Reflections on 2009... Part Deux

Before you read this... If you haven't yet... Please read Reflections on 2009... Part One
http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/12/reflections-on-2009-part-one.html

Now that you're all caught up... Here's part deux

Just a recap from the last post... I'M A JERK! 

Just today, I was helping my mother assemble a tv stand.  Now I've expertly assembled my entire first apartment.  (Does anyone else hate using that S shaped tool IKEA gives you to assemble all their furniture.  Couldn't imagine being a dude, wanting to feel manly and being reduced to cranking your whole project together.  Leave it to the Swiss to find yet again another way to immasculate the American man.  Might as well include skinny leg jeans in each box just for S's & G's)

Moving forward...
When the whole frame was put together and we were ready to stand it upright, the frame was wobbly at best.  We spent 20 mins trying to fix it.  Try as I may, I could not get the stand to become sturdy.  I rescrewed everything in as directed.  Still wobbly and practically falling apart, I gave up and began to diassemble the stand.  It was at that point I figured out what happened.  I was turning the screws in the wrong direction the whole time.  (In my defense, it was a dimly lit room and thier arrows weren't very visible.) 

We had already had the whole thing practically back in the box by the time I had figured it out and I didn't have the guts to tell my mother of the mistake.  So instead, I chose to let her go on for about 30 minutes how she would never buy furniture from this maker ever again.  And tomorrow, I'm sure she will head back into Lowe's and demand a refund for the chinsy piece of furniture they sold her.  And I will stand right next to her in the customer service line, even more indignant and outraged that they could pass off crap like that to their customers.

Ah well... Better luck next time!

LB

Reflections on 2009... Part One

It is only a few hours until 2009 is officially over.  Thus I have taken some time to really reflect on my life.  With all its ups and downs... One thing remains constant.  I AM A JERK!  This is going to be a long post, so I'm splitting it into two.

Part One.... This happened a little while ago but the shame is still pretty fresh. 

A dear friend of mine asked me to put together a small dinner for his birthday.  Which I gladly accepted.  So the night before I stayed up, dutifully dipping long stemmed strawberries in chocolate.  After which I wrapped each one in it's own cute little wrapper as a small party favor to each dinner guest. 

I brought the coveted tray of delights to my office knowing that I would have to bring them straight to the party afterwards.  I put them in the work refrigerator with a note that said "DO NOT TOUCH"

Right before the end of the work day, I went to retrieve the berries only to see that 3 were missing.  I was distraught to say the least.  I had worked so hard on each one, and now 3 people would not be able to have their own party favor thus ruining my plans for the party. 

I promptly tell my boss about the theft and she in an act of kindness and wrath of which I'd never seen, sent out a SCATHING email to the ENTIRE company.  [sidenote, we had a long history of people stealing food from the office refrigerator, but this set my poor boss over the top.]  This email, in the most professional manner I'd ever seen, ripped the whole company a new one and promised that if the culprit came forward they would be spared their lives.  (but perhaps nothing less)

The President of the company gave me $20 of his own dollars to offset the costs of the missing berries (which I was begrudingly forced to take) while everyone else came by and gave thier comments/theories on who they thought took the berries. 

I left the office defeated, my party plans laid in ruins but I still had to pull myself together and make it work. 

While driving to the restuarant to set up for the party.  My roommate calls me to wish me luck on everything and says, "Oh by the way, I saw you left 3 of your strawberries here in the fridge.  Don't worry, I didn't eat them so they'll be here when you get home."

I almost pulled my car into oncoming traffic. 

I never told anyone at the office about the mixup.  I just continued to further destroy the company morale by letting them believe they had thieves among them.  I'm sure people at that office still speak of the story as though it was something of folk lore or an old wives tale.  They pass down the story in new hire orientation to warn about the dangers of bringing your lunch to work and the poor girl who paid dearly for her mistake.    

-LB

I'm turning in to RS.... LB

OK...

I just want to preface this by stating that I am in fact going to seriously repent for the pain and suffering I cause to others.  I'd like to attribute this behavior to prolonged exposure to RS. 

Sometimes when my boss starts to get on my nerves, I like to get "even".  I do this by toying with what no one ever should - a woman's quintessential need to not look fat/over eat in public.  Now my boss is a beautiful person on the inside and out, but as with every employer/employee relationship it sometimes can be strained. 

I will burn for this...

Example #1
We were at a holiday luncheon not too long ago.  At the luncheon I kept remarking how good the pasta was and how I was so excited to order it.  Now I knew coming in I was skipping the bread bowl and getting a salad for lunch.  But my enthusiam caused my boss to stop her dieting you know... "for the holidays" and get a decadent dish as well. 

She ordered first.... the decadent pasta dish.  I was the last to order, so of course I get the garden salad with vinaigrette hold the croutons!  She gave me this "What Happened?" look.  I told her I was saving it for dessert.  So once again the dessert menu comes and I plot on the most decadent chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse layers and of course TWO scoops of icecream ala cart.  My boss lets down her guard and orders a slice of cheese cake. 

When the waiter gets to me I order the seasonal berries with a small dollup of whipped cream... on the side. 

Example #2
Fast forward to this morning.  I was an hour late for work.  So I decided to smooth things over by stopping by the nearest dunkin doughnuts.  I called the boss from the road and asked her what she was wanted.  She said if you're going to treat yourself, why not.  I'll have a sausage croissant sandwich.

I ordered myself a bagel AND a low fat muffin.  I ate the bagel in the car.  I then brought in my boss' hot, greasy, calorie-laden breakfast sandwich and the low fat muffin to the office.  My boss was more than happy to start tearing into her breakfast.  After about 2 or three bites she asks me if I am going to eat my low fat muffin.  I take one small bite declare it's not good and that I can't spare the calories anyway.  I then toss the whole thing into the trash.  After seeing the look on her face I knew it was the best 1.79 I've ever spent.

Regretfully - LB

Riding in Silence... RS

OK… let me set this up…

I usually don’t bother to play the radio in my car anymore. Most of the today’s music doesn’t interest me and despite being under 30 years old I’d much rather listen to Blues music that was written 30 years before I was born. So the radio in my car is usually turned to the station I used to play my ipod.

So last night my office had our office Xmas Party. It was about 15 miles from the office to the location and several people were going to car pool. I offered to drive so that I was sure that I could leave when I was ready to go. One of my officemates asked if he could grab a ride with me to the party. I gladly said yes. I don’t know him that well but he was in the lobby looking for a ride and I’m the new guy and could stand to make a few friends here at the job.

We got in the car and I fired it up. Inside there was only silence as I had not yet plug in my ipod. About 5 minutes into the ride he jokingly asked me if I always ride in silence. I could not help but take advantage of the situation…

“Yes”, I responded. “It gives me time to reflect upon all of the evil I’ve done in my life…”

No words were spoken the rest of the trip. He road back to the office with someone else…

-RS

A public service announcement: Coppin that new ish...

We've all had times when we've been "Ahead of the curve" whether it be a new artist, a fashion trend, etc. But when you become one of those people who pride themselves on having stuff before everyone else. It begins to bother me... a lot!


I. Being a fan of an artist (music) before everyone else...

How many times have I heard this (or said this) "Oh I was a fan long before they got famous." WHO CARES! The only thing that afforded you was the opportunity to pay less money to see them perform live. So what... you got the luxury of paying the $5 cover fee at your favorite dive bar vs. $50 nose bleed stadium seat 3 years later when their work actually mattered. Most likely they just had the chance to polish up their live performances on you before taking the good show on the road. It's like saying you had a chance to see the original Destiny's Child perform at a mall in Pensauken, NJ before they dropped their first single. You gets NO points for that. Nor do you get points for having sex with a super star BEFORE they became a super star. That means you just gave it up for free.

II. Coppin that ish... before anyone else .... (music)
OK... so somebody decided to leak you a track or a whole CD. Now what? Let me tell you why this annoys me to no end.

1. Half the time it's sooo illegal you can't even people you got it. Your like one of 20 people they leaked the music too, so when the bootlegs come out, guess who's door their knockin on!  

2a. Scenario #1 - Your in the car with a friend, listening to your extra advanced yet to be released CD. Next thing you know you get to your favorite track. But your friend has no idea about this song and is not nearly as excited as you are about it. Which kinda brings down the excitement level when your hype and the person across from you is giving you the blank stare

2b. Scenario #2 - Fast forward to a few weeks/months later when the song is released. You and friend are in the car. Your friend ... hears the same track you were diggin like 3 months ago and is like THIS IS MY SONG! But you're OVER it... WHY... cause you been bangin that ish for months already. You even tried to get your friend into it as well but they weren't havin it. Now you're fighting cause you want to change the station and your friend wants to bang out to THEIR song!

III. Coppin that ish before anyone else ... fashion....
Now I get it.. the idea of being an individual and having an individual style that represents you. But on the real, folks are takin this too seriously... "I had those Gucci shoes before anyone else." GOOD FOR YOU! So now your the first one I can officially say was stupid for rockin that look in the first place. Like whoever decided it was cool for men to layer 2 fitted polo shirts and pop both collars. If that is your claim to fame... kill yourself!

This is your public service announcement for the day.  I know it may seem harsh... but it had to be said!

LB

Merry CHRISTmas! LB

My office informed me this week that it is my job to decorate the office.  Just as an FYI... I know I'm a girl... and I know I also overuse the terms fabulous and fierce but, I. Do. Not. Decorate! 

I decided to make it so that I would never be chosen to decorate again.  This image which btw is my new desktop pic  (Sorry hang in there cat!) was the impetus to my design theme. 

While trolling through various Christian bookstores, craft stores and my basement I stumbled on some great things. 

Along with the bows and wreaths I also included... a 8'x6' nativity cutout.... Bought 2 to drape both walls of the hallway.  (you need two... having one is like a great a great HD tv with no sound system)

Sprinkled among the "Holiday Cheer" messages, pics of snowflakes, reindeer, and fat men draped in crushed velvet suits I snuck in this jem...Here's the cover to a special set of disposable table cloths, napkins and cups in the lunchroom.

I found this while rummaging through my own things.  I am really tempted to suggest this as a topper to the Christmas tree.  It's actually a scanned copied of a self-published pamphlet entitled... Jesus was a colored.  Print Date circa 1930

I also found red paint on sale.  I was tempted to paint a Red X on my door with a sign that said

"The Angel of Death is not welcome here!  (i.e. Management)

I'm pretty sure that they are going to revoke my corporate Amex card. 

LB

No Sick Days for Me... RS

I may have mentioned before that I used to work for a company that I just couldn’t stand and I worked with people that for the most part I hated. Today however, I’m lucky enough to have a job I can stomach while working with people that I actually like. This fact was made evident to me this past week while I was dying of the worst cold that I’ve had in nearly 30 yrs of life. It was so bad in fact that for the first time in ages I actually had to take a few sick days and stay home (although they made my take my laptop with me and I actually spent most of my sick time running reports and calling in for conference calls… but I digress….).

Anyway, the fact that I was home sick made me realize how much I really do like the people that I currently work with… because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would have ever take a sick day at my last job. NO WAY IN HELL. I would not have given them that kind of respect. Instead, I would have drug my sick ass out of bed, un-showered, unshaven, and unhealthy, wearing the most raggedy gear I owned just so I could spread the sickness!!! I would have walked in sniffling and coughing while using my hands to rub my nose. Then, only after sneezing all over my hands as many time as possible would I have gone on a handshaking expedition all through the office (for those of you who follow this blog regularly, you can rest assured that the first stop would have been the Cyclopes’ office and given his blind ass a bear hug http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/11/cyclopes-and-can-of-fruit-cocktail-rs_1143.html). Watching my colleges fall ill with similar symptoms over the next few days brought me a certain joy that I cannot describe to you in mere words… Oh the joy…

But, here at the new spot… no need for that as I am surrounded by wonderful people who have mutual respect and admiration for each other. So I spared them the plight of sickness that others in my past may have deserved. However, I did consider heading over to my old office, walking in and exchanging greetings… FUCKERS…

-RS

Holla at me about Church on Sunday.... RS

Since we have started this blog many of our readers have suggested that we (specifically me) would probably be doing ourselves and the rest of the worlds a huge service by attending a church service of some kind.  Perhaps Jesus could save me from the sickness that is inside of my head and heart....(although it has already been establised in a previous blog that that my in fact not be the case... http://deuxlosers.blogspot.com/2009/11/can-jesus-really-save-me.html )

But it is probably true that it would not be a bad idea to at least give it a try....

So one of our very dear readers who is also a very dear friend of mine actually invited me to attend church with her.  I thought that was a very nice gesture and decided that I would take her up on her offer and try to change my life for the better.  However, in the midst of the evil, gloom, doom and despair that consistently runs around in my head and heart I new that I would forget about her kind gesture.  So I asked my dear friend to remind me the day prior to this evangelical outing.  And she did... via... TWITTER... 

Huh???  She did what? 

For normal people that may have worked... but here is the funny thing about that... She has my number... my email and even knows where I live... But rather than use any of these normal means by which to contact me... she chose to TWITTER me...

That's right...  She didn't call... She didn't send an email.... She didn't even Facebook me (is that how you say that???  I have not idea).  She has never twittered me before in our lives and suddenly that was the way to get up with me... 

Let me explain this....  You see... MY SALVATION IS ON THE LINE AND THIS CHICK CHOOSE TO DEPEND ON TWITTER TO SAVE ME FROM THE FIRES OF HELL.

No one had ever twittered (is that how you say that shit) me before.  I didn't even know how to check it until if figured it out about a week after the fact.  So in essence my soul will burn in Hells hottest fire for an additional week at after the rapture because my homegirl decided that twitter is the new Angel Gabriel... 

To make matter worse... she text me this morning to let me know... that she wouldn't be able to make it.  I got right back in bed...  I'm going to Hell and will most likely be seated in the third row...


-RS

What if I had a stalker... LB

I had a few folks email me about my stalker post. They asked what if you really did have a stalker? This is how I think it would go down. 

Stalker Log
Week 1
Routine check of her refrigerator uncovers many packages of bacon, various diet drinks and I Can't Believe It's Butter Spray.

Routine check of her panty drawer was disappointing.. moving on.

Spent a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. How much does she really eat. ... Oh now I get it. She's purging in each of the parking lots.

Routine check of top ebay and google searches... Hair removal, time machines, adult pajamas with the feet, bacon of the month club

Week 2
Nightly ritual the same:
Crying in the shower
Applied acne cream - 20 mins
Shaving back, neck, face and stomach
Please note: She has not shaved under arms or legs since I started observing her.

Eating Habits:
Pretty healthy overall. But twice a week when she eats her night carbs, she puts on a wig and only refers to herself as Joan.

Bedtime:
Takes the same picture of Worf from Star Trek: Next generation to bed with her... every night!

Sleep
Snuck in to lie next her. The sound of the fart was deafening and my eyes are still burning. Never smelled anything like that from a human. Took two wash cycles to get that stink out of my clothes. (Note my aunt mentioned to try tomato juice, works for skunk attacks)

WEEK 3 - FINAL WEEK
Monday & Tuesday- STILL Spending a lot of gas money following her to various drive thrus. STILL purging in the parking lots. She got out of her car to ask if I'd hold her hair.

Wednesday - For the love of all that's holy.... What was that!

Thursday - She left me hot chocolate and warm baked cookies. Not sure if it's to keep me close or bribe me into not revealing what I saw yesterday. Either way it's not working... I can't take this anymore.

Friday... She noticed I wasn't outside and she sent me an edible arrangement and a card with some naked pics. I couldn't even eat my melon arrangement.

Saturday ... I put in a two week notice at my building. She's outside every night, trying to get me to come back.

Sunday... I know your reading this... I keep seeing crumbs from your night carbs JOAN. I will call the police if you continue to come by unannounced.

LB

Special Addendum....
I do actually have a stalker, no bull.  Here's how the real life story goes.

A few nights ago I had just pulled into my driveway.  When I saw a black station wagon, heavy tints starting backing into my driveway.  (now this happens often as people get lost in our development and so I'm used to seeing cars partially back into a driveway in order to make a turn)  But this is guy continued to back all the way up my driveway until his car was completely parallel to my own.  He then rolls down the window and asks, "You going to dinner?" 
My first response was "I don't know you sir, but the answer is no.  I'm going to the dentist." (it was actually true)  Then I followed up by saying to the man.  "I am confused are you looking for something?" 
He answered, "I've already found it" and peeled off down the driveway.  Now if I wasn't creeped out before I was by then. That was 3 days ago. 

Update: I have not seen him since.  But as with any other stalker, they are not supposed to be seen.  So if I go missing, know that it is no accident.  And seek help!  

One Man Doing the Manly Things That Men Do… RS

I recently had a conversation with a very dear female friend of mine (who may or may not contribute to this blog and whose initials may or may not be LB) about the things that women do that they consider womanly vs. the shit that men do that we consider MANLY!! She went on for about 10 minutes and I can tell you this for certain… I didn’t pay one bit of attention to anything she said after lip gloss. Not one word… But she did get me thinking about man stuff so when she finally shut up I went into a long monologue about one of my average days as a MANLY MAN…

I get up and go to work like most average men. I hate that shit like most average men and then I leave at EOD like most average men. It’s when I get home that my need to act in MANLY ways comes into play… So I rolled up in the drive way, got out of the car and found myself bored out of my mind. I walked into my garage, took inventory of my surroundings, formulated a plan and then built a motorcycle from scratch. That’s right, built a motorcycle!!! From scratch!!! Not a dirt bike. A motorcycle! With minimal supplies and basically out of scrap metal just sitting in my garage from the day I tore apart that Ford F150 because I didn’t like its paint job. I didn’t even have any tools. I just bent mental into shape with my bare hands and fused it together with brute strength, the way that real men do. When I was done I threw it on my back and jogged to the gas station to fill it up with Diesel fuel. Then I hopped on the bike and road it to the gym.

When I got to the gym I wasn’t tried but was short on time after having to fuse the steal together with raw strength, so I decided that I wasn’t going to push myself too hard or too long. So I decided to Bench… because that’s what men do. So I loaded up the bar with 225lbs and benched for a half an hour straight. I didn’t even take any breaks. I hit like 400 reps, racked that shit and just walked out of the gym without saying anything to anyone… like real men do.

When I got out side I saw some Average Joe admiring my bike. So I tossed his bitch ass the keys and gave him the bike. My kindness was for two very selfish reasons. One, maybe it would help him be more manly and two, because I might need something to do tomorrow after work and chasing the down the guy who “stole my bike at the gym” and beating him savagely without any evidence of mercy or remorse was just as good as any thing else I could have come up with to do.

Then I ran home… wait… sprinted home… at full speed. It was like a five mile run. When I got home I wasn’t sweating or even tired… but I was starving. So I sprinted a few miles father and found a cow pasture, where I attacked and killed a cow before ripping out handfuls of flesh from it side and swallowing it whole. I didn’t even chew it. I didn’t need to… because I’m a MAN… and chewing raw steak is not what REAL MEN do…

After my meal I returned home and showered. I was well fed, got my workout in, got a ride in and was clean. But something was missing… Ahhh, I know. So I walked into the back yard, picked up my Axe and chopped wood… because that’s what men do. They weren’t even my trees. They were the neighbor’s trees. So as a sign off good will I build them a garage out of the wood since technically it was theirs anyway. Hell, I didn’t care. I was tired of seeing there cars anyway. Now they have some place to put them.

After the wood was chopped and the garage was built, I went inside, sat on my couch, put one hand down my pants, used the other to grab the remote… and turned on Football… Because that’s what REAL MEN do… Later that night I pleasured several women but I try not to get into my personal life on this blog.

When I finished my tail of MANLY DEEDS I looked up at my homegirl… who was applying a fresh coat of lips gloss to her already highly glossed lips. Oh well… she’s a woman.

RS

Ridin Dirrrty! LB

For those of you who know me. You'll know that I'm really lazy about keeping up with my car's maintenance. But today it caught up with me. 

I am 10,000 miles past my last scheduled oil change which puts me about about 13000-15000 over due. In addition, since my move, I have not completed the process to get my title switched to my new state of residence. Which is where this story will begin.

Today whilst, picking up supplies for a work project I was stopped by a cop. And I can assure you, just the site of the red and blue lights made me pee just a tiny bit in my pants. See, my car registration expired 6 months ago.

The officer gets out the car and says to me "Ma'am are you aware that your out of state tags are expired. I kept my answers short and concise. I replied, "yes" He then asked me to see my license, registration and proof of insurance. Here's where things get a little hairy....

1. My license - while I did get a new license. (you avid readers, will remember I did a post on it.) I was carrying around my temporary one - which expired 2 weeks ago. The real license is in my house somewhere, I just can't seem to remember where I placed it. So I was essentially driving with an expired license.

2. Registration and Proof and insurance - As I opened the glove compartment box, what should fall out but 3 unpaid parking tickets. Yet there was no registration or proof of insurance to be found.

He took my expired temporary license and went back to check my name in the system. (With as many unpaid parking tixs as I have, I know I got warrants) So when the officer came out of the car, I knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth. "Ma'am could you please step out of the vehicle." The vision of my car being towed to a police impound lot was very clear in my head. But instead he just asked why I haven't updated my registration. "I answered him, officer, I started the process but there has been a delay getting the title from my previous homestate which is why the car does not have updated tags. (It was actually an honest answer)

I then asked him in these exact words, "officer, am I going to die. i.e. go to jail." He laughed said no and let me go. With no warning, no ticket, nothing. There are only 4 words to describe how I got out of that without the need for bail money. Jesus. Is. My. Homeboy!

LB

Stalking is a victimless crime.... LB

Today’s lesson… Stalking is a victimless crime. Personally, I believe stalking has many benefits.


1. Stalking raises the self esteem of the stalkee – wouldn’t you feel like a million bucks if you knew there was someone out there was interested in Every. Little. Thing. You. Did.

2. Stalking allows me to finally get out of the house at night

3. Stalking allows you to wear black, which is very slimming

4. Stalking inspires you to purchase top of the line camera equipment, which everyone needs anyway

5. Stalkers can actually PREVENT home invasions. No burglar is going to rob a house under constant surveillance.

But more importantly, it is a way for you to really stay connected to those who you’ve have fallen out of touch with or those who purposefully asked that you stay away from them. Always remember… Go away simply means hold me close. There were many nights I just laid next my loved one, simply stroking their hair… I stole from their brush. Or on cold nights, I’d find myself drawing little hearts in fog created by my breath against their windows. Those invisible hearts were a metaphor for our love. I don’t know what that metaphor is but I know one to be there.

But the key is to make your stalking productive for both yourself and your loved one. For example, while they are in the shower. Gently fold their towels and neatly place them somewhere they can reach it. If they haven’t made their bed. Do so, and leave a mint or some other memento of yourself on the pillow, so they can know you’re thinking of them. I personally like to sit on every pillow. Makes me feel like they are resting their heavy heads in my lap every night. You’ll quickly learn it’s the little things that bring comfort - and the excitement of not knowing who is doing all these wonderful things for them, is EXACTLY what your loved one wants. (Despite what they tell police) You need to keep things fresh. Everyone wants to be with someone who has a little mystery surrounding them, so you’re not the boring old girl they used to date then dumped for some 60 pound sexually misguided pre-teen with dreams of making it on Top Model. But I digress.

It’s the holidays and a perfect time to go through your phone book, high school yearbooks, prayer lists from church programs and find those people who really struck a chord with you over your many years of life and begin to learn about them. This is where job gets a little dirty as searching through their garbage is a necessary evil. But remember you’re not sorting through their garbage, these people have basically given you clues to their heart and anything worth locking away in your house forever never to be seen again is worth working for. For example, look through their magazines. If you see a page ripped out, go to your local bookstore or library and find out what page it was. If the missing page was an ad for a new Ipod. Buy it, place it on their door step, or as an alternative, place it in the trunk you plan to rest their weary heads in one day. The music you would have uploaded to it from a few casual searches of their computer will be a good friend for the long car ride to their new home. (With you of course, which will be a delight, when they finally realize that you two are really perfect together.)

Well, that is the end of today’s lesson, have a wonderful Christmas and one small thing, you should really turn the water off while brushing your teeth every morning. It’s really not good for the environment.

LB

An Unfortunate Yet True Story.... LB

While at Panera taking a lunch break. I saw a cute man sitting alone and I decided to try to grab his attention by bending over a counter with a straw in my mouth. I was attempting to show off my skills by feeding the straw thru the hole at the top of the cup. But I missed the hole and ended up stabbing the roof of my mouth with the straw instead. So now to match the bruise on the side of mouth the dentist left me on Tuesday,  I now have one on the roof of my mouth as well.


All I taste is shame.

LB

Weight Room Conversations... RS

I used to workout with two other guys at my gym. I prefer to workout with others because it breaks up the monotony of the routine and provides you with the challenge of trying to keep up with the other guys. It makes something that isn’t really that much fun just a little bit more fun. We didn’t hang out much outside of the gym (only on rare occasion) be we had a good relationship). When a guy was missing in action, we gave him shit. When a guy was complaining about the job, or his woman or his kids, we gave him shit. But it was always in good fun.

Both of these guys were older than me and we are all from very differ upbringings and very different ethnic backgrounds.

One guy was a 42 year old Korean transplant who used to compete as an amateur bodybuilder and detailed cars for living. He was married and had three girls ages 12, 10 and 8.

The other guy was a 35 year old Mexican immigrate who ran a landscaping biz. He had two girls ages 15 and 5.

I'm an inner city Black kid, from DC with a 9 year old princess of my own.

The majority of our workout time was spent making fun of each other in between sets. And since we resembled the United Nations it was usually for some ethnically charged reason. Lots of jokes about ribs, rice, tacos, noodles, chicken, picking cotton, using chop sticks, building railroads, swimming the Rio Grande, etc... Talk of John Shaft, Bruce Lee, Pancho Via, Mike Tyson, Cesar Chavez, Tupac and Jakie Chan.... Dry Cleaning, Nail Shops, Black Exploitation Movies, Rib Shacks, Cinco De Mayo, Taco Stands, Do Jo’s, Crips, Bloods.... It never stopped... But again... all in fun...

One day that all changed... when in between sets... we talked at length about what parts we liked... and didn't like... about the movie... Hanna Montana, which all of us had been forced to see the previous weekend with our children... And it was a serious conversation... until we actually realized what we were talking about.... The point was brought to our attention by several other gym patrons who decided to jump in and help us realize that we were in fact in the Man Cave talking about a 16 year old Country singer and how we would have filmed her movie differently.

The shame rolled off of all three of us more profusely then the sweat. Effectively... our workout was over at that point. I didn’t even finish my final set of whatever exercise we were doing. I just went to the locker room, grabbed my gym bag an left... I drove home in defeat. None of us ever spoke of that conversation ever again.

RS

Things I've learned this holiday weekend... LB

1. Do buy a Snuggie
2. While at Thanksgiving dinner it is apparently OK to fake an orgasm.
3. Do take the Snuggie with you into the bathroom while puking. It will be your only friend against cold tile floors and porcelain toilets
4. It's OK for 6-8 of your closets friends to crash a wedding (The White House crashers should take lessons.  I'm not invited to about 80% of the events I attend!)
5. Do not wear the Snuggie naked. It's like a hospital gown, your back will always be cold.
6. When you watch enough porn, it becomes as natural as watching an episode of Barney (words of wisdom from a well-meaning cousin, also shared at the thanksgiving dinner table)
7. Do wear the Snuggie backwards like a robe and pretend your a character from Harry Potter. British accents required.
8. The cousin/suitor got a promotion AND has been working out since the last time I saw him. (Definitely missed out on that gravy train)
9. Always reverse the Snuggie when letting guests wear it (only applicable if you wear the Snuggie while naked.)
10. Do not take pictures of yourself wearing a beret and aforementioned Snuggie and then email said pics to a friend. Those images will definitely come back to haunt you.

LB

Netflix... LB

For those of you who do not have netflix. Get it immediately... tell them LB sent you and you'll be sure to receive absolutely no discount.

One of the best parts about Netflix is their ability to suggest other films you might like, based on prior movies viewed. I was browsing through their selections of suggested films, one in particular caught my eye.

It's your typical-run-of-the-mill-homoerotic-sci-fi-thriller

Which makes me think about doing my part to make society a better place by creating great gay porn titles.

These titles could be interchangeable with perhaps real life movies/autobiographies.

Teabaggers Tale: The real life autobigoraphie of the Lipton family
Blowing Smoke: Real like story of Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
Wearing Pearl Necklaces: The Mikimoto story
Right hand / Left Hand: A love story

LB

Do you have any pictures?... RS

I was lying in bed next to my little girl one night after having just finished telling her another classic story about how Daddy saved the world from tyranny. I think it might have been something along the lines of how Daddy and 300 of his closest friends from the gym united to save the world from some oppressive madman who wore too much jewelry. But I digress…

As I stared down at the only thing on Earth that I’ve ever created that was of any worth at all, I started to think about how much she means to me. And I thought about how much less of a human being I’d without her… And so I saw the opportunity to create a moment that perhaps she would remember forever….

RS: “You know what little girl? When Daddy and Mommy made you we took everything that was good inside of us and put it into you. That’s why you are so wonderful.”

Baby Girl: “What do you mean? You didn’t make me. God made me.”

While this may be true I certainly had something to do with it. And while I will not battle with God for any reason I refuse to not get that credit I deserve for helping make this kid…

RS: “Yes baby, God made you but Daddy and Mommy help to bring you to Earth. And we took all that was good inside of us and…”

Baby Girl: “No you didn’t. How?”

Huh? Fuck! She wants to know how!! It’s too early to tell her how, isn’t it? She’s like seven!!!

RS: “Well, we took that best parts of ourselves and poured them into a glass. Then we gave the glass to God and He did the rest.”

Good one RS. She’s got to go for that one. It sounded so good and came out so pure that for a second I even believed that’s how it went down. But my kid is pretty smart and she was not to be fooled…

Baby Girl: “Nah ahh. I don’t believe you. Do you have any pictures?”

Pictures??? I almost choked on my tongue when she asked about pictures. I could barely contain my laugher as I thought about pictures of her mother and me pouring the best of ourselves into a glass for God. I almost passed out on the floor. Quickly I tried to compose myself.

RS: “No baby girl. Daddy doesn’t have any pictures…”

....but there might be some video tape floating around out there somewhere…

RS

My Chevy Blazer... RS

I’m a big fan of cars. I love them!! I hit car shows all the time. I’m in the dealers on the regular trying checking out the new hotness. That’s my thing I guess.

But up until now I’ve never had a really nice car. I’m very happy with what I drive today although the greedy bastard deep inside of me would always like to have more. But long ago I drove the worst car on planet Earth. It was a beat up old, used 1997, four door Chevy Blazer. It can only be described as red hot steaming garbage. I had to roll down the window to open the door. I only had one windshield wiper that worked. The air conditioner blew hot air in the summer and the heater blew cold air in the winter. My existence was salvaged only by a rather short commute to work.

I used to hate to go shopping or out to nice dinners because I knew I’d be driving the worst car in the parking lot. Rather than valet that hunk of junk I’d sometimes park it down the street and walk. I hated people with nice, new cars. Fuck them…

One day I was going to buy a new pair of shoes on a Saturday morning. I pulled into the parking lot of the local DSW. There were a lot of cars in the lot but waaaaaaaaaaaaay far from the door was parked what looked to be like a brand spanking new H2 Hummer. It was all black and sat up on 24” rims. It was obviously parked that far away from everything because the owner loved it, probably just got it, and didn’t want stupid people getting too close to it. I don’t blame them. Now that I have a nice car I sometimes do the same thing. That H2 was sick… And I was sick… with a lethal combination of anger, envy and rage.

So I quickly formed a diabolical scheme inside of my head to pass along some of my own suffering to the driver of the afformentioned H2. I drove all the way to the far side of the lot and parked my shitty ass Chevy Blazer right next to the brand new H2. But not just next to it. I was practically on top of it. That’s right. There could not have been an inch of space between my passenger door and the driver’s side door of the H2. I was so close to it that the friend I had traveling in my car with me had to crawl over the seat and get out on my side of the car. Then I ran into DSW to set up my looking post.

While my friend looked for shoes I stood at the front of the store pretending to look at the displays while I nonchalantly looking out the window for the owner of the H2 to make their way out to the parking lot. I couldn’t wait. And then it happened.

I watched the clown walk out of the store… across the parking lot… all the way to his car. I saw him actually see my shitty as ride parked all up on his brand new whip. I could feel the anger in swelling in his head. It fueled me. It kept getting better… I had a front row seat to see him proceed to start screaming profanities, jumping up and down and throwing up his hands up in anger and disgust… ALL IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE GIRL!!!!! She could not have been more than five years old!!!!!

Score one for RS!!!!!

My heart was overcome with joy and glee as I watched him enter into his car threw the passenger door, crawl over his seat and drive off in frustration.

I feel good right now just telling this story!!! What’s wrong with me?

-RS

The worst thing I've ever eaten... LB

PS…. This is not an old wives tales or urban folklore… this is the truth….

Many moons ago... I when I was a wee lass. (i.e when cellphones were as long as your forearm and the interweb was not what it is today) My mother was too tired to cook so decided we should go pick up Chinese for dinner.

I got my usual, beef and broccoli and an egg roll. About an hour later, what would be to date the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had hit me like a ton of bricks. I pretty much sublet my parents bathroom for two days. That Sunday, when I could stand or finish a sentence without vomiting. I heard my mother yell for me to come downstairs. She had just read an article about how the very same Chinese food restaurant we had gone to was shut down. WHY? Because they found 40 skinned cats all awaiting their fate, to become various dishes at the restaurant.

I’ll tell you what… It just proves my theory – that brown sauce can make anything taste delicious. (I wonder how it would taste with a little bacon in it)

-LB

Chivarly is not dead!.... LB

It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon in DC so me and a male friend decided to take a trip to the zoo. Admission was free and we were broke.  We get to the vulture cages, to find one in particular sizing us up for lunch like we were rotting carcasses. (Maybe it was my new perfume.) Suddenly, It swooped down on us. And I will share with you that vulture with a 10 foot wingspan is no joke. When they come down on you, your life flashes before your eyes. Mine was mainly blank - not sure if that's a problem or not!?! 

The only separating him from us was a thin wire cage that surrounded the bird compound. While it was enough to keep him from pecking our eyes out, it was too much for my male friend who had, in his attempt to run away from the bird, pushed me towards the cage - TO BE EATEN!  He ran to another section of the zoo and promptly called me on my cell to see if I was "ok". Thus proving chivarly is not dead - as he did in fact, call to make sure I had not been eaten alive.  He then informed me as to where he was at, because he was NOT coming back to the bird section of the zoo.

PS. My friend may remember that story differently, as in, not pushing me towards the bird to die. But this is the true story!  By the way I will say in my friends defense . If there was a bullet coming towards me he would in fact stand between me and that bullet... until it became unsafe to continue doing so.

That's true friendship! 

The Water Cooler... RS

I used to work for a company that was so cheap that it refused to provide employees with clean drinking water. What the fuck? What the hell kind of company is this that won’t provide drinking water? Instead, we as individual offices had to rent our own water coolers and then purchase those giant water bottles that look like plastic beer kegs. It wasn’t that big of a deal and rather than drink out of that nasty ass water fountain we just paid the cost of the cooler.

I had worked for my boss for a few years at that point and when I got promoted to a new office and a new position, rather than change water cooler allegiances I just continued to pay him and get my water from his office. It was a good chance to come in and talk sports and man stuff a few times a day. We had a good relationship and getting out of my new office for a few minutes, where I was surrounded by people whose interest were not similar to mine, if only to drink a glass of water was well worth it… until that faithful day…

Parched and practically coughing up dust I grabbed my water bottle and began my trek several doors down the hallway to where my old office had been. I walked in the door and my replacement was sitting at my old desk trying his best to be half the man I am. Nice kid but I digress. My old boss was standing at the water cooler bending down to fill up his mug with his cell phone resting on his shoulder while he spoke on the phone. Because I am innately an evil individual I saw an opportunity that I could not resist unfold before my eyes…

And so it began…

From a dead stop I squared up my shoulders and ran toward him full speed. My replacement, whose desk faced the door, saw me coming. He had that “what the fuck are you doing?” look in his eyes. My old boss who was busy getting water and talking on the phone never saw me coming. As my speed continued to increase I launched myself into the air and executed a perfectly flawless version of the Karate Kid flying jump kick. “Hay Yah!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I came only inches from his head with my size 11 Steve Madden pointed tip dress shoe. His head popped up just in time to see the bottom of that very shoe all up in his grill.

This is where is got bad…

I scared the shit out of him! The high pitch shriek that came from that grown man was similar to that little girl Nute in the movie “Aliens”. Imagine him screaming out “Riiiipleeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of his lungs while throwing his hand up in the air like he was a football game doing the wave.

The cell phone went flying across the room and smashed into a wall. Water rained down all over the office like in a torrential down poor. My replacement and I busted out into laugher so hard that I can only try to describe it. I was laughing so hard that as I stumbled back toward the door I could barely stand up straight. I probably looked like I was drunk!

“What the hell’s wrong with you, you son of a bitch?” he screamed at me as he tried to recapture his grown man voice and maintain some level of dignity.

This is where it got worse…

With his best Cy Young impression (the most famous baseball pitcher of all time for those of you who don’t know) that fool drew back his arm. In his hand he held the mug which used to hold the water he was about to try to drink before I came in playing the Black Ninja. He fixed his dagger like eyes on me and then let that shit go…

I only had a fraction of a second to duck my head down in an attempt to save my life. As the mug sailed over my head I could actually feel it graze the base of my skull. I didn’t see it but I heard it crash on the wall behind me. It exploded into micro dust!!!

“Get the fuck out of my office and never come back in here again!!!!!!”

Still laughing despite nearly being killed by a NY Giants mug I stumbled out of there unharmed but still thirsty. The next day I joined the water club in my new office. It was just safer that way. I spent the rest of the week trying to explain to HR and my other office colleagues that I had had not actually Kung Fu’d the shit out of my old boss…

-RS

A Racially Senstive Subject ... LB

At work, I usually spend my time unwittingly signing up my friends for herpes support groups or tracking when the newest sci-fi convention is coming into town.

But I have real work to do this week.  Real work means I'm not able to crap away my day in idle conversation, I actually have to stay at my desk and show tangible work for my time spent on company computers.  My absence prompted my boss and co-worker to come by and visit.  Everyone was curious as why I wasn't around to shoot the breeze.  So I ...(and here's where I messed up)... said "I was working like.... A FIELD SLAVE, to get everything accomplished." 

I had no idea what I'd done would be irrevocably harmful to my future well being in this company.  I believed the smiles and subsequent laughter that followed from them was good.  An affirmation of the fact that I am capable of making people laugh.  But I was wrong and what's worse is what's been happening ever since. 

Now when I walk by, (and this is no lie) I hear my boss making the whip noises.  Every time she drops off a new project, it comes with the "Just crackin' the whip" statement attached.  She made a remark that she was working me too hard like one of PHARAOH's slave drivers...  The remark instantly made me flash back to the beating scene in roots and I'm waiting for her to slip up and refer to me as TOBY. 

I did this to myself people... I opened the floodgates.  Now I have two options...

1. Post this... and quit as my dear friend said to me.  Drop the laptop like the mic in Coming to America and run! 

or... more feasibly.... 

2. Curtail the joking, and appear to be the angry black woman in order to get some peace around here.  So.... let the eye rolling and neck wagging begin! 

(I thought about option 1 - but the cost of replacing that laptop would have come right out of my unemployment checks, can't have that!)

PS.. I just added this because I love the movie so much...

Wake up Call... RS

A while back my beautiful little Angel had the misfortune of breaking her leg at the beginning of her summer vacation. It was a horrible and tragic event for us both but sometimes I swear it was just a little bit worse for me than it was for her…

So one Sunday morning... I was awoken by the pitter patter of one little foot, two crutches and a cast dragging on the carpet, slowly creeping, into my bedroom...

"Daddy I'm not tired any more. I'm too excited..."

I had been hoping to sleep in a little longer that morning but realized that was not to be.... but then... I realized something far worse. It was still dark. And not just dark in my room. I mean it was dark outside. I turned my head toward my night stand to look at the clock and much to my horror... It was only 5:07am... IT’S SUNDAY MORNING DURING THE SUMMER!!!!! Its 5:07 am!!!!!!!!!!

Oh hell no!!!!

So I got up, looked at her and asked in my most pleasant and loving Daddy voice....
"What are you so excited about honey...?"
"You said we were going to Chucky Cheese today and I'm excited so I can’t sleep anymore..."
I thought I was having a nightmare or something.... This couldn’t be happening. I sat up in bed and thought to myself... I should terminate this apparition of my child right now for it could not actually be her this early in the morning. It simply made no sense. She’s a child. Children like to sleep. Therefore this cannot be her. And there is no way in hell she is so excited about Chucky Cheeses that she saw fit to come in to my room at 5:07am and disturb my slumber.

I realized that the termination of the beautiful small being standing before me was not an option. So I picked up my broken little angel, carried her to the living room, put her in front of the TV, turned on her favorite DVD and prayed that perhaps that would be enough for her to allow me to sleep at least a few more hours. Less than two hours later... at 7:00am I was again awoken by a sound. This time it was not the pitter patter of one foot, two crutches and a cast dragging on the carpet but rather the sound of on angelic little voice carrying out in a sweet melody…
"Daddy I'm hungry..."
F-Word!

Ok, got to get up and feed my child... which I then happily did. At that point it became clear to me that I was up for good. No shot at getting any extra shut eye that morning. So I started to do my normal Sunday morning stuff while she was watching TV. I figured Chucky Cheese would be a noon time endeavor so I’ve got five hours to kill before then . I washed dishes, paid bills, folded laundry... and then sat on the couch next to my baby to watch some TV. It was 11am by that point. One hour to go before Chucky Cheese time. And then the worst possible thing that could have happened… happened…

She looked up at me with her little puppy dog eyes, yawned and then had the audacity to say...
"Daddy, I'm sleepy. I'm going to take a nap."
WTF?? WTF x2!! I was about to lose my mind!!!!! She then proceeded to crutch her little behind down the hallway to her room... where she slept…… until…… 4pm!!!!!! I was sitting there all by myself for the next five hours wondering how all of this had happened. Perhaps if I hadn't sinned so much as a youth or lost my temper so many times as an adult this wouldn't be happening to me....

We didn't make it to see Chucky until after 5pm. She was lethargic the whole time….

RS

Unrecognized Phone Numbers... Works Like a Charm... RS

Once upon a time I was interviewing with an IT contractor that generated about $40M/year in top side volume. A mentor of mine that did business with the contractor on occasion connected me with the owner of the contract company with whom I quickly developed a good relationship. I had several interviews and it seemed like the offer was on its way... until this guy just disappeared. Didn't return phone calls... emails... nothing. It was like he was an phantom or something like that.

I suspected he was avoiding my calls so I had a friend call him (yep… LB). He picked up immediately because he didn't recognize the phone number. She hung up on him right away. Later, brief interaction would prove useful as it lead him to call her back several times and leave several voicemails offering his corporate services. Once I realized he was, in fact, alive I called from another number to try to set up a final meeting... He picked up (dick head). He sounded a little shocked when I told him who I was but he pretended to be glad to hear from me. I turned on my best “good future employee” voice and tried to work my magic. He confirmed the time, date and location for our meeting... and then that bastard never showed up... I told my mentor at about it and he told me not to pursue any further b/c the guy was unreliable. What? Then why the hell did you hook me up with this fool in the first place? Anyway, I digress…

Now, I’m nobody special but I don’t deserve to be dicked around by corporate thugs. So of course I had to come up with a sick scheme to make this clown understand that his actions were unacceptable and frustrated me greatly. My memory drifted back to when I had LB call him from a number he didn’t recognize and how he responded by basically stalking her to offer his services. It was at that moment that I formulated my Evil Plan of Doom. And after a few weeks of plotting I put Order 67 into effect. For weeks after our “cancelled” meeting this fool got a nice surprise from me… An ungodly amount of phone calls from random numbers that he most certainly would not have recognized to his office and cell phone numbers. How you ask? It was simple. I have several friends who work in VZW and Sprint stores across the region where he operates. I spoke with all of them and told them of my plight and they were happy to assist me in my time of need. They all began calling this fool everyday from different numbers, setting up fake business development meetings under the guise of real and fake companies. Then they would either not showing or calling an cancelling at the very last minute. We even had a schedule set up as well as restaurant reservation confirmed that he actually made. It was brilliant!

I know what you’re thinking. This would be an annoyance but nothing more than that. Well, yes and no. And the way I see it… it’s a little more no than yes. As the scam continued and his appointments continued to either not show or cancel he began calling them back regularly to try to reschedule these fake meeting and offer services. I guess business is slow for him if he’s chasing fake leads like this. This project went on for about two weeks before my friends simply got tired of the charade and stopped making the calls but by that time I was more than satisfied with the outcome. At the end of the day I got nothing out of it... except for the satisfaction of know that for a least a few days he was scrambling just like me.

Did I mention that my life is a dumpster fire???

-RS

The One That Got Away ... LB

A few years ago, my family began pressing me about why I wasn't married, or at least dating. My cousins lovingly referred to as aunt and uncle informed me that they had the PERFECT man for me. Their exact words were "He had a good job, he was a christian man, funny and lived in my area! He was perfect except for one small very inconsequetial thing. He was my cousin as well. Their nephew to be exact, you can work out the specifics of the family tree in your own head.

So on Christmas day as the family got together to celebrate the birth of Christ, (who's mother never bugged him about meeting a good Jewish girl) who shows up at the door but aforementioned "aunt" and "uncle" AND a plus 1. They brought my cousin/suitor to dinner. The entire night was filled with awkwardness, like when you sneeze and let out a fart at the same time in a group of people. My family, usually a raucous group, were eerily silent as I passed my cousin the greens at the dinner table, as if our hands would touch and we'd look into each other's eyes and do each other!  You know, just start pouring ladels of gravy all over our.... anyways...  I did my best to avoid him the rest of the evening and no, there were no fireworks.

But 4 years later I found myself thinking about him. I wonder, is he the one that got away? As my other cousin stated, I was crazy for letting him go. He was eligible for a pension- and that was good money! He also has a heart warming laugh reminiscent of Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons. But looking past the obvious point that he was a blood relative. What is most important is that I gave up the chance (perhaps my only) to form a committed union. I gave up the chance to keep our blood lines pure, like the English monarchy. And as I get into bed ALONE and COUSIN-LESS, I'll have to live with the pain of knowing I could have had it all.

LB

In a World of Violence... RS

Violence is never THE answer…. But it is always AN answer…. And usually a pretty goddamn good one. At least that is what has worked for me in my experience.

-RS

Realizations... LB

I have epiphanies all the time... thought I'd share a few with you!

Sometimes in life… your friends and family aren’t wrong. Your significant other really isn’t worth the $20 they borrowed from you.

Money can buy you happenis!

Saying your Bisexual is like saying you love tofu. We both know it's a lie, but I'll let you believe it if it makes you feel not gay.

Sometimes saying you have genital herpes can actually save your rep!

Is it me or does Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta use her kids as an excuse to do cruddy stuff. "Yea I'll stay with Big Poppa, and ruin his marriage to feed my kids. Yea, I'll eat/skin puppies alive and sell cute toddlers into white slavery if it means my babies stay drenched in Gucci... WTF Kim!"

I also realized today, my life is kinda like the Neiman Marcus cupcake car. At first glance it's gaudy and ridiculous but when you get a chance to really see it for what it's worth you realize all the work that went into it really culminated to a waste of valuable resources as well.

-LB

Out of Which Eye???... RS

I used to work for this clown a while back that only had one eye.  If you are a regular follower of this blog you know that I hated him and that he was actually Satan incarnate.  He was known to me and a few others affectionately as the Cyclopes.  It’s unlikely that anyone will attend his funeral if and when that day should come but that isn’t for me to say. 

One day, that fool joyfully walked into my office and smiled at me.  I knew at that very moment that something had to be wrong.

“RS, I feel like business is about to turn around for us.  I can see success in our futures.”

I couldn’t resist…

“Oh, really?  And out of which eye did you see this success? 

Silence…  Then an evil one eyed glare…  Then he walked away… 

Sometimes I wonder how the hell I made it at that evil layer of doom as long as I did…

Typical Marketing Meeting... LB&RS

These are the minutes from and actual marketing meeting for Deux Losers.  It is also a glimpse into the genius behind some of our upcoming "marketing campaigns"

RS: I got an idea to boost traffic to the blog
LB: Lay it on me
RS: We need a sex tape. Scandal sells!
LB: It's genius... Go ahead and get started... I'm right behind you
RS: No, I need to be behind you!  Our corporate sponsors prefer if we're both looking at the camera
LB: Fine! Let me grab my Snuggie, some baby oil and a prince mix tape. Oh and I like topless men, so oil up.
RS: We should start by posting a few sexy pictures of ourselves on the blog. I happen to have a few of myself.
LB: WTF? Why the do you have those handy?
RS: Ahhhhh… you never know when you might… well… never mind.
LB: I don't do sexy photos... I thought you knew that already. But once I figure out how to air brush chest hair from a photo it's ON!
RS: You have chest hair? I thought only old women in baptist churches grew chest hair. Oh well. I can work with that but do you mind waxing your upper lip. That shit could drive traffic away.
LB: Yeah, good point. I can do that.
RS: Great. Let’s do this shit!
LB: Can you also make sure there are exactly 6 double stuff Oreos there.
RS: Whatever you need. I will also need a jump rope and a pair of The Perfect Push ups.
LB: Now we just need a D-list tv personality to include so we can leak it to TMZ! What's Ms. Cleo been doing with her life?

And that people is how stars are made...

LB&RS

The Cyclopes and the Can of Fruit Cocktail... RS

I may have mentioned that I used to work for a Cyclopes and that I hated him… yada yada yada…

Well, on day I walked in on that fool stabbing the shit out of a can of fruit cocktail with a pair of scissors. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen and I stopped short of walking all the way in because I was not sure that what I was seeing was actually taking place (that and the fact that I was concerned for my safety). After taking a few minutes to really get an understanding of my surroundings and the situation at hand, I panned the room with my eyes to try and understand why the fuck he would be abusing his lunch. It simply made no sense. Had it done something to him. Was this some crazy Cycloptic ritual that I had to read about in the Odyssey? Then, next to the fruit cocktail on the desk I noticed the broken can opener which I will assume he broke while he was trying to open the can. I can only assume that because there is always the off chance that this idiot broke the can opener with the scissors as part of the Cycloptic. Again, I cannot be sure.

I stood there for about 30 seconds waiting for him to finish while holding in my laugher and trying to understand exactly what I was witnessing... The time continued to pass as I stood there unnoticed as he continued to kill that poor can. Obviously since he only has one eye he didn’t see me standing at the door (too bad he saw that damn cab though…). Sorry, I digress.

After a few moments I finally couldn't take it anymore and I asked him (while laughing profusely...) "What the fuck are you doing...?"

He nearly jumped out of his seat when I made my comment. Embarrassed and angry he responded... "What the fuck does it look like? I'm trying to eat my lunch. Get out of my office! Go away!"

Clearly this dude has issues.... I mean he was stabbing this shit out of this thing like in the movie Psycho. After witnessing the horrid event from hell... I quickly ran back to my side of the office and told everyone that I could find and would listen about what I had just witnessed...

I feel better about my position in life now. Perhaps it is not nearly the dumpster fire that I thought it was…

-RS

The Perfect Man - Part Deux! LB

After some additional soul searching, I've come up with a few additions to the perfect man list.

Must love bubble wrap
Must be 3 inches taller than me in my highest heel
Must have a love of fashion (Metrosexuals are strongly encouraged to apply)
Vespas and British accents are a PLUS!

I decided to put my list to the test... so I went to an "popular dating website"  After a lengthy Q&A session they showed me two matches based on my levels of emotional needs and wants. 

I did not expect these results... (click the read more link to see)

Driver's License.... LB

I went to the DMV to transfer my license this week. After a jovial conversation, with the DMV attendant, the man asks me to verify my information and subsequently takes my pic. I get to the front to retrieve my new card. The attendant, as he had done with the previous people in line, takes a look at me, takes another look at the card to verify he's giving it to the correct person. Then very politely says, here's your license SIR, have a nice day!

LB

"You Can't Catch Me"... RS

Did you have a favorite game when you were I child?  I’m sure I did but I can’t remember what it was.  But I can tell you what my child’s favorite game was when she was little.  My baby used to love the play the game “You can’t catch me!”  Yeah, you know what game I’m talking about.  The game where a little kids runs into the room screaming “You can’t catch me! You can’t catch me!”  You know what tune I’m talking about.  Most of that time it’s either started with or followed up by a “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo” and a silly face or something cute like that.  We’ve all sung it and we’ve all had it sung to us. Stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, kids love that game for whatever reason.  My little nephew is at that age where he likes to play.  He feels as if he is a master at it.  We’ve all seen this skit unfold time and time again.  They run into the room, sing that catchy little jingle.  “Nannny Nanny Boo Boo, You can’t catch me.”  Maybe they stick out their tongues and stick their thumbs in their ears while waving their hands back and forth in an attempt to get you to chase them.  And then you get up from you nice cozy seat and scream out  “Oh yes I can” and run after that chasing them all through the house and having a wonderful time.

Small children’s fascination with this game always amazed me because it speaks to the magical/innocent mindset of the child.  But I have a question for all of those little children out there with their hands in their ears and their tongue sticking out…

WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I CANT CATCH YOU?  I mean for real though…?  I’m a 29 year old grown ass man.  I spend time in the gym running and lifting weights.  I’ve been in more fist fights than you’ve lived in months.  I’ve played sports at the highest of levels.  I’ve trained for years!  I’ve got keen vision and cat like reflexes.  You have no chance of getting away from me.  I fucking hate this game on a level that I can’t describe.  The sheer audacity of some ignorant five year old trying to tell me that I can’t snatch their little ass up off the ground faster than they can get those thumbs out of their goddamn ears and pull in that tongue is insulting.  Look at me and look at you.  You’re not even physically developed yet.  Come on man!  And I refuse to pretend like I don’t have the speed and agility to pounce on you like a cheetah on a gazelle.  I simply won’t do it.   I don’t care how cute and cuddly you are and I don’t care whose child you are.  You come at me with some “You can’t catch me”, I promise you, you’re little ass is getting delt with!

Let’s break down the physicality of this mismatch real fast.  You’re five. I’m almost thirty.  Your legs are 18 inches long max.  My legs are over three feet long.  Do that math fool!  That means I’ve only got to take one step to your two just to keep up with you let alone gain any ground on you.  And look at the size of my hands.  You think that when I wrap that shit around your miniscule little arm you’re going to be able to pull away from me?  Like hell.  I guarantee that I have more strength and musculature in one of my arms than you have in your whole damn body.  Once I’ve even got a piece of you it’s a done deal.  And you only weigh like 40lbs. I weigh 175lbs.  I’m like a locomotive once I get going.  I’ll snatch you up in the air in one motion while you’re still singing that stupid fuckin song from hell!

But just for the sake of argument let’s pretend that I would opt not to use my physically dominating stature as an advantage over you (not that I would ever allow you that kind of mercy).  Where the fuck are you going to go that I can’t go?  I mean seriously.  You only have but so many place at your disposal.  You can’t even leave the house without permission.  At best you might be able to go out into the yard but if is after dark you don’t even have that.  Where are you going to hide?  The bathroom?  I can get in there.  The basement?  Yeah, nice try.  I can walk down steps too.  You gonna hide in some kitchen cabinets?  Yeah, I’m tall and I can open those and snatch you ass out of there too.  How about you hide under the bed. Yeah kid, I’ve got long arms.  I’ll reach under there and drag you right out from underneath that mother fucker with minimal effort.  That’s for damn sure!

And the shit is only gonna get worse for you kid.  Because after I catch you and it’s your turn to try to catch me, guess what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna get in my mother fuckin car and drive the fuck off.  That’s right. Because I’m a grown ass man and there are places that I can go that you actually can’t catch me because your little ass isn’t allowed up in there.  You can’t leave the front yard!  But guess what.  I can!  And I’ve got a luxury SUV that will take me as far away as my heart desires.  So while you’re standing in the front yard trying to “catch me”, I’ll be at the strip club with my boys making it rain!

-RS

Perfect Man... LB

Every day, dozens of men (mostly prisoners and non-American citizens) write to try to find a way into my heart. Well the list of what makes a perfect man for is long, and ever-changing, so over the next few weeks/years/decades of my singleness we can discuss the many facets of what makes a "soulmate"
Here a just a few to begin with...

-Must be able to speak fluent Klingon and be well versed in Klingon mating rituals
-Must be a citizen of the United States with no proven ties to terrorism
-Must know CPR - as I often choke on grapes and small removable parts of toys
-Circumcised
-Vegetarians/Vegans/non-pork-eating-men need not apply
Once again folks... As I am like an onion with many many layers. So is the man of my dreams. Stay tuned as we peel through the layers to discover the true description of my soulmate!

Sex in the Shower... LB

I was forever scarred by the idea of sex in the shower one fateful Saturday afternoon in 1995. 

It all started as I was standing outside the bathroom in our old home waiting for the my mother to finish showering.  After a few knocks, the door unlocks and I distinctly remember how the steam seemed to race out the door and scatter down the hallway.  Out comes my father.... wrapped in a towel.  Next comes my mother also wrapped in a towel.  She waits until my father is far enough down the hall, then leans over to whisper in my ear.  "LB, enjoy sex in the shower while you are young.  Because when you're old, you're more concerned with who's hogging all the hot water!"

To this day, I still swallow a little vomit when I retell the story. 

LB

Roller Wrap... LB

I have an odd view on dating, completely and utterly reinforced by the fact that I fall in love with freaks of nature and/or they fall madly in love with me.  Rarely is the feeling mutual. 

One particular case happened to be when I met the bouncer/beautician/barber/electrician/RAGING CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL.

For 100 points in the bonus round please choose one of the following.

Please identify which date behavior is unacceptable:

A. Suggesting that you and a date go to a steak house and phonetically pronouncing Sal-mon and As- par-a-gus because you do not know what either is
B. Complementing your date on her make-up and following up by asking for a detailed list of her preferred cosmetic brand names and application techniques
C. Pointing out your date needs a touch-up and offering to give her said touch-up AND a complimentary roller wrap
D. During first date, declaring your desire to start a large family ... soon?!?!?!?! 
E. Ambushing date with a kiss on the lips when said date watched you cough, sneeze and blow your nose all day
F. All of the above

I don't even have to tell you what the answer is.

LB

Chicken Breast and the Nissan 350z... RS

I know you’re going to feel me on this one.  I know sometimes you just want to be left the hell alone right???  I know you do.  I’m no different.  Ok, hear goes…

I eat the same thing for lunch almost everyday.  Chicken Breast!  Why?  Because I’m a creature of habit and because chicken is cheap and easy!  And while I’m eating my chicken I like to sit at my desk and be left alone.  It’s the only time in the awful nine hours a day I spend at my job that I actually feel like a human being.  But for some reason, one of my office mates was determined to stop this from happening.  At least three times a week while I would be eating my lunch this fool would come over to my desk and say something stupid like “Chicken breast again?” 

Fuck!  This shit again?  Trying to be nice (which is usually not in my nature) I would simply nod my head in acknowledgement and say something like “yes, chicken breast again” or “yeah, chicken the breakfast of champions.”  But after three weeks of this nonsense I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was sitting at my desk one day and sure enough, here he came stomping through the office looking like a cabbage patch kid from hell.  “Hey RS, chicken breast again?”

I took off my glasses, off tossed them on my desk, slide my chair back, looked him in his eyes and asked him “Are we gonna do this every day man?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, are we gonna go though this whole ‘Are you eating the same thing for lunch again today’ charade every day of the week?  I’m just asking because I want to be mentally prepared for this if this is going to go on everyday.”

He was clearly confused by this turn of events.  “Wow man, you get up on the wrong side of the bed?”

I let that comment go and just went back to eating my food and ignored him as he walked away stupidly…

But of course… that could not be the end of it now could it…

Three hours later this fool came back to my office seemingly trying to smooth shit over with a truce of some kind.  He decided to try to tap into my love of cars which we had talked about before.  He had just bought a new one and wanted to show it to me.   I had already seen it in the parking lot and I will admit to you that it was serious!  It was a nasty Nissan 350z coup in metallic blue.  More often that not I would have been happy to run to the parking lot to check out the whip but today… again… I was simply not in the mood.

“Hey RS, you wanna come check out my car?  I just got this week.  It’s hot man!”

In less than a second I had already formulated the most evil of plans in my head.  I could see it unfolding in a manner that pleased me greatly as he stood before me smiling and excited about his new purchase and the prospect of showing it to me  “Hell yeah I wanna see your car man!  I saw it in the parking lot this morning.  That shit is hot!  Let’s go.  Go ahead, just let me grab my suit jacket.”

The super excited Cabbage Patch Kid from Hell ran out of my office towards the parking like he was a child running toward the tree on Christmas morning as I got up to grab my suit jacket.  Then I sat right back down at my desk and continued to work with zero intentions of getting up, going to the parking lot and looking at shit.  But I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t waiting for him to come back.  Yep, I would just be lying because I had a little something for his ass. 

About 15 minutes later he sheepishly walked back to my office and stuck his head in.  Hey RS, did you make it out side?  I didn’t see you out there.”

I took my glasses off, tossed them on my desk, slid my chair back, looked him in his eyes and spoke loud enough for all of the surrounding cubicles to hear.  “You’re right you idiot.  You didn’t see me out there because I wasn’t out there.  And that’s because I was never coming out there.  And I was never coming out there because I don’t give a fuck about your new car.  Not even a little bit.”  I paused for a moment to watch his facial expression change from confusion to disappointment, to embarrassment to shame and finally a hit off anger before I continued.  “Just like you shouldn’t give a fuck about what I eat for lunch.  We clear?”

He looked at my stupidly and shook his head at me in disgust.  That moment was a small moment of victory in what is essential a life of failure.   I have very few of them.

-RS

Meeting New People... LB

I've been desperately seeking ways to broaden my social circle.  I said, "Carpe Diem LB, you don't meet people by staying home watching old episodes of Battlestar Galatica!"  So I decided to go where the people are. My journey took me many places.

-Candle making class
-Star Trek fan club
-Nascar
-Hanging out near the entrances of William-Sonoma
-Posing as a confused patron in the cold and flu section of the grocery store.  (still fighting H1N1 8 weeks later)
-Becoming fans of shadow puppets and carbs on Facebook
-Reopening my Myspace account - didn't realize there were so many aspiring musician in the world. 
-Joining the flower club at my church

To date, all attempts have failed  :(

Motivation.... RS

When I lact movitavation at the gym, I walk down the row of treadmills and look for the girl with that phattest/most shaply booty and the smallest waist that I can find.  Then I get on the treadmill behind her and act like I'm chasing her.  Works every time.  This is the secrect to my athlectic build.  Again, I'm not sure what that says about me exactly other than that fact that I really love women!

-RS

I Used to Work for Keyser Soze... RS

I may have mentioned that I used to work for a Cyclopes… Well, at one time I actually did.  And I hated him!   At any rate, I was in my office discussing something with a that fool one morning. We were talking for about five minutes on an issues that we mostly agree on but only slightly disagree on how to come to the same end result. I was of the mindset that this fool was simply arguing with me for the sake of arguing but this was the norm. He was an argumentative Assholes by nature. However, in anticipation of such an event I had spent time the day before preparing myself for battle. I had done some extensive research the day before to prove my position and had printed it out and put in it a file waiting for the moment when this fool would walk into my office and start running his mouth. Like clockwork… his dumbass showed up right on time. And so the agreement began.


I let him go off on his foolish tangent to start. For the most part I said nothing. I could see in his eyes that he thought he had me on the run. Delusions of grandeur probably lead him to believe he was dominating like Shaq in the paint circa 2001. No the case though. I just played that shit cool and waited for balloon boy to run out of hot air. When he finally did I stated my case quickly and concisely. Then my time had come. I turned around while I was still talking to him to grab the file from my file cabinet. I smiled at the document that would almost certainly throw him into a fit of rage and force him to admit I was in fact correct. In my hand I held another moment of triumph... but when I turned back around (still talking to his dumbass) to show it to him my work... like Keyser Soze... he was gone.... No trace of him. None. Like Hoffa.... No evidence that he was ever there. Not in the hallway or anything. I even checked under my desk to see if he was hiding. This mother fucker just vanished into thin air like he was in the Matrix or some shit like that.

My jaw dropped to the floor. My only explanation was that when the moment came that he realized he was about to crash and burn he ran for safety… out of fear!! But was that true? Had he ever even been there at all? Had I just imagined the whole thing? I turned back around and put the file back in the cabinet... sat back down at my desk, shook my head and continued on about my business... unsure if the conversation had ever even taken place...

-RS