The Water Cooler... RS

I used to work for a company that was so cheap that it refused to provide employees with clean drinking water. What the fuck? What the hell kind of company is this that won’t provide drinking water? Instead, we as individual offices had to rent our own water coolers and then purchase those giant water bottles that look like plastic beer kegs. It wasn’t that big of a deal and rather than drink out of that nasty ass water fountain we just paid the cost of the cooler.

I had worked for my boss for a few years at that point and when I got promoted to a new office and a new position, rather than change water cooler allegiances I just continued to pay him and get my water from his office. It was a good chance to come in and talk sports and man stuff a few times a day. We had a good relationship and getting out of my new office for a few minutes, where I was surrounded by people whose interest were not similar to mine, if only to drink a glass of water was well worth it… until that faithful day…

Parched and practically coughing up dust I grabbed my water bottle and began my trek several doors down the hallway to where my old office had been. I walked in the door and my replacement was sitting at my old desk trying his best to be half the man I am. Nice kid but I digress. My old boss was standing at the water cooler bending down to fill up his mug with his cell phone resting on his shoulder while he spoke on the phone. Because I am innately an evil individual I saw an opportunity that I could not resist unfold before my eyes…

And so it began…

From a dead stop I squared up my shoulders and ran toward him full speed. My replacement, whose desk faced the door, saw me coming. He had that “what the fuck are you doing?” look in his eyes. My old boss who was busy getting water and talking on the phone never saw me coming. As my speed continued to increase I launched myself into the air and executed a perfectly flawless version of the Karate Kid flying jump kick. “Hay Yah!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I came only inches from his head with my size 11 Steve Madden pointed tip dress shoe. His head popped up just in time to see the bottom of that very shoe all up in his grill.

This is where is got bad…

I scared the shit out of him! The high pitch shriek that came from that grown man was similar to that little girl Nute in the movie “Aliens”. Imagine him screaming out “Riiiipleeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs while throwing his hand up in the air like he was a football game doing the wave.

The cell phone went flying across the room and smashed into a wall. Water rained down all over the office like in a torrential down poor. My replacement and I busted out into laugher so hard that I can only try to describe it. I was laughing so hard that as I stumbled back toward the door I could barely stand up straight. I probably looked like I was drunk!

“What the hell’s wrong with you, you son of a bitch?” he screamed at me as he tried to recapture his grown man voice and maintain some level of dignity.

This is where it got worse…

With his best Cy Young impression (the most famous baseball pitcher of all time for those of you who don’t know) that fool drew back his arm. In his hand he held the mug which used to hold the water he was about to try to drink before I came in playing the Black Ninja. He fixed his dagger like eyes on me and then let that shit go…

I only had a fraction of a second to duck my head down in an attempt to save my life. As the mug sailed over my head I could actually feel it graze the base of my skull. I didn’t see it but I heard it crash on the wall behind me. It exploded into micro dust!!!

“Get the fuck out of my office and never come back in here again!!!!!!”

Still laughing despite nearly being killed by a NY Giants mug I stumbled out of there unharmed but still thirsty. The next day I joined the water club in my new office. It was just safer that way. I spent the rest of the week trying to explain to HR and my other office colleagues that I had had not actually Kung Fu’d the shit out of my old boss…

-RS