"You Can't Catch Me"... RS

Did you have a favorite game when you were I child?  I’m sure I did but I can’t remember what it was.  But I can tell you what my child’s favorite game was when she was little.  My baby used to love the play the game “You can’t catch me!”  Yeah, you know what game I’m talking about.  The game where a little kids runs into the room screaming “You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!”  You know what tune I’m talking about.  Most of that time it’s either started with or followed up by a “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo” and a silly face or something cute like that.  We’ve all sung it and we’ve all had it sung to us. Stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, kids love that game for whatever reason.  My little nephew is at that age where he likes to play.  He feels as if he is a master at it.  We’ve all seen this skit unfold time and time again.  They run into the room, sing that catchy little jingle.  “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo, You can’t catch me.”  Maybe they stick out their tongues and stick their thumbs in their ears while waving their hands back and forth in an attempt to get you to chase them.  And then you get up from you nice cozy seat and scream out  “Oh yes I can” and run after that chasing them all through the house and having a wonderful time.

Small children’s fascination with this game always amazed me because it speaks to the magical/innocent mindset of the child.  But I have a question for all of those little children out there with their hands in their ears and their tongue sticking out…

WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I CANT CATCH YOU?  I mean for real though…?  I’m a 29 year old grown ass man.  I spend time in the gym running and lifting weights.  I’ve been in more fist fights than you’ve lived in months.  I’ve played sports at the highest of levels.  I’ve trained for years!  I’ve got keen vision and cat like reflexes.  You have no chance of getting away from me.  I fucking hate this game on a level that I can’t describe.  The sheer audacity of some ignorant five year old trying to tell me that I can’t snatch their little ass up off the ground faster than they can get those thumbs out of their goddamn ears and pull in that tongue is insulting.  Look at me and look at you.  You’re not even physically developed yet.  Come on man!  And I refuse to pretend like I don’t have the speed and agility to pounce on you like a cheetah on a gazelle.  I simply won’t do it.   I don’t care how cute and cuddly you are and I don’t care whose child you are.  You come at me with some “You can’t catch me”, I promise you, you’re little ass is getting delt with!

Let’s break down the physicality of this mismatch real fast.  You’re five. I’m almost thirty.  Your legs are 18 inches long max.  My legs are over three feet long.  Do that math fool!  That means I’ve only got to take one step to your two just to keep up with you let alone gain any ground on you.  And look at the size of my hands.  You think that when I wrap that shit around your miniscule little arm you’re going to be able to pull away from me?  Like hell.  I guarantee that I have more strength and musculature in one of my arms than you have in your whole damn body.  Once I’ve even got a piece of you it’s a done deal.  And you only weigh like 40lbs. I weigh 175lbs.  I’m like a locomotive once I get going.  I’ll snatch you up in the air in one motion while you’re still singing that stupid fuckin song from hell!

But just for the sake of argument let’s pretend that I would opt not to use my physically dominating stature as an advantage over you (not that I would ever allow you that kind of mercy).  Where the fuck are you going to go that I can’t go?  I mean seriously.  You only have but so many place at your disposal.  You can’t even leave the house without permission.  At best you might be able to go out into the yard but if is after dark you don’t even have that.  Where are you going to hide?  The bathroom?  I can get in there.  The basement?  Yeah, nice try.  I can walk down steps too.  You gonna hide in some kitchen cabinets?  Yeah, I’m tall and I can open those and snatch you ass out of there too.  How about you hide under the bed. Yeah kid, I’ve got long arms.  I’ll reach under there and drag you right out from underneath that mother fucker with minimal effort.  That’s for damn sure!

And the shit is only gonna get worse for you kid.  Because after I catch you and it’s your turn to try to catch me, guess what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna get in my mother fuckin car and drive the fuck off.  That’s right. Because I’m a grown ass man and there are places that I can go that you actually can’t catch me because your little ass isn’t allowed up in there.  You can’t leave the front yard!  But guess what.  I can!  And I’ve got a luxury SUV that will take me as far away as my heart desires.  So while you’re standing in the front yard trying to “catch me”, I’ll be at the strip club with my boys making it rain!

-RS