My Chevy Blazer... RS

I’m a big fan of cars. I love them!! I hit car shows all the time. I’m in the dealers on the regular trying checking out the new hotness. That’s my thing I guess.

But up until now I’ve never had a really nice car. I’m very happy with what I drive today although the greedy bastard deep inside of me would always like to have more. But long ago I drove the worst car on planet Earth. It was a beat up old, used 1997, four door Chevy Blazer. It can only be described as red hot steaming garbage. I had to roll down the window to open the door. I only had one windshield wiper that worked. The air conditioner blew hot air in the summer and the heater blew cold air in the winter. My existence was salvaged only by a rather short commute to work.

I used to hate to go shopping or out to nice dinners because I knew I’d be driving the worst car in the parking lot. Rather than valet that hunk of junk I’d sometimes park it down the street and walk. I hated people with nice, new cars. Fuck them…

One day I was going to buy a new pair of shoes on a Saturday morning. I pulled into the parking lot of the local DSW. There were a lot of cars in the lot but waaaaaaaaaaaaay far from the door was parked what looked to be like a brand spanking new H2 Hummer. It was all black and sat up on 24” rims. It was obviously parked that far away from everything because the owner loved it, probably just got it, and didn’t want stupid people getting too close to it. I don’t blame them. Now that I have a nice car I sometimes do the same thing. That H2 was sick… And I was sick… with a lethal combination of anger, envy and rage.

So I quickly formed a diabolical scheme inside of my head to pass along some of my own suffering to the driver of the afformentioned H2. I drove all the way to the far side of the lot and parked my shitty ass Chevy Blazer right next to the brand new H2. But not just next to it. I was practically on top of it. That’s right. There could not have been an inch of space between my passenger door and the driver’s side door of the H2. I was so close to it that the friend I had traveling in my car with me had to crawl over the seat and get out on my side of the car. Then I ran into DSW to set up my looking post.

While my friend looked for shoes I stood at the front of the store pretending to look at the displays while I nonchalantly looking out the window for the owner of the H2 to make their way out to the parking lot. I couldn’t wait. And then it happened.

I watched the clown walk out of the store… across the parking lot… all the way to his car. I saw him actually see my shitty as ride parked all up on his brand new whip. I could feel the anger in swelling in his head. It fueled me. It kept getting better… I had a front row seat to see him proceed to start screaming profanities, jumping up and down and throwing up his hands up in anger and disgust… ALL IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE GIRL!!!!! She could not have been more than five years old!!!!!

Score one for RS!!!!!

My heart was overcome with joy and glee as I watched him enter into his car threw the passenger door, crawl over his seat and drive off in frustration.

I feel good right now just telling this story!!! What’s wrong with me?

-RS