt) you might as well be in park.  Go (at least) 70 or go home"

3. Stop Sign/Red Lights
LB-ism: "Do not try and bend the spoon.  That's impossible.  Instead... only realize the truth... There is no spoon!"

4. Double Parkers/Pedestrians who hold conversations on the drivers side of the car.
LB-ism: "They hate their lives and are too incompetent to orchestrate a police-assisted-suicide yet are really looking for someone to put them out of their misery"

5. Spacing between cars/following too closely
LB-ism: "The space between you and the next car should equal the distance of a hug between close friends."

6. Turns
LB-ism:  (I actually picked this up from my grandmother)  "You DO NOT need to slow down to take a turn,sharp curve or exit."

7.  Sudden Stops
LB-ism: "I wouldn't have to do that as often if people knew what they doing."

8. Seatbelts
LB-ism: "I didn't read where it said... and God made seatbelts.  Blunt Force....that's what rib cages were made for, you pansies!"   

9. Car Cleanliness
LB-ism: "My car is dirty - all the time!  I use it as a deterrent to giving out free rides or lending my car to "family" or "friends"

An Ode to Semenya - LB

Background:  For those of you who live under a pink rock and don't know the person featured below, here's the skinny.  The woman below was in the center of a great deal of controversy, concerning her gender.  How they could question her quintessential WOMANOCITY is unthinkable.  So I decided to write this ode to tell her to keep her head up.   

An Ode to Semenya

I write this just to let you know

that even though the hair may grow in our ears

I hear your cry

The chromosomes may say "XX"

but we ask "Y"

Moving through life with firm handshakes

and open minds

We give our hearts one last shake

to make sure we've given every drop

Runner...

I hear your footsteps

In the distance the shoe (women's - size 13) gently taps the ground

Like the flutter of a delicate hummingbird wing

The wind flows down our backs,

backs soft with hair, yet strong as a nation

Let us not hide behind our goatees

but celebrate our great personalities

For we are all one gender - HUMAN!

Does our blood not bleed red?

Do not let the deepness of our voice...

Drown the highness of our calling

We are all brothers of the same sisterhood

So hold your head high

Even though the hair may grow in our ears,

I. Hear. Your. Cry.

Technology... RS

Sometimes I put my bluetooth headset on and walk around talking to myself.  Not sure what that says about me.

-RS

My stock is up... LB

When the pundits on television refer to the "downturn",  I personally believe they are referring not to the economy - but my love life. 

Although recently, signs indicate my stock is definitely on the rise!
(Stock = my ability to be recognized by the opposite sex as attractive.)

While out on an errand, a homeless man offered to take me to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner.  On the real, that man probably had more cash in his 7-11 big gulp then I have in my checking and savings combined.  I kept thinking who am I to judge, this man has managed to stay more recession free than me!  I almost said yes, ALMOST!

LB

The Cab of Liberation... RS

I was working in NYC for a few days for my job a while back. Usually I like NYC but with the company I was working for at that time it is hardly ever any fun at all. My boss and I had been fighting with each all week and I finally reached the point where I just gave up on whatever issue we were arguing about. He was just an argumentative asshole and always has his comments and dickheadedness. I really fuckin hated that fool with every ounce of my soul… and I mean every fuckin ounce!!!! I called this fool the Cyclops because his dumbass only had one eye. For some reason that was funny to me… if not to others.


So on about day three of the trip I was walking with my team to an appointment after having gotten into it with dumbass again during the previous appointment. I was about 10 feet behind that asshole and one of my counterparts.  They were walking and talking about something and seemed to be loving life.  Meanwhile, I walked behind them pissed off and wishing that something in my life would change. If only I had known what was coming. As they crossed the street he wasn't paying attention… and so it began…

I could see a cab bearing down on him at full speed as they crossed the street. What made it better was the fact that the cab was coming on that mother fuckers blind side!!! HELL YEAH!!!! This shit is about to be over!!!! He’s done for. No way he’s gonna see it in time and there is no way I’m gonna warn his ass that he’s about to get rocked! As the cab bore down on him with me following a good 10-15 ft behind I could actually see his impending death over and over again in my head. I started to get excited like a kid on Christmas. It was like watching a championship basketball game with the score tied in the final seconds of regulation. Imagine Jordan dribbling down the court and taking the last shot with time running out. You know what I’m talking about. The whole arena goes silent as we watch the ball fly towards the basket and wait with the dreaded anticipation of the end result. Life moves in slow motion during these magical moments. Such was my vision of that fool as I waited for his bitch/blind ass to get run down by the Cab of Doom. Or rather, the Cab of Liberation!!! The excitement in my heart bubbled over and I started to cheer as if Jordan's shot had already gone into the basket. I was jumping up and down on 5th Ave as if he had already been crushed. As if the Superbowl was over and my team had won….

But I had underestimated his powers. Remember, this dude is blind in one eye (hence the appropriate name Cyclopes)… which I now know gives him supersonic hearing in the ear on the same side. Which means that at the last moment that mother fucker heard the cab coming, turned his head, and then actually saw it coming.

With less than ten feet to go before my liberation that son of a bitch was able to jump out of the way of the cab. Papers and briefs were thrown in to the air as that fool dove out of the way of the cab managing to avoid death and even injury! Injury!  This mother fucker didn't even get hurt!!!

My feet were already in the air as I jumping for joy as if that clown was already a pancake. But as he escaped certain doom my emotions over flowed. “FUCK!!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as my feet returned to the pavement. I quickly feel to my knees and began to pound 5th Ave with my fist in anger and disappointment.

I thought my suffering was about to come to an but I was wrong. He was just fine. A little embarrassed but not even a scratch on him. I picked myself up off the pavement still 15 feet behind him and tried to regain my composure. Then the shame hit me. I was pissed because my asshole boss… HAD NOT BEEN HIT BY A SPEEDING CAB IN NEW YOKR CITY…. What the hell is wrong with me??? Who does that??

I walked to my next appointment a defeated man. Later that night I cried in my hotel room… not because I was ashamed of my actions but because that mother fucker was still alive….

-RS

Decryption Key to Life... LB

I don't have much of a life.  But when asked by strangers about my plans for the weekend. I usually give one of the following answers.  It's all lies, but easily decipherable. 
See decryption key below.

Headed to the bar = going to the gym
Shopping = Returning items I couldn't afford in the first place
Grabbing a quick bite = binge eating in my car
Squeezing in a quick workout = binge eating my car and purging in the parking lot
Hanging out with some friends = texting old friends to see if they still remember me... if they don't pose as a solicitor for past due bills. 
Nothing much = praying for sweet death to finally take me
Hanging out = praying harder for sweet death to take me
At work = Sleeping (I get my best rest there!)

Ex. 
Stranger: "So LB, what are your plans for the weekend"
LB: Probably just hang out with some old friends, then squeeze in a quick workout then after that nothing much. 

LB

Office Dancing... RS

Today, a white girl in my office tried to show her boss (a white man) how to do the Stanky Leg.  I walked away in tears....  However, that was not the worst part.  I quickly realized that she was in fact... doing the stanky leg far better than I can.  In fact, she was nasty with it.  After I got back to my desk I cried.  My life is a Dumpster Fire!

RS

Lamaze... LB & RS

LB:  I'm supposed to go to Lamaze class with my friend.  I don't know if I can do this... but she's counting on me. 

RS:  The thought of you touching another woman in her time of need... Breathtaking!!  Try to get it on film... ahhh... from the waste up....  Please..

This Morning at the Gym… RS

I workout this morning like I often do before work. I go in order to work the anger and frustration out of myself before I go into my office and have to wreck shop on someone for looking at my crazy. You know how it is. This morning was no different for the most part. Ran… lifted weights… got ready to take a shower. This is when things started to go south. As I was getting in the shower, I dropped my towel on the floor and half of it got wet. Shit!!! But ok, a lot worse things have happened to me in my life so I just said fuck it…



I took my shower and got out. I was watching Sports Center on the flat screen in the locker room and everything was cool… until a naked dude came up to me soaking wet talking about some “Hey man, I think you took my towel.” I looked down an realized that the towel that I had brought this morning was no longer white… but was now grey… and was not nearly as wet as it should have been after I dropped it on the floor. Fuck!!! Sure enough, I took this fools towel and mine was hanging on the rack by my shower.



Upon initial inspection I was 100% sure that if I needed to I could kick the shit out of this dude if it came to that. But the fact of the matter is, I was wrapped in his towel and he was naked and wet. That means that a fight was out of the question. Fuck!



At that point… all I could do was swallow my pride, walk over to the showers and hand him my towel which despite not having been used… was half wet. I handed it to him and dared him to say shit. He gave me the “fuck you” eye and walked back to his locker. I hope I never see him again!



RS

The One... LB

I was in the drive through at McDonalds yesterday.  As I drove to the window to pick up my food, I felt an instant connection to the man handing me my "salad"
He was tall, gorgeous, Hispanic, with real prison tats and so well mannered.  The way he said "Would you like Ketchup with that?" I knew he wanted me.  In an instant, I wanted to jump on him and start humping his leg.  But alas, I'll just wait till my next "salad" and hope we have the chance to meet again.  This is what love feels like.  I know it. 

LB

Healthy Living... LB

I have decided to take a more VEGETARIAN* approach to my cooking. 
*My dishes may contain peanut products, shellfish, BACON and or any pork related byproducts.
LB

Mother-Lover... LB

Yesterday, as my mother and I were shopping a sales woman, mistook my mother and I (not for sisters) but for similiar looking lesbians.   She then gave me this, "I am totally accepting of your lifestyle" look, as she rang up my purchase.

It's a sad day when you look old enough to bang your own mom.
LB

Ways to be more "Green"?... RS & LB

RS: I just went to lunch at this Vietnamese spot we go to about twice a month... and when I went to pay for my food... I saw a little old lady laying on the floor and asleep behind the counter... It was very weird...

  Clearly they were ok with her being there b/c the staff kept stepping over her as if she wasn't laying on the floor asleep.

LB: They should have pushed her near a door, to keep the draft out.

Can Jesus really save me??... RS

I usually wear a cross around my neck to work.  However most of the time you can only see it on Friday b/c I'm dressed casually....  It is big but no gaudy or anything like that.  Pretty classy I think.  One of the guys I work with (60 year old backwoods redneck that I really like a lot) walked up to me shook my hand and said... "not even all that Jesus hanging around your neck can help someone like you son..."  Then he walked away.  I almost fell over laughing.  But... maybe he was right...

RS

3 - 5 Days... LB

While purchasing tampons at a local drug store the male sales clerk at the cash registered remarked
"So I guess I should wait 3-5 days to ask for your number"

-LB

30... LB

My mother said I would be pretty... when I turned 30!  I'm 27.

-LB