Chicken Breast and the Nissan 350z... RS

I know you’re going to feel me on this one.  I know sometimes you just want to be left the hell alone right???  I know you do.  I’m no different.  Ok, hear goes…

I eat the same thing for lunch almost everyday.  Chicken Breast!  Why?  Because I’m a creature of habit and because chicken is cheap and easy!  And while I’m eating my chicken I like to sit at my desk and be left alone.  It’s the only time in the awful nine hours a day I spend at my job that I actually feel like a human being.  But for some reason, one of my office mates was determined to stop this from happening.  At least three times a week while I would be eating my lunch this fool would come over to my desk and say something stupid like “Chicken breast again?” 

Fuck!  This shit again?  Trying to be nice (which is usually not in my nature) I would simply nod my head in acknowledgement and say something like “yes, chicken breast again” or “yeah, chicken the breakfast of champions.”  But after three weeks of this nonsense I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was sitting at my desk one day and sure enough, here he came stomping through the office looking like a cabbage patch kid from hell.  “Hey RS, chicken breast again?”

I took off my glasses, off tossed them on my desk, slide my chair back, looked him in his eyes and asked him “Are we gonna do this every day man?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, are we gonna go though this whole ‘Are you eating the same thing for lunch again today’ charade every day of the week?  I’m just asking because I want to be mentally prepared for this if this is going to go on everyday.”

He was clearly confused by this turn of events.  “Wow man, you get up on the wrong side of the bed?”

I let that comment go and just went back to eating my food and ignored him as he walked away stupidly…

But of course… that could not be the end of it now could it…

Three hours later this fool came back to my office seemingly trying to smooth shit over with a truce of some kind.  He decided to try to tap into my love of cars which we had talked about before.  He had just bought a new one and wanted to show it to me.   I had already seen it in the parking lot and I will admit to you that it was serious!  It was a nasty Nissan 350z coup in metallic blue.  More often that not I would have been happy to run to the parking lot to check out the whip but today… again… I was simply not in the mood.

“Hey RS, you wanna come check out my car?  I just got this week.  It’s hot man!”

In less than a second I had already formulated the most evil of plans in my head.  I could see it unfolding in a manner that pleased me greatly as he stood before me smiling and excited about his new purchase and the prospect of showing it to me  “Hell yeah I wanna see your car man!  I saw it in the parking lot this morning.  That shit is hot!  Let’s go.  Go ahead, just let me grab my suit jacket.”

The super excited Cabbage Patch Kid from Hell ran out of my office towards the parking like he was a child running toward the tree on Christmas morning as I got up to grab my suit jacket.  Then I sat right back down at my desk and continued to work with zero intentions of getting up, going to the parking lot and looking at shit.  But I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t waiting for him to come back.  Yep, I would just be lying because I had a little something for his ass. 

About 15 minutes later he sheepishly walked back to my office and stuck his head in.  Hey RS, did you make it out side?  I didn’t see you out there.”

I took my glasses off, tossed them on my desk, slid my chair back, looked him in his eyes and spoke loud enough for all of the surrounding cubicles to hear.  “You’re right you idiot.  You didn’t see me out there because I wasn’t out there.  And that’s because I was never coming out there.  And I was never coming out there because I don’t give a fuck about your new car.  Not even a little bit.”  I paused for a moment to watch his facial expression change from confusion to disappointment, to embarrassment to shame and finally a hit off anger before I continued.  “Just like you shouldn’t give a fuck about what I eat for lunch.  We clear?”

He looked at my stupidly and shook his head at me in disgust.  That moment was a small moment of victory in what is essential a life of failure.   I have very few of them.

-RS